HE REMINDS ME...

I believe I should glorify God by letting the rest of the world see that things aren't all bad all the time and we can overcome with faith and patience. Therefore, I felt like using a fun color to lighten the mood of my last entry! Sometimes, it's the simplest things in life that can bring a little light or joy in a dark moment.        


It's hard for others to relate to having many trials to come down on you at once unless you're in the same situation at the time. I've been trying to chronicle the reality of my life without sugar-coating it or coming off to others as if all around me is perfection. That would be a lie. Perfection is nowhere to be seen, but that's probably nothing I need to tell anyone else. What I can attest to, along with the trials, is God's hand reaching in to save me.


The Lord is an everlasting God and He's faithful. Those two attributes alone make for a Father of Fathers! I could never ask for greater love. Though things are far from being what I need them to be, I see little blessings along the way, the likes of which remind me that He is still here and wants me to remember who I am through Christ Jesus. He doesn't want me to become so weak that I fall and can't get up. I don't need to remind anyone who has children, pays bills, or has health issues that life can be a real rat race. I suppose that's why it's called, "running the race," and not "sauntering along at a delightful pace."


I often believe that there's a tin can on a string running from my mouth to his ear and we are constantly talking on them across the divide. Sometimes, it seems that all I have to do is mutter the words and the circumstances can change. He's amazing that way. But He never overly extends the blessings to where I am unable to feel humility. He keeps me in a humble state. I'm grateful for it as I look around and see the high-minded and those who feel they are above others for various reasons. 'Lord, may I never feel above anyone ever.'

That all being said, "let us run with patience the race set before us." "The Lord is our strength and ever present help in times of need." There is nowhere else that I could turn in times of need. As the old baptist hymn goes, "where could I go...oh, where could I go...seeking a refuge for my soul, needing a friend to save me in the end...where could I go but to the Lord." That song has popped up in my times of trouble so often that I know now God gave it to me, because I always feel a little better when I sing that verse. Just that one. It's helpful to me.


You know, some people have everything. The cars, the house, the jewelry, and plenty more to be had because they have money. Simple as that. And I can't lie and say that I haven't asked the Lord to smite me with wealth and may I never recover from it LOL. I've often thought, 'money isn't everything and we can't take it with us when we go Lord, but I'd love to have none of the problems I have stemming from the lack of.' Then He takes me back to the subject of humility and tells me some things about myself. "Daughter, you have an expensive taste. You like nice things. Remember how you were when you had that nice car? Remember how you behaved when you were blessed with all the nice clothes you wanted whenever you wanted?" He reminds me that there was once a time when money wasn't an issue and I was a bit high-minded. I drove my nice car too fast and felt entitled to more than my share. Now, I have a positive outlook on not having money. He has afforded me all that I need but not more than my daily share. And that has humbled me. It's good! I'll gladly be poor and humble than rich and high-minded. (Not all rich are high-minded so please don't fuss at me and tell me so) :)


I had another trial arise and it has bore down on my shoulders like a mountain today, I know I know...my goodness what is going on here? LOL..just my life. It's like poultry in motion LOL (just a little cheeky humor for a moment) It's another landlord issue. That's not the point though, the point is that along with the issue that arrived, another issue lifted. It's as if God is balancing life a bit for me. "Never more than you are able to bear." Life could end at any time and I'm ready to go when it does. But while I'm here, I'm able to run this race knowing He's the one running alongside me. It all sounds so cliche and religious, but it's my true heart speaking about the one true living God.

WHAT DOES EVIL FEEL LIKE?

What does evil feel like? It feels icky and ugly. It leaves a residue behind like glue or resin. It sticks to you and leaves you shaken and unwell. It leaves you confused and feeling doubt. The difference between the evils of my youth and the present day evils is that I know what it is now.


I had an incident this morning with two individuals in a conversation. I'm not yet sure if these two people knew each other but they certainly joined forces readily. What came of the conversation left me shaken to the core, ruined my day, and made me so sad. It was a typical conversation that anyone might have of politics and things happening in America that aren't what makes this country great. But they did not agree with my views at all. I'm not surprised and am used to that.


In a nutshell I said that border patrol agents should treat human beings like human beings whether they are illegal immigrants or not. The words I started my statement with were, "abuse by border patrol agents is rampant..." and that was all it took to launch this lady at me like a rocket. I tried desperately and respectfully to reason with her but she seemed to want to dance around the issue of humanitarian respect and tell me how I should do more research and that I was "spouting off." This is a person that had previously called herself my friend and even referred to herself and I as friends when another individual "came to my rescue." Then her friend chimed in on her behalf and it just felt like a complete piranha attack. I tried to keep steering the conversation to the issue of humanitarian respect, but she then accused me of hiding behind that to attack our border patrol agents. Long story short, I eventually saw the devil. It took a few minutes of defending myself and feeling a bit blind-sided but I finally began to see him in this.


So, what does evil feel like? It feels just like the enemy works to make it feel. You feel totally confused during the attack. You can't make sense of what's being said or done to you. You can't wrap your mind around why this individual is so angry at you and unwilling to compromise or be reasonable. You can't understand where this anger is coming from and why it's coming from your "friend" and greater still is the confusion as to why it's aimed at you. But you know one thing for sure...this is not God. God is not in these people. So, I had to make a snap decision and base it on my faith and peace. I had to tell her that I respected her opinion and was going to remain in respect of her opinion, even though it was clear that she didn't care about me, my opinions, my love for human beings (the issue at hand), or whether I gave her respect. She seemed to only soften a bit when my reaction was pleasant but it still didn't shut her down. She was determined to fire off rapidly at me and be as rude and nasty as possible. I was in awe of the evil and darkness. I could have touched it because it was tangible.


I'm not writing this to give the devil glory. I'm writing this to tell you what evil feels like and to share with you that this is my idea of the real world. Every day we may be faced with a choice to be just like that person and mistreat them in retaliation or we can remember from where we came and call on the Lord for grace and show a level of peace, light, and love that can squelch the evil. I carried that with me throughout this day and as you can see, it's still profoundly with me. Evil affects me deeply. I am unable to pretend like it didn't happen or I didn't feel anything. I did feel something. I felt confused, icky, darkness, something I don't want to feel again.


I also felt the hand of God reach into the situation and pull me out. He remained strong within me, gave me grace to speak with, and sent an angel to defend me. God knew right where I was at that moment. My spiritual eyes could see Him hearing my heart's cries. It's like seeing a father at the park with his child and his back to the play area. Imagine him hearing his child get hurt and start crying. Imagine that father spinning around in response to the sound of his child in distress and then bolting over to sweep the child into safety and a loving embrace. That's my God :)

THE INTERCEDING SPIRIT

I posted the previous post without glorifying God for something! I should have skipped straight to the glorifying and left off the worrying part. Here's the story:


I got this letter in the mailbox from my landlord of 8 years that is asking for $50 more on the rent. This was a devastating blow to me for all kinds of reasons. Seems a bit trivial to some folks but when you've struggled as I have and struggled with the same landlord all these years, the whole thing takes on a greater significance and trauma.


I came in the house, just crumbled onto the floor (before the Lord), and wept sore. I poured my heart out to Him as best I could but my thoughts were so mixed up that I couldn't express myself. I just couldn't find the words to tell Him how I felt about it or to even ask how to feel. I just sobbed and babbled along about it in some form of broken English. I was okay with that however, because the Bible tells us that, "....the Spirit likewise helps in our infirmities; for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Romans 8:26. I knew in my soul that the Holy Spirit would take over for me, so I just opened my mouth and let my heart's words flow the best I could.


Mind you, my thoughts were all in a jumbled manner. I couldn't think enough to pray. I was distraught, worried, confused, angry, and so many other emotions were boiling to the surface regarding this landlord person I've dealt with all these years. This was another "incident" with her. 


My point however, is that suddenly from down on the floor, where my sobbing face was, I heard the Lord speak to my spirit and tell me to get my Bible. I obeyed. I said, "where Lord?" That's all I could say and He said, "Psalms." I went there. 


Now, my Bible is like anyone else's, marked all up. Prominent verses are underlined in bright pink and easily seen. Suddenly, my eyes are falling on every single underlined verse, but the miracle of it is that each verse came together, despite being so far from one another, to form one solid statement! "I am with you daughter, I love you and you're going to be okay. Don't worry." Suddenly, all of that fear, doubt, and confusion lifted off of me like a huge weight drawn up from a crane above me. I had a great wave of peace wash over me and my thoughts lined right up! I went from having the feeling that "I don't know anything right now" to "I know." I knew I was going to be okay because God heard my heart crying out to Him. He was going to show me the way, and that way would be right and good for me.


The biggest part of the whole thing is that I knew the Holy Spirit would intercede. I knew He would talk to the Father and sort it out. I knew I was in good hands. I always am.

WASHED OUT TO SEA...

I feel like I was rowing on an angry sea in a tiny dinghy and could see the shore and just as I made it past the strongest currents and dangerous reef, a giant wave hits and pushes me back out to sea.

This may seem trivial to some, but I must tell the tale because it's my trial and there has to be resolve at the end of this. I told  Annemarie Pipa that I agreed with her that chronicling such trials in our lives is a good thing. To me, it's a way of showing how the Lord brings us out. 

Every trial I face has an ending. Every time I've cried out to the Lord, He's rescued me. I can very much whine about the way I'll be having to find resolve in this particular issue, but it's one of those times where you know you have to take it for what it is and deal with it the best you can, with God's guidance and help. What I want for myself and what He has planned are often two different things. I might be surprised at how this actually pans out, but for right now, I'm scared and worried.

Here's the problem in a nutshell, my rent went up. I can't afford another dollar to go out of my budget. I can't afford to move nor afford to pay her more money.

Without giving too much detail and information, let's just say two things need to happen for me. One, I need to know the right time to talk to her about this and the courage to do so. Two, I'll need her heart to soften towards me as I offer her half of what she's asking as an increase. Her compassion, mercy, and understanding will need to be the thing I rely on the most. Meaning, Lord please speak to her heart on the day I go to discuss this with her and tell me when that moment is. May I go in courage and peace. Please pray for me.

...UP FROM THE MIRE

I'm moving forward with the good news. My previous posts have eluded to some difficulties in my life, and in particular, "the pickle" I was in. Well, the "pickle problem" is resolved as well as all the others, in their entirety and completely! I can give myself none of the glory for I have no idea how these things resolved themselves. I can't say I did anything to resolve them other than feel the compelling of the Holy Spirit to guide me to the places I should go to in order to get the resolve I needed. If I was without the Lord, would I have been able to do as well?

Which brings me to how I see myself in this situation. I see myself as Jeremiah was when they threw him into the dungeon and he sunk in the mire. (Jeremiah chpt 38). First was the help that was compelled to him in Jeremiah 38:9. Then was the command given by order of the King (in my mind it's the Lord) in verse 10 and the King commands that it be done, "....before he die.." It was a command to take 30 men (isn't that the same number assigned to the pieces of silver that Judas betrayed Jesus for? hm). And then the most interesting thing is that they didn't just throw down a rope, but fashioned something comfortable for him to put under his arms so as to free him without harming him, in verse 11.

Isn't that just like the Lord in a situation? He sends more than enough help, sends it before you can't take anymore and you think it's over (in the dramatic proverbial way), and then the release from the mire you've sunk in is rather comfortable as he gently pulls you out. That's the God I know. I give Him all glory for hearing my cries from the dungeon of my life. I give Him all praise for seeing me worthy of rescue. I give Him all thanks for gently pulling me free and setting me in a safe place where there's hope.

ONE STEP FORWARD

I feel it's always our responsibility to share the good news of what God does in our lives after we've wept about the things that went wrong.

Some of the issues I was facing during the previous post have been resolved but not all. I'm still in that pickle that I'm not sure I'll get out of. With that, I'm trying to see all the blessings that can be in it. There are some, but when I think about the situation, I just take a deep breath and let it out in a kind of exasperated way. I'm not the only one with troubles but may be I tend to see mine more than others do. I was diagnosed early in life with clinical depression and I read once that people with depression have an uncontrollable tendency to be drawn to the negative things in life instead of the positive. I find myself working against that quite a bit so it must be true.

Despite all of that, life isn't over yet and I have work to do. I forge ahead knowing that God has always been with me and will always be.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?"..."For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35,38,39

"SORROW LASTS THROUGH THE NIGHT..."

This post should be all about great things and good living. That's not my life though. I don't have that peaceful life that doesn't contain any hardships or trials. In fact, most of my life is one big hardship and trial. It seems never ending.


Just a week and a half ago, I stood on my porch and looked out over the lovely valley and the mountains and thought, I feel pretty good about life. I've enjoyed a good few days. Nothing bad seems to have happened and everything seems good. That's when these exact words sprung from my heart without provocation or ability to suppress them, "Lord, help me prepare for what's to come because everything has been too good for too long and that can only mean one thing, it's about to get bad."


Now, "...too good for too long..." doesn't mean I've been dancing in high cotton and money fell from the sky while I did so. It just means that I noticed an unusual trend of joy and peace for an unusually long time, like almost an entire month. Within 2 days of me making that outward prayer, the first wave hit! I am in a particular pickle that I'm not even sure I can get out of. But it feels somewhat like a form of devastation to me. Next 2 days, the second wave hit! A problem that should be easily solved were I to rent from good people who care about their property more than they do. This issue is still up in the air. And then 2 days more and the third wave hit! A storm that caused major damage, widespread power outage in this summer heat, and cost me more than I'm able to lose. I was able to weather the last "wave" and leave the house for the days that my power was out. But, within 30 mins of coming home, the 4th wave hit! The air in the water lines of my home was severe enough to blast the cap off the tower in the back of the toilet and water spewed everywhere because I didn't know to turn it off first and foremost. It took me a few moments of squealing freakish behavior to realize that the only way to stop the water was to turn it off. Sigh.


I'm home, I'm safe, it could have been worse. I was blessed and carried, but not on the golden wings of some magical dove of peace. It was more like, I was carried to hell on earth, a.k.a., my brother-in-law's house, by the dragon of crapworld. "Crapworld" being where my brother-in-law and my 17 yr old nephew live. Two country boys living without a woman. That house was a disaster. No clean dishes, a flea bag dog that refuses to do his business outside, and ugh...I can't continue with the description. I was there for a few days and I spent the entire time cleaning just so it was habitable for myself. Why did I stay there? Because it's just minutes from my house and I needed to be able to drive back and forth to check for the power to be on. I also had to check on my plants because it was extremely hot in here. I also had to come home and completely empty the fridge and freezer on the 2nd day when it was obvious that the food wouldn't make it. I had to do as much as possible to get everything out that could leave an odor or form green fuzz. Essentially, I was cleaning both houses for those days that the power was out.


I wish I could jump up and down and praise God, but for now I'm in that place where I can say, "thank you for what I have been blessed with Lord and that it wasn't worse," but the super praise isn't in me. There's so much uncertainty that it hangs over me like a cloud. I have to make some kind of move to strengthen my faith. I need that boost of faith that always gets me through. I need a refreshing. I need to be strengthened and reassured that "the sorrow may last through the night but the joy comes with the morning." Lord, let the morning arrive soon.