We all have a choice to believe in something, I choose to believe in God!

Sunday, December 23, 2012


This is how one parent who lost his daughter to a school shooting feels about God being removed from our schools, prayer being prohibited, guns being blamed for the actions of people. I've added the video excerpt from Carl Sagan's "Pale Blue Dot" as a reminder of who we are, how insignificant we are in this vast and mighty universe, and how foolish we as humans can be. We can be power hungry and selfish creatures who have somehow forgotten the most important thing about being who we are, which to me is love:

"Since the dawn of creation there has been both good &evil in the hearts of men and women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of violence. The death of my wonderful daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, and the deaths of that heroic teacher, and the other eleven children who died must not be in vain. Their blood cries out for answers.The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel out in the field. The villain was not the club he used.. Neither was it the NCA, the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain, and the reason for the murder could only be found in Cain's heart.
In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am not a member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don't believe that they are responsible for my daughter's death. Therefore I do not believe that they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with Rachel's murder I would be their strongest opponent
I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy -- it was a spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real blame lies! Much of the blame lies here in this room. Much of the blame lies behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves. I wrote a poem just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best. 

Your laws ignore our deepest needs,

Your words are empty air.
You've stripped away our heritage,

You've outlawed simple prayer.
Now gunshots fill our classrooms,
And precious children die.
You seek for answers everywhere,
And ask the question "Why?"
You regulate restrictive laws,
Through legislative creed.
And yet you fail to understand,
That God is what we need!

"Men and women are three-part beings. We all consist of body, mind, and spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make-up, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and wreak havoc. Spiritual presences were present within our educational systems for most of our nation's history. Many of our major colleges began as theological seminaries. This is a historical fact. 
What has happened to us as a nation? We have refused to honor God, and in so doing, we open the doors to hatred and violence. And when something as terrible as Columbine's tragedy occurs -- politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that contribute to erode away our personal and private liberties. We do not need more restrictive laws. 
Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months planning this type of massacre. The real villain lies within our own hearts. 

"As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes, he did not hesitate to pray in school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I challenge every young person in America , and around the world, to realize that on April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School prayer was brought back to our schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain. Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for legislation that violates your God-given right to communicate with Him. 

To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA -- I give to you a sincere challenge.. Dare to examine your own heart before casting the first stone! 
My daughter's death will not be in vain! The young people of this country will not allow that to happen!"

- Darrell Scott 


This next part was written by my friend in reply to the post itself and I wanted to add what he said below. This sentence is the only thing I wrote in this post.


"A Poem Presented To Congress 
by the father of a columbine victim's 
People with an atheistic mind set have made it clear
they want no part of God. 
They've chase Him out of every nook and cranny
And God being the loving Father He is has 
complied with their wishes. And the first thing they do in 
the face of tragedy is yell where is your God now.
The Atheistic mind set gives no hope to the vast majority.
To say we are no more that a electro static charge on the
neuro pathways of our sub atomic particulate brains, that we 
have no real control over anyways. Leaves people without
 There is a God who has a Son and He is coming soon.
You don't know anything about Him because you truly
don't want to know. You think you know something because
of stuff you heard from others who have heard from
others. You choose to believe any historic fact except  biblical
fact. Which coincides with all historical fact. 
Who would want to live in a world with no hope, well slowly but 
surly they are making themselves known"

                                                        -Edward W.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


This is rather prophetic, don't you think? Click the link, and you'll see the photograph but below that is the article and then below that is some video of the ocean turning red. It's actually an influx of algae. In Biblical times, descriptions of a prophecy were often given in terms that were metaphoric as the one prophesying was meant to simply give the message, not explain with scientific detail of what the process is that occurs to cause the images they convey. Saying, "...and the seas will turn to blood" doesn't necessarily mean that their structure is that of human blood or otherwise, but simply that the images the prophesier sees are of water in the form of blood or what appears to be such. Isaiah once prophesied of the bird with the steel breast plate, which I believe were jets of our time. I have final exams and am in quite the rush, forgive any mistakes in detail or facts I've written down. I'm sure one of my commenters will correct me. He usually does, LOL.

Anyway, without further adieu, here's the link:

Australian beach 

Sunday, December 9, 2012


Now I'm just mad!!! I'm not even going to start this post with anything except my feelings. I'm sick and tired of people who don't believe in God making it their life's mission to destroy the faith and hope that those of us who do believe have. It's their very mission to tell a believer how ignorant and wrong they are! Based on what? Their own belief. Now how's that for a fine how-do-ya-do? So let's see...how's it work? Oh ya, they open their Buddha book, their Pagan ritual books, their ScienceNow magazine and read from that to tell us how the book we're reading from is wrong but theirs is all about the truth. "Man made this and man made that" they say, "man made religion you fool," they say. And I would argue that "man made your magazine and your Buddha god that sits there without the ability to help itself!"

See, I'm a Christian...I believe there's a God who made me in a fearfully wonderful way. But since the man-made notion of evolution was created by man, they say that that makes my faith man-made and therefore, all wrong. How astounding is it that they can't see their own contradictions? And I would ask any Atheist,..."tell us all about your life-after-death experience. Tell us Atheist..oh mighty knower of all things, tell us all about the God you never saw when you never died and never saw what's to come." 99.99% have never had a near death experience and have nothing to base their beliefs on. You know all those stories documented of people who have died and came back to tell us what they saw? Guess what they all saw? Heaven..God. You're probably not going to find one Atheist's life-after-death account where the Atheist died, saw hell, and came back to live the same exact way. When you find one, send me the link to his/her story please. I would dare say, I might be waiting awhile for that information. See, life after death is God and He's GOING to make sure we see Him there so we can live to tell others the truth and give the world hope. 

I'm also astonished at how many will say such rude things to Christians they've never met before and have no knowledge of what that Christian's life's experiences have been but have enough imagined knowledge to tear that Christian's faith and hope down to the ground. For what?! Pleasure? Do they feel they're saving the world from that pesky notion of hope and faith? They've never lived our lives and have never experienced the baptism of the Holy Spirit but they have friends that believe like they do so that must make them right and us wrong. 

Their general lack of respect for me as a believer is outrageous! They cling to their beliefs while sitting back on their high and mighty laurels telling me how wrong I am for having mine! I'm more than allowed to cling stubbornly to whatever I want to cling to in order to get through this crappy life.  

I have been touched by God Himself...like most Christians. I was baptized in His Spirit and felt His presence and can attest with 100% certainty that there's a force on this side of eternity that isn't from this world. A force that can punch a hole into our time and bathe us in it's presence. Can your Buddha do that? Can your life's partner do that? Can your loving devoted parents do that? Can the birth of a child or a big stash of money do that? NOPE. That's because man-made items can't do anything but temporarily satisfy a physiological, emotional, or physical need and then once it's satisfied another need will replace it. That doesn't sustain anyone. But with God, there's a constant presence of peace that sustains us. How do we explain that? We really can't. We can try but we really can't explain it to people with closed minds and blackened hearts. They don't want to know the truth and therefore nothing we tell them will resemble truth to them. Those with eyes to see will see. Those seeking will find.

Look, all I'm saying to the world is that we're all in this thing together. I don't intend on strangling you with God so don't try to pull Him out of me and stomp Him to death with your unbelief. If you die having never believed in God and find that He was real all along, you're the one that has to face that eternity. But if you believed on this side and die to find He never existed, what did it hurt for you to believe throughout your life? It hurt nothing and no one. It was a blessing to the world through the love you shared, the gifts you gave, the general spirit of benevolence that knowing God inspires you to show. How is any of that wrong or bad to the degree that if you don't accept it, it's your mission to kill it as dead as you can? Just let people love other people and call it the Spirit of Christ. Let them!!!! Stop working to kill good. You don't have to agree, just accept that some of us believe in this and we like it this way. Go about your business and let us go about our business of loving people like you. Would you rather the world be void of love and sincerity? Void of the things that give us the strength to overcome? That's what you're doing when you work to destroy it. You're working for the wrong people. People that hate, are angry, and strive to destroy the spiritual things inside another human heart. It's pointless to do that! I compare the Atheist agenda to a destructive storm. It moves in and wipes all that was built off the place it was built upon (for the weak-minded who are vulnerable to false doctrine and hate). It sows doubt and misery in it's place...and weeds begin to grow which choke out the message of hope. How does that sound like a right and good thing to spread to the rest of society? I don't know about anyone else, but I ask you to keep your agenda away from me, because what you do is hurt people and destroy hope for no other reason except so that you can walk away and pat yourself on the back for convincing an innocent to hate like you do. May God forgive your soul!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012


I listened to this little voice coming through the broadcast as he shares the experience he just had on his ranch at home and thought, 'he's a man of God to-be'. I was amazed that this child is already man enough to put an animal down that's suffering, but even more amazed that he had the fortitude to call into a radio station and share what God told him about it! Don't wear makeup when you listen to this!

One more thing, if this child can comprehend that talking to God will yield a reply, and understands the meaning of what that reply was, it should be relatively easy for us.

Sunday, November 4, 2012


I had such a sweet time in the Lord this morning. There's actually a special quality or unique circumstance to this, in my opinion.

It's been a long time since I've attended a church service. There's a reason for that. Although I spent years in church and faithful service attendance, there was always an inherent knowing that it wasn't supposed to be that way. I always knew in my spirit that it was more of a "man's objective" to get me there than it was ever God's objective. I felt obligated to go because I was being preached to that God is worthy and expects our devotion and that "if I love Him then I'll want to come." It's funny how none of those preachers ever considered that each of us are spoken to separately by God and that what God says to one He may not be saying to another. I suppose none of them ever considered that this one Christian was sitting in that pew thinking, "But I love Him with all my heart and I can tell you with that same whole heart that I don't want to be here."

Was every service a miserable time? No..of course not! I had many great moments in the Spirit but that never overcame the feeling that I was not commanded of God in any way to attend church. If that was God's objective with His children,wouldn't church either be designed as a home thing for all those who can't get out of bed due to being handicapped; or wouldn't He have made the way for nobody to ever be so sick they couldn't attend?

It was never about anything other than what I knew in my heart which lined up with the scriptures. "Whom the Son has made free is free indeed," and "Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit, thus saith the Lord."

They say that you're not growing if you're not asking questions. If you refuse to change or you never question anything, then you're swayed by every doctrine and word of man that comes along. I began to realize that I wasn't dragging myself into Sunday services all those years because God wanted me there. If He did, He certainly was doing very little or nothing at all to fill me with the desire to do so. Did I ever consider that it was intended to be a sacrifice on my end, sure I did, but I still hated it and loved God and so therein lied the contradiction in my soul. I knew I had to change it and get my soul to line up with the Word. I decided to stop attending and if God was going to be upset with me for it, He would do what needed to be done within me to put me right. I woke that first Sunday and didn't go to church. But guess what happened? I felt His same presence and the knowing that I was loved and accepted of God as always had. I felt no conviction, no fear that I had done wrong, just peace. 

That was almost a year ago and I am changed very little. I have slipped up once or twice and used a potty word whereas I was stronger than that while in church. I have examined that and sought out the reasons for that change to take place. I know it's because I'm not surrounded by my fellow Christians and their prayers but have been forgotten of them (as none of them ever sought me when I just quit showing up after 5 years of being a permanent fixture in the second row on the left). I was also educated in the words of the Bible enough to know that one falls away and goes back to the hog pens of the world. I understood that concept. But I had not done that. The devil tried to tell me I had, but what I actually had done was allowed a weak moment of emotion to take me over and I spouted off a word unkind. Not quite the same as returning to the hog pens from which the Lord had delivered me.

Here's the great part! I worried that the lies the enemy whispered were true and he was successful at making me feel conflicted. But true to form, God rose up and took care to see to me. He understands us when we venture off and is like the father of any toddler, rushing over to take that child by the arm if they get to far away. 

Here's how religion works: 

  • Show up for church service on Sunday at 9:00 a.m. Faithful attendance is important for appearances.
  • If you really want to fit in, wear your dress but not too low cut, and the hem can't be too high or you'll be frowned upon, you trollop. 
  • Sing your hymns and quote your scriptures. This makes you appear pious and godly.
  • Sing in the choir, volunteer in the kitchen, or to go out and knock on doors. This shows what a good worker for the Lord you are.
  • Give your tithe because there's no way God can keep the building lit without your money. Remember, it's your way of giving back all that He gives to you (even though that's not the heart of Jesus to get back what He gives).

But here's how spirituality and being with God in a personal relationship works: 

  • Get up on a Sunday morning realizing that if you're not perfect and that God will not cast you away from Him if you don't go to church and conform to the church crowd's ways.
  • You can boast in your weakness for Jesus already did the work on the cross. 
  • If you're truly saved then it's not by anything you do but by the grace of God that you go forward. 
  • Trust His Spirit to speak to you and guide you. 
  • He's there at all times so if you're on the wrong path or doing the wrong thing, He's going to let you know and as the Bible says, "it's hard to kick against the pricks." 
  • If He has a message for you, a healing, or anything along those lines, He knows how to get that message to you.
  • When you fail, nobody is going to call you names like "backslider."
  • Realize that if you read the Bible to be following the rules, you'll never receive the message He has for you because you're in the way.
  • God has provided you with what you need to live daily, realize that He wouldn't ask you to give that back to Him if He has given it to you. It pleasures Him to give. God's very nature of grace and grace is bestowed. He loves to love us!
  • Be in touch with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. It comes in simple knowledge of good and bad, right and wrong. Follow that which is good and God will add to you in your decisions. If you follow after the wrong thing, He'll just be there to remind you of who you are in Christ and gently guide you back on the path, but again, it's not by your deeds that He will do a new thing. It's always about Him and what He can do in and through us.

Now, here's where God just does what He does for His children without our help. I woke up, the same as every Sunday for the past year, but this time I felt compelled. I was compelled by God to go online and find The Resurrection Fellowship Church of Loveland Colorado . First, I couldn't remember to save my life what the name of it was. Our blogger Christian sister Monica of the blog "Wandering Heart" , had recommended "The Rez" to me (above link) months ago. I couldn't remember the name of it, the town it was in, or the pastors name but I had a lot of worship time with them so it was odd that I couldn't remember. Suddenly, the Lord says, "Google Colorado churches" and then I heard Him say, "Loveland" which is the town it's in, bingo. I logged in and He flooded me with His Spirit. I worshiped as I hadn't in a long time and felt His sweet presence as we communed. It just so happened to be their communion service online. I got to watch their live broadcast, which incidentally had only just begun when I logged on. I didn't even know what time it was. Another indicator that it was His desire for me is that I usually study until 3 a.m. and sleep until about 11 a.m., but this morning the clocks fell back and I woke early for no reason. That put my rising at around 9 a.m., the same time the church service began online. I was just going to open the website and find a sermon of God's choosing. Instead, they had just started the live feed. It was immensely sweet! Tears streamed down my face, I couldn't stop weeping, He was just with me and through me. 

That's a spiritual connection, not a religious one. I add that I've been praying under my breath for weeks that God would touch me, and He did! See, I didn't have to be in church. I just had to be with God in my heart and soul and He reached out to me for the sole purpose of giving.

In closing, I say that when God calls, He calls. It's never about our efforts. That's where the devil steers us wrong and into our own ways. It's counter-indicative of what Jesus did on that cross. He died to set us free from ourselves and yet millions of Christians think they should "do" something in order to find God on a daily basis, or to be whole, or to be right, etc. Now, if you're called into a ministry, yes...for sure...do what you're compelled to do for that's your place if you feel sure and convicted that it's the right thing. But I would tell you that if you're a Christian and you don't think church is for you, then it's okay for you not to go. God is still going to love you and use you, and visit you, and speak to you because it's not about us and our works, it's about HIM and HIS. It's always been about HIS love for us and what HE does to show us grace and mercy when we fail. If we continue to try to do things to be right then we will miss the mark and lose sight of what Jesus did on the cross to make us all free! 

Blessings and hugs to you all!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012


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I'll start with a link to a video from ABC news showing some of the devastation caused by Hurricane Sandy here in the U.S.. You can click if you like and get an idea of what has just happened to these folks and why it's called a "A once in a lifetime storm" . This is New York City and flooding just doesn't occur here.

We can never understand the fear and devastation unless we go through it. It's becoming a common occurrence to see what we go through because of weather patterns, patterns that are being blamed on global warming. We've brought a lot of this on ourselves by being careless and apathetic to the destruction of the earth. We've over-mined, killed, stripped, and polluted. It's hardly impossible that we won't suffer the consequences of decades of this behavior. If "Mother Nature" were a real entity she would have been warning us long ago that these days were ahead of us. Let's just see it with eyes wide open and realize that it's our own doing/undoing but it's not all doom and gloom. We can reverse it or at least lessen the things we do now to destroy. There are so many things we do as a species to hurt the planet for things we can live without. We can live without diamonds on our hands. If the rich would stop buying them, then the mining that's being done would go to serve a purpose for technology but if we'd stop needing the biggest and the most expensive then the technology needed would be for those things which sustain life instead of making it convenient. We are a selfish and greedy lot, humans.

I didn't mean to get off on a tangent about pollution and foolish greed but it's hard to look at the way things are going and not see the book of Revelation coming to pass. All religion aside however, the base thing is that people survived because God is gracious. He didn't make this happen but He's always in the midst of it all. This could have been so much worse. Buildings could have crumbled and the death toll could have risen far above that of September 11th. It could always be worse. But since it isn't, I thank God for what happened and the way it did. And let us remember that Paul encouraged us to count it a blessing when we're in trials. He saw the value in it and I do too. We just come together during these times and help one another as best we can. We find things in ourselves and capabilities we didn't know we had. We're never better than when we're showing love for others in need.

All in all, this was a horrendous hurricane with widespread damage and destruction but it wasn't the end of us and we'll rebuild. My thoughts are with those who have to face the rebuilding of their homes and lives or those who will have to face unscrupulous contractors who can smell the insurance money a mile away. They will most assuredly come out of the wood work with promises of quality labor at an affordable price only to take thousands for materials up front and run. That's what they did to those after Katrina so it's to be expected here as well. Storms like this bring out the worst and the best of us.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for those you saved alive, those who are with their families tonight and the many pets that you have found a safe shelter for. Thank you for the healthcare providers and first responders who worked tirelessly through the storm to patch up the injured and keep others from being injured. Thank you that this storm was not worse and that you'll be with us every step of the way as we rebuild. All things are possible with you Father! To you be the glory for all the good that will come from this! -Amen

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Saturday, October 27, 2012


 ☆● ¸ .★ * ● ¸❤☆● ☆● ¸ .★ * ● ¸❤☆● ☆● ¸ .★ * ● ¸❤☆● ☆● ¸ .★ * ● ¸❤☆●

Hi y'all,

I just wanted to stop in and touch base a little since I haven't blogged in the last couple of weeks. School is a priority right now and there's little time for thinking outside of the box.

On a happy note, I'm healthy and happy and the Lord continues to reveal His grace and mercies in a myriad of ways daily. The fact that my old car starts and has gotten me to every class and every important appointment is a miracle of His hand. The fact that I am still mobile after such a harsh physical punishment to my body over the years is a miracle. The fact that the friends I have are so awesome (in real life and the blogosphere) is a miracle.

My children are healthy and happy. My grandson is healthy and already walking before his first birthday. Those little cautious steps where he just stands there and balances while carefully weighing his options before deciding to take the step is one of the most beautiful and adorable things I've ever seen. He's the light of my life these days.

One of the most wonderful experiences I've had in the last few weeks is the revelation that God loves me for being true to myself and genuine before His beloved face. He has no doubt that I am as transparent as can be. How do I know I am? Because the things I tell Him, no man would except me for. I can tell Him the things that shame me the most. The things I wish I could hide from even myself. He loves that about me and I can sense His good pleasure in me because instead of feeling lowly and ashamed for my confessions, I feel free and elated. It's as if He just pats me on the back and says, "there there daughter, I love you anyway...I understand and we'll sort this out together." You know the thing I'm talking about, right?...that agape love that leaves you knowing you're loved unconditionally, as well as being loved in a way that no human being can ever love you.

Hence, and heretofore, I declare peace and joy is here with me in the form of the Lord in Spirit and He sends great love to you all! See you soon!

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Monday, October 8, 2012


Oh my gosh!!! Guess who this post is going to be about? Jehovah's witnesses....I know I know....calm down! I felt the same shock when I realized it. Of course my shock was much greater than yours since mine happened when I peeled back the front door curtain to see them standing on my porch...early in the morning....waking me up! There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. It was too late. They had spotted me like a lion spots a meal in the African bush. Nothing but dry parched flat land to lope across in a desperate attempt to escape! At least in Africa the meal has some bushes to dart in and out of in an attempt to save it's own life. For me, there's no hope accept to face this beast eye to eye. So here's what I did....ready for this.....I told them to come back later! (chuckle now, it's okay).

Seriously though, I had no options but to ask them to leave because they woke me and I was kind enough to spare them my wrath. I told my friend, Sateigdra of "Fact, Fiction, and Faith! " this horror story in another blog post comment but it's good enough for us all. After all, we are brothers and sisters in Christ and Father says y'all gotta whine with me.....okay...He says, "bear ye one another's burdens," but it's the same thing.

So, if you're interested, the first blog post about their visits is down in the stack somewhere but not too far because the first visit was the beginning of this past spring and fall is setting in. Then on this page their last visit is chronicled before this one. So, this is an unfolding story. I'll try to make it quick. 

I met Ben and his friends. He's very young. In retrospect I believe he was a trainee in the field when I met him with an elder on my porch. He came back many times bringing another young person with him, always lovely young women, and the last visit he brought an older woman...very robust and confident of her facts. Enough to debate me at every turn and tax my patience with it. The last time they visited, I gave Ben my phone number and in her presence asked him to use it to call ahead because their constant uninvited visits were becoming annoying and consuming my time. I was trying to be nice. But Mr. Ben gave my phone number to that woman at some juncture after they left here that day. She called me before her visit and asked when would be a good time to come and visit with me. I was in bed so I didn't answer that call. So guess what she did? Yep! She showed up anyway and woke me up. I am a student and I study into the wee hours. It's 4:30 a.m. right now and I have only just put my math book down. When I go to bed, I do not want to be woke.

Here's where the story ends, as I simply pulled the curtain back and found her...that woman. So, I simply told her to come back some other time because she had woke me up. I didn't even bother to open the door.

Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to have to do that to someone? I'm not that kind of person. As we see, the reason they return is because I'm cordial and hospitable. But now, they've blown it. Ben handing my number off without my consent is unacceptable. Her calling but getting no reply and showing up anyway is unacceptable. It's time that I act! Lord give me the strength to break their tiny little thread, thereby cutting them loose. And may You be with all of their victims.

Thursday, October 4, 2012


Sadness is to be expected. I have a hard time with that. I have a hard time knowing if this sadness is part of the depression I have, or my lot in life. The Bible mentions one's lot and so I tend to wonder about it often. Did God set this pace for me before I was born? Did He have other plans for me but my mother's emotional unavailability caused me to grow up to become this? I know that all things will be revealed someday but I sure could use some answers now.

Most people are able to cope with the slightest anxiety or disruption to their joy. I, on the other hand, have a time with it beyond what I can endure sometimes. An example would be the week I took a math quiz and found out upon completing it that I had added all of my polynomials instead of multiplying them. Hence, I made a 70 which is way below my ability and it caused me so much stress and anxiety that I burst into tears in front of my entire class. I couldn't cope with the thought of not getting that "A" which I had studied all week for. I see other students fail and they just give a hardy "darn". Why can't I just say "darn"?

This blog post will be my vent. I'll pour out here for no reason except that it's my blog and I can say whatever I want. I want to say this. I want to say that I'm sad. A lot. Deep in my soul is a light that God has placed in me, but I can't reach it whenever I want, and when I do it's only briefly. Is everyone else like that? Does anyone else feel like sadness plagues them more than their joy? If not, how? How do you be happy all the time? What do you say to yourself to make yourself happy? Do you tell yourself that all is well all the time or, do you convince yourself that nothing really matters because it's not in our hands anyway? 

Lately, my prayers don't get past the ceiling. I say them but they're not warm and full of love and light. I feel like I say them to try to get God to hear me but they don't turn His head. I'm struggling today to feel warmth and light. I'm just mad at so many things going wrong and I'm so confused because, it's been this way for me all my life. I've never been wealthy. I've never had things in life handed to me. It's never seemed easy. My children worry me, I've lost two grandsons (one to murder and one due to his mother leaving the state with him). The only man I ever loved has left this world and I am alone in it. Is this called "woe is me"? I just want to know where the trials and tribulations end and the depression begins because it all blends together. I wish I could explain depression to someone who doesn't have it but wishes they understood. It's like being on one end of the spectrum or the other at the drop of a hat. One tiny thing can push the depressed person over into sadness, so imagine what many things happening at once can do. Most of the time I just put one foot in front of the other and trust the Lord. He hasn't failed me and I have to tell the world that. This isn't God abandoning me. I see that He holds my hand and carries me a lot. I know He's with me or I would have left this life behind a long time ago.

I think this is the fire we all must be tried in, the oven that gets so hot sometimes we cry out and tell the Lord that we can't take anymore. Everyone has to be tried and go through their process of refinement. Those of you who are in tune with the Lord will understand what I mean and how that process works. He never gives us more than we can bear. This is the absolute truth because I've cried out to Him many times that I couldn't stand anymore suffering. Suddenly, without warning, the "heat" would be turned down, or the door cracks and is slightly ajar in the oven of life and the "heat" escapes. I am able to see beyond the flames and there standing on the other side is the Lord and He's waiting to greet me when I come through. But He's there nonetheless. He hasn't just shoved us into the situation and left us there to burn to our spiritual death. He knows it's hard, and even harder for some than others. He knows how high the "heat" should be and He knows how long we need to be in it in order for us to become something better than we were. When I fight through a situation I find myself feeling sometimes devastated and completely without control. I feel frustrated and fed up and many times, as depression dictates, I cry for the time to end. Now, for those of you who want to tell me that I'm not supposed to accept depression and it's not God's will, and all of those nice thoughts about a perfect life, I have to disagree with that. There is great worth and value in these things no matter how confusing they may be. God is able to be glorified through the very things that some preachers are telling people aren't supposed to be happening. But I say yes, they are supposed to be happening, for His glory! What kind of diamond doesn't go through the process to become beautiful, cut, and with exact clarity? What kind of stone doesn't get polished before it's set where it will be beautiful to behold? What kind of instrument sounds sweet in it's holding case instead of in the hands of the master who plays it with skill? We weren't meant to sit here in perfection and live the good life without these things, for that would serve to change nothing.

The world understands sadness and God understands us. While I love the faith of a Pentecostal church as they lay hands on one another and receive miracles, the truth is that we're not meant to live a life that doesn't include the trials and tribulations. While I admire any and all faith-filled brothers and sisters, I see nothing in the Bible that backs up the preaching that it's "not God's will that we should have trials and tribulations...it's not from God." I see that it plainly tells us that "In this world, ye shall have trials and tribulations but be of good cheer for I have over come the world." I see all evidence of that. Small miracles happen all of the time and I can't deny the fact that they're too wonderful and miraculous to be random coincidence. 

As the world travails, the Lord prepares His arrival. We see that the end of times is upon us. One can hardly deny the things happening line up with the Scriptures. I worry incessantly that I'm not prepared. That I'm wrong to assume God's grace is the place to cast my shortcomings and that I should be as pious as possible and work for it. Even though that goes against everything I believe I read in the scriptures, there's still a little voice (which could be the enemy drawing me off the path of truth) telling me to "be better". I tell you that I'm as good as I get unless the Lord works a miracle.

A miracle has already occurred. While I was typing this post, I wept. I felt overwhelming sadness. I thought of my sisters in Christ that come to my blog and always leave a faith-filled comment, Sateigdra, Brenda, and Monica. I thought of these ladies and the more I typed and thought of them the more warmth and light I began to feel. As I sit and type out the end of this post, I feel so much better, as if the three of them have surrounded me with God's love. See, God already made the way for this moment by bringing those three faith-filled women into my life. I know that they'll each have a powerful word of hope, faith, and love to share with me and the world in their comments (God-willing that they're able) and I feel it already. God was here, just like I said He was. I came through this moment of refinement where I began by feeling hopeless, and now I've learned something completely new. If you know someone faith-filled, sometimes that's enough to give peace. I know that I'm not alone.(◡‿◡✿)

Saturday, September 22, 2012


Dear Jehovah's Witnesses,

I received another visit from your associates this morning! For the sake of a more comfortable read, I will be referring to your associate/church members as "you" throughout this text. I always welcome a visit from those who believe in the Lord and so I don't have any issues with your congregational members visiting. If we all agree that God is Lord and no other, than we are close to being in agreement about many a good thing.

I really just wanted to touch on a few things that I find interesting and may be confusing at the same time. I would really like to know on which scripture you base your incessant door-knocking? I suppose, "take the gospel to all four corners of the earth." I see, that's a good thing for sure. However, I've noticed that instead of being well-received by a lost and dying world, you're unwelcome and unwanted almost entirely. I know that's not supposed to be such a surprise since the Bible already tells us that, "if they hate you, know that that they hated me first," and also, "you shall be persecuted for my name's sake." So that's been explained, I suppose.

You were outwardly surprised that I knew anything about the Bible this morning. Why would a total stranger be under the impression that I shouldn't know the things of the Kingdom just because you're knocking on my door instead of approaching me in the temple/church/synagogue? You said that you could see I had "actually read and studied God's word and know some real Biblical truths."

In the collectivistic co-culture of religion/faith, we should never allow ethnocentricism to factor into our thoughts or discussions as it can have a tendency to divide one group from another. You seemed to have the automatic assumption that your denomination gave you some kind of higher place in the world and thus, I was beneath you in some way to the degree that in your mind, you had already presumed I would need Biblical enlightenment. Okay, that could be something about just that one person. Or, it could be part of your teachings. After all, you knock on people's doors to give to them what you assume the person doesn't already have. God, faith, and/or belief.

God never called us to disrupt people's lives to share the gospel. In fact, He specifically put it in writing that "no man comes except he be drawn by the Spirit." I even told you that the Apostle Paul himself said that if he didn't have the Holy Spirit, "I have become a tinkling cymbal and a sounding brass." My exact words were, "if you don't come in the Spirit to a person being drawn, then you're just making noise and that's all they hear." But that truth seemed to fly right over your head. You were convinced that talking at people about religion is going to sway them to believe.

Finally, I would like to remind you that the gospel is for the lost. The good news is for those who don't know that they can have a helper, a Savior, peace, and guidance in these hard times. Returning to my house is a waste of the time you're putting into the deed you feel you are called to do. I have the gift of Salvation and have been baptized in the Spirit. The evidence is in the fact that while I spoke of the Kingdom, you held your tongue and listened intently, as the Bible says in Acts 6:10, "They were unable to resist the wisdom and the spirit by which he[she] spake." In fact, it was the only time you were not interrupting me. If I spoke of mundane things, you interrupted but when I spoke of the Kingdom, you fell silent throughout. Romans 8:16 tells us "The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God." If you couple that with "you shall know them by their fruits," then there shouldn't remain too awful many questions about whether I need to know God or not. I couldn't stop talking about Him this morning. What I'm trying to say with that is, we are Christians believing in the same God and having the same spirit who "works all in all," hence, we should know each other in a relatively short amount of time. I have always been able to sense the Spirit in someone, for I know my Jesus when I see Him.
Thanks for coming by guys, but I encourage you to know what Jesus' finished work on the cross is about. It's not about deeds and doing, but freedom and salvation. You can rest and let Him guide your paths.


Already Saved!  ✞

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


Warning: Actual footage from terrorist attacks on 9/11/01.

Today is a sad day for my country, but it's also a day to remember the love we have in our hearts one for another. Today we remember the events of September 11, 2001. A day wherein a small band of hate-filled religious zealots following their Muslim faith murdered 3,000 people on an otherwise ordinary day.

On this day 11 years ago, men who believe in the letter of the religious law carried out a diabolical and evil attack on the citizens of the United States. They boarded our planes and usurped authority over the pilots, crew, and passengers. They wrought fear and terror. So sure were they that their deed was blessed by Allah (their god) that they gave their own lives for their cause.

There's so much confusion as to why anyone would feel this much hate for another nation of people that it's not explainable. We can't explain the evil but we can explain the love that caused the first responders to rise up and take immediate action. We can explain the love that caused those people on one flight to attack their attackers, thereby causing the plane to crash in a field instead of in a neighborhood or into another building. We can explain the thousands of people that risked their own lives to save their co-workers that day. We can explain the love that carried people to their tasks and duties, their sacrifices and acts of kindness that saved others. Most of them died while saving total strangers.

The Bible describes the father of evil as the author of all confusion. When I can't sort something out in my mind, I know that it's not from God. After 11 years and 11 memorial speeches, I still can not sort it out. Why they hated us this much will always be one big question mark in my mind.

Moving past those who hated us and to the ones that loved another, I find complete peace and solace. I think of the fathers that didn't come home to their families that day because they gave their lives to save the father of another family, and although it's a tragedy in someone's life, it's a form of love that floods my soul and makes me smile.

What I see mostly coming from this tragedy was the unity and love that Americans showed. Although this country has become a nation of many religions and many atheists, those were not elements of any discussion on that day in the midst of the events. Nobody was trying to figure out if they should act or not based on their faith or lack thereof. I couldn't help but see Jesus move in so many ways. In the past 11 years, I have heard many stories from people trapped in the towers. One man, I recall, told the story of seeing someone in the smoke bidding him to come and when he obeyed, that "person" subsequently led him to an exit he could not otherwise find. But that person was never identified or seen again. The interesting thing is that the man says he doesn't believe it was a person at all, but rather an angel. Many people that day believe they saw angels leading them through the thick black smoke to safety. Some people felt comfort coming from sources they didn't understand. God was there that day! His peace was with many people and His arms encircled those who weren't going to come out. I firmly believe that heaven was a very busy place that day. There was much to do and the skies were full of more than smoke, but filled with souls transitioning between this life and the one they were embarking on anew.

That day changed my life. I have never been able to look at the footage without sobbing. I feel it all over again. I lament with my people but I triumph with them as well. Our love overcame the terrorists hate. Praise God for that!!

In closing, I thank God that He was supreme in our hearts. I thank Him for the many lives He spared and for the courage He gave others to sacrifice. As for me, I will never forget!