We all have a choice to believe in something, I choose to believe in God!

Monday, January 30, 2012


Ok, I wouldn't say life is good but I won't say "kill me now." That's a lie, if I knew that I could commit suicide and God wouldn't mind, I'd be out of here!! I don't say that with sadness and depression..on the contrary...I say that with the complete and utter delight of knowing I will meet my Jesus!! He is everything I look forward to when this journey is over.

Speaking of journeys, I've come to the conclusion that it's time for me to go back to the beginning of my Christian walk and start over without preachers and traditions. I'm going to re-embark on my journey. I'm going to focus my attentions on God's nature and not man's opinions.

It's become quite obvious to me that too many people telling me too many different things about worship and Christianity have muddled the truth for me. I've only become confused and disenchanted. It's time for me to fix this mess.

I give credit to a certain Pentecostal preacher for telling me what it's all about. I was searching and God sent him with the answer. The answer to the question, "how do I live a Christian life?" is "by knowing God through prayer and the yielding of yourself to His marvelous works." This preacher was speaking straight to me in what I perceived to be God's own words. He said, you can't love God by going to seminars and reading 40 chapters of the Bible a day, or dressing a certain way, or attending church regularly.

So, I'm backing up and starting over with a new perspective. I want to serve God in spirit and in truth. I don't want the burdens of religious tradition. If it's "not by might but by my Spirit" then I can't DO anything right.

This is completely off subject but I'm gonna put it out there just in case, I'm finding that ever since downloading the playlist and the little fish tank that my computer is doing weird things like, my mouse isn't responding when I move all the time now, and when I click the enter button on this post the cursor is jumping up to the top of the paragraph and I have to click the mouse to make it move. My computer isn't alerting to any viruses or anything but if there's something downloaded, let this be a warning to anybody else. I'm not too worried yet because I've always had little oddities with blogger posting like having to reset the fonts and colors a lot as I'm typing. I don't know. If you know what it might be, leave a comment please.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

joy without pain<>pain without joy

I have absolutely no fear of dying. I'm not scared of it at all!! All I can think about when the subject comes up is, 'I'll be meeting my Jesus!' Yay (and she giggles with delight)

But that doesn't change the fact that I have a job to do while I'm here. I have love to give and people are hurting enough to receive it. I love you hurting, lost, dying, and undone!! I love you crippled and sad. I love you blind and deaf. I love you unlovable.

I can count on half of one hand the people in my life that I really believe have a 'love' for me. If that's all I get, then I accept it as a gift. And a beautiful gift it is!! Love.

I have this little part of me that's bigger than the rest of me. It's my most treasured part. Where forgiveness flows and love is all-consuming. The flowers of my life bloom there, but it's my tears that water them.

One thing I've learned in life, you can't have joy without pain. But you can have pain without joy. As Jesus' disciples said, "This is a hard saying, who can hear it?"

Sunday, January 22, 2012


I'm thankful today that God knows my heart, hears my prayers, works it all out, and does it all for His glory and not my own. I was in the valley. It was reflected in a couple of the blogs I posted recently. I stood against the church. The devil, my enemy, must have been having a good laugh at my expense.

Today's sermon was my trip to the woodshed (as we say in the south about getting a spanking). God flat out told me what He thought of my disrespect of His church. He dealt firmly but lovingly with me.

He told me to go back over my blog and delete the posts that said anything negative about the church. He also told me that He knows why I feel this way about the church I've decided to leave. He made it known that His eye is on things and that He doesn't need my opinions. He told me that I was falling into a dangerous place as a Christian. He gave me the information I need to avoid the sudden impact of apathy and conformity to the world.

I erased those blog posts and I apologize to anyone who may have already read them. I can't remember the exact words the preacher used but I know that my words weren't helping anyone, they were hurting in fact. I was sitting in a place of judgement. Not my seat to take.

It's not my place as a Christian to stand against the church. I must stand with my people even when I don't agree. This is my lesson to be learned as to how easily the devil is able to divide and conquer.

The primary thing for me to know is that God has been with me through this entire journey into the valley. He brought me back out and He did it quickly. I'm here to say that He couldn't have done that if I had decided in my heart that I was right and couldn't be wrong. I knew if I left myself open He would work it out and reveal the truths to me that I might not see. It didn't take long for God to do a new thing.

This blog post is my way of acknowledging God's abilities to work and move in the hearts of His children when they're yielded. This is my public statement against the devils abilities to oppress, depress, or suppress God's children for any length of time. He'll always try, but God always wins. It sounds weak but I never claimed to be a writer.

It always hurts to take a spanking. Nobody willingly goes to the woodshed. But the blessing I've received today is immeasurable. The joy that has returned to me is invaluable. The peace that is flowing through me is like a river. The new knowledge I've gained is only attainable through the works of the Holy Spirit. I can only say it as it seems to me to be....God worked so hard to help me and save me and guide me back to Him and out of the darkness. He loves me so much!!! He loves you the same. If you don't know Him, go to the bottom of the page and say the prayer and you'll get the same kind of blessings in your own life that I got in mine.


Saturday, January 21, 2012


My angel-baby grandson is sleeping soundly right now. As I stood over his crib and watched his little back rise and fall, I was struck by the life in him. His little body no bigger than the length of my arm. His tiny heart pumping life throughout his tiny body. I'm in awe. Absolute awe. His life began because the lives of his parents began because the lives of their parents began, and so on. Where did that first spark of life begin? Life was passed into my grandson by life. I'm having the warmest feeling, and there is the biggest smile on my face right now. The thought of the miracle that is life. I can feel the reality of it but I can't articulate. He's sleeping without a care in the world. His tiny fat legs pulled up to his belly and his little fat hands are balled up on both sides of little shoulders. He's warm and peace-filled. He's making little wheezing sounds with every exhale. Just thought I'd share my moment of awe.

Friday, January 20, 2012


Only God can hear the cries of my heart and it's obvious that He has. Against all the odds my week has gone by without a hitch. It should have been an awful week, if it had gone the way I expected it to. But none of the tragedies I saw looming ahead ever materialized. I end this week with one more hurdle to jump knowing that God will either strengthen me to jump high enough or he'll lower the bar so that I can clear it without injury. Praise His name!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Note to self, God loves me and He's working it out. Stay close to Him, trust Him. He's gonna see me through. Today is a good day. I have an unusual lifting of my spirit. Something I've needed for some days now. Even my son, a man busy with his band and new son, noticed something happening to me spiritually. We often have to go through the valley to stand on the mountain. Being a Christian isn't about constant spiritual highs. It never seizes to disturb me to hear preachers tell their congregation that "you're a Christian, you should be the happiest person in the world." Really? How does one achieve that? By not seeing the starvation of children, murder, neglect, theft, drugs and alcohol and the destruction it causes? I say, if you're a Christian your heart should be burdened at all times if you live in the real world. I can't look around me and not be sad. I'll be happy when I get home. For now, I have to keep a vigilant watch over the tragedies of this time and pray for people. I'd rather cry my heart out every day for someone else's  pain and feel compassion for them, then to walk around with a stupid grin on my face all the time as if I don't know that there's any suffering. I think a warm and burdened heart is a right heart. Just my opinion and desire for myself. Truly I'm bruised and battered. My spirit is sore from the battle. But, fight I must! Thank you Jesus for the strength.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


We get one shot at life. One chance to do right by others. One chance to do the best we can with our children. One chance to be a good example to those watching us. One chance to be right with God. One chance to make our apologies in the moment. One chance to work at understanding. One chance to take notice of something that won't come by twice. Once all this is done, God might call me home and I'm ok with it.

Sunday, January 15, 2012


It's Sunday and I stayed home. I didn't feel the slightest pull to go to church this morning. I did, however, log on to a website and watch a sermon that blessed me. 

That's not what I'm called to do though. I'm called to have fellowship with other believers. Today, God spoke into me why. I already knew pretty much why, but He told me in a different more sure way. 

He said, "Daughter, when you're apart from others in the Kingdom, you are vulnerable and weak. You aren't as strong in your faith or abilities to act on my behalf. It's the same as the lion which stalks the herd for the weak, young, or injured. He will prey upon you without the protection of the others. There's strength in numbers and you must get back within the group."

I don't argue this point. It's absolutely true! I feel every word He said. The little things are beginning to weigh too heavily. I'm losing my temper. I'm doubting the church instead of standing with them.

It's typical of the enemy to whisper negative things and accuse the brethren. He has begun this trickery. If you read my blog for the last couple of posts, you'll see a decline in my praise. I went from "Hallelujah" to speaking of the failures of the church. But there's victory in the Lord and He won't let the enemy take one. We can't be plucked from His hand.

My heart is willing. It's time for God to do a new thing in me. I'm not done with service to the Lord and I can't go back into the world. But I'm not going back to that church. I'm ready to move forward and find a place of worship and the moving of the Holy Spirit. I'm ready to be swept up in the joy of being with my people. I'm not going until He shows me where and tells me when. I know other people will disagree but there's one scripture in the entire Bible that God uses consistently when dealing with me and my desire to be in the right church, despite the protests of preachers who think they hold the key to my spiritual success. "Work your own salvation out with fear and trembling."

The religion and tradition is what's destroying the church. Case in point..I found a blog wherein the writer is speaking scripture with every breath. The entire blog is "Jesus, prayer, do the works of the Lord, be this, be that." But when I made contact and assured the webmaster that I would pray for his requests and mentioned my own struggles and need for prayer, the reply I got was selfishly centered around meeting his demands for his needs and prayers and no mention was made of acknowledging my needs as a sister in Christ. This person didn't even know my heart was beating but was full of expression for the Lord. That's not our Jesus. Our Jesus sees outwardly.

Yes, I know that's only one person. That's the only story I'm telling. It's not the only incident I've run into. People are hiding behind Jesus, not living Him. There's too many blogs that are loaded from top to bottom with scriptures and the person's interpretations of those scriptures. There's widgets everywhere and little icons all representing Christ. But nobody is posting the prayer of salvation in hopes God will lead the lost to say it and receive Him. (There's one at the end of this page). I see the devil working to blind people as to what faith and works is.

I can't be conformed to this world but I feel like I have to fight conformity in the church as well. I can't be religious. I can't go through the motions. I'm not satisfied with this. I'm outraged that I'm sitting here at home on a Sunday and I already know not to expect a visit or phone call from the members of my church. I have to look towards greater things in God. A greater love and greater move. I'm waiting for the moment when God says, "GO." 

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Saturday, January 7, 2012


God of my soul and the light that shines from within me, give me the faith of a child! Show me that it's ok to trust you. Teach me that it's all about letting go and letting you do what you know is best for me. Show me that it's well worth it to jump off the side of the pool into your waiting arms and that the water is cool and I'll be safe. Help me to find my way down the path I've set my foot to. Just because I can see with my eyes that I'm here, that doesn't mean it's the right place for me to be. Faith in you will lead me onto and keep me on the right path. Give me that innocent trust that allows me to just say, "ok, I'll do it because you say so, God." When I wake in the first light of the day you give me, help me to see the beauty all around me. Let the moment I put my feet on the floor be the moment I am ready for your directions and guidance. Don't let my life be full of religion and traditions that would cloud my spiritual senses. Let me to see the act of worshipping you as I would see the act of picking a flower to give to my mom. Let my life be a simple act of giving to you. Teach me that I can give every part of my life to you and trust it in your hands. Show me that there's a right way to love and a wrong way to think of love. Show me the light and the glory of your essence and make me to know that's it's you I experience in a world such as this. Teach me about your heart. Teach me what touches you and show me how to attain to that knowledge. Take me back to the beginning of my soul and teach me how to love you afresh. Help me Lord to be who you created me to be! Show me how it is that your ways are higher than my ways. Show me how it is that your thoughts are not my thoughts. Give me every chance to say I'm sorry. Let me pick a flower for you Lord. If you'll hold out your arms, I'll jump! Give me the faith of a child so that I can jump!!!!

Monday, January 2, 2012


Since my blog is about my walk with Jesus, I feel obligated to chronicle my ups and downs. It's for myself. I don't even see that anyone is reading my blog. This is confusing to me. Where is everybody? Am I supposed to "edit HTML" to get traffic or something? It's like my blog is the only one nobody is joining or reading but I've seen 1,000 other blogs just like mine and they have 75 members. Hm. Anyway, I've missed 4 straight weeks of Sunday service and I have to admit that I can see the difference. I'm downtrodden and concerned. I don't feel wrong with God but I feel like something is amiss. People might ask, why don't you just pick up and go to a new church? Because I'm not built that way. I'm reclusive and I've always been this way. I can walk up to a stranger with a big ole smile and cheerful heart and feel confident speaking to them, but as a rule, it's not really in me. Especially when you're talking about interjecting oneself into a big crowd of total strangers. Some people fit in without a problem. I'm an unusual person in that I'm bold and outspoken when I have a conviction. If you say or do something in my presence that's unacceptable or unkind, etc., I'm definitely gonna speak out against your actions. Since most of this country is full of the "coddling kind" I don't fit in very well. People tend to expect the coddling. They expect that you're not gonna "be rude." Well, I will be "rude" if you're talking smack about another race, or treating your child like crap. So, suffice it to say, after a brief period of time, people find that I'm not the "coddling kind" and I will say things that make them a wee bit uncomfortable. This is my personality. I don't insult people, but I speak out against bad behaviors. So what?! This is one of the joys of being a recluse. There's not many people in my life and not many people knocking down my door to get into my life. I'm kind of freed up to speak my mind without the fear of losing acquaintances. They're already "losed"lol.. I got off track didn't I? I still find my thoughts coming back to the fact that God could possibly be preparing to do a new thing in my life. I watched an awesome preacher, Jonathan Wiggins, of the Resurrection Fellowship Church or Rez, in Loveland, CO., and he preached a sermon on the day I was questioning myself that fit my circumstances to a tee. Just like God to send a word in due season though. He said that God told him to tell His people that scripture was being twisted. I kind of knew that already which is why I question everything. The Corinthian verse "forsake not the assembling of one another as the manner of some is," doesn't mean "go to church and make an appearance." AHA!!!! I was right all along you pew warmers!! He said the Lord dropped it into him to tell us that He expects us to come bearing gifts to one another and to Him if there's no opportunity to give it away to your fellow man. Gifts such as the tongues and interpretation of such. Healing. Prophecy. I've always questioned the teaching of church attendance being mandatory or a command. I know darn well that the Bible doesn't say that. I never take a man's word for anything. If a man stands to have his paycheck given by people in a church congregation, there's a high likelihood that he'll preach this doctrine. Not certain, but likely. Some are corrupt that way. Anyway, the Lord confirmed through that message that I haven't been sinning against Him by missing service. Thank you so much Lord, thank you. What peace of mind that gives me. I've got to find my way though.