We all have a choice to believe in something, I choose to believe in God!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


This is a sad day for me. This is a very sad day. I want to pour this out because I don't wish to hold it tight to my heart where it could burn through to my soul. There are two factors governing my depressive state right now. The recent report of a motorcycle accident that claimed the life of the only man I ever loved came first. But as I  began to mourn Ron, the love of my life, another tragic blow. I must live knowing I won't see my grandchild anymore as she has cut ties and forbidden me from contacting her for a visit. Ron, a man who raised my son in place of his own dad, left a love print on the hearts of myself and my sons and so therefore, my son gave his son the name. Ronnie.

Ron and I met, fell in love, began our lives, lived our lives, and our lives ended together as he was unable to be a husband, father, and a drug free citizen. He made the choice to remain behind with the drugs while my children and I moved forward. But, he tried to quit his habits and came to where we were. Within months he was begging me to let him at least smoke pot. It was our struggle..me fighting him to keep him sober and him resenting me the whole way. Eventually, after another two year battle, we separated and divorced. Within another 2 years, I came home one day to hear his voice on my answering machine and our lives together began all over. However, true to form, he brought with him that which he carried everywhere, his addiction. I left with a heavy heart one last time. I left with nothing bad to say about him. I could only love him. He was a rock that I broke myself upon. When I made the final decision to move on and never look back, it was a decision I made with one thought on my mind...'leave now while you can still love him.' As he faded away from my life, he still kept coming to me..in my dreams. Every week. Week after week. Dream after dream. I studied to understand what it meant. My only answer was that I loved him still and could not stop it from being so. So it was that my love for him remained for the years that passed. I never remarried or ever lived with a man. I saw him last 3 years ago. In my driveway where he had found me...again. He always found me. The last words he spoke to me were, "I love you babes." He came to me in my dream last night but for the first time, I couldn't see him. He's gone.

Can I say all of this with expression? I think not. I don't think my one human heart can hold it and so therefore, I've displaced it somehow and embraced it all at the same time. This is how I will cycle through my emotions and eventually overcome.

I have been blessed with two grandchildren within three months of one another. Beautiful and healthy, blessed and wanted.

Three months ago my son separated from his new wife as well as his new son who stays with his mother. As a form of punishment to my son she has cut all ties with the family. She has told me tonight that I am not to contact her asking to see my beloved grandchild. I have been forbidden and he has been withheld. I'm broken.

This is deeply personal and wholly tragic. I want it noted that I love both of my grandchildren the same and feel no difference between them. However, their parents are not at all the same. One son is distant and one is close. Ronnie's dad is distant. Nonetheless, I've waited the lifetime of each of my children to meet their first born. I waited anxiously for nine months to greet them and welcome them into the world. I wanted desperately for my face to be one of the first they saw. I am considered a proud grandmother.

I was given months to bond with Ronnie. I kept him many nights and cherished every moment. I worked diligently to enrich his environment when he was in my care. I'm the typical grandmother. I drove in the night to take them diapers. I bought special bottles...$11 a piece. That's a lot of money for one baby bottle. But it was special and would help him to eat happily. I just didn't want him to be uncomfortable for even a moment.

He is a beautiful Gerber looking child. Big beautiful round eyes, flawless beautiful skin, chubby and pink. I adore him, I adore them both. But I don't have to miss my Liam. I get to "seeum my Liam" (as I quip at visit time)  nearly every week and my precious child sees to our visits with diligence. Thank you Gage!!

When the two of them (my son and his wife) separated, there was a time span forming. I was very afraid that too much time without a visit and Ronnie would forget me. I set about the task of keeping myself connected to him. I had a tiny inkling that she might take a spiteful route but I wouldn't let myself believe that she would go this far to hurt my son. It's the old benefit of the doubt scenario.

She is a good mother. She's patient and attentive and I never worried about her ability to care for Ronnie. She demonstrated her capabilities and want for his utmost of care. But this is the one area she fails in. What is important for a child is that he is surrounded by as many people that love him as is possible. The more love poured into a child, the more love they will pour out. But she has lost sight of this for her anger and hurt. My son hurt her. I understand. But I can't find the reason or explanation suitable for telling the child's grandmother that she is not to make contact anymore. I wasn't given an explanation or even told in person. It was sent via text. This makes my third week in a row of contacting her to see Ronnie. The last time I saw him was on the day she came to retrieve the items she had stored in my spare bedroom. I could feel something in the air. She hugged me very long before leaving. Something she has never done, in three years. It felt like a "goodbye."

The short end of a long story is that although I made her promise that I would get to see Ronnie no matter what happened between her and my son, she broke the promise. I was given 45 minutes to visit with Ronnie 3 weeks ago when last I saw him, at which time her dad made an excuse of an imaginary (and very convenient) emergency that needed his attention, and that was the end of that. She whisked Ronnie away. The next week, I  contacted her but it was never returned. So, again, this week I make contact to request a visit. Never have I been so humble in asking something of someone that has been so unkind to me. My request was promptly denied and I was told...and I quote, "...don't you ever call or text my phone again."

Only God can see me through this heartache. Only He can help me not to question all of this until I drive myself insane. Only God can bring peace and calm the storm and so therefore, I'll wait upon Him. In the meantime, I'm grateful for this place, this blog. I want to pour this out. I want the world to know that love is a beautiful thing when it's given and received with a pure heart.  They say that when a soul leaves this world, a child is born in it's place. I wonder if it's possible for the child to be born before the soul leaves. In this case 7 months before. I don't truly believe that. I can't be held responsible for anything I might say right now that sounds far-fetched, dreamy, or fantastic. Forgive me.

As I end this saying, I have no other words for it. I'm broken. My hope now rests in the Lord's understanding and compassion. He will repair my heart and I will go on. All for your glory Father!! Let me to testify as to your love and goodness and the healing salve you apply to the hearts of the broken!!