A GREAT STRUGGLE

It has finally happened. I knew when I started attending this little Baptist church that the spirit of Ichabod was upon it and that if I didn't get out, the quenching of the Holy Spirit would be inevitable. Now, I'm in one of the biggest struggles of my spiritual life. This is a great life's lesson for me. If you walk in the door and the service doesn't move you, neither do people worship nor praise, GET OUT!! That's not the church for me. I go to church to worship and praise God WITH others. Not for them. Not next to them. It's not supposed to be on one shoulder alone.  I need them to hold me up and that way I can be strong to hold them up as well. We're supposed to hold each other up and give each other the refreshing and strength to go on in the service of the Lord. If that's not the design of the church then what is? Jesus preached on the hillsides. Paul preached in letters from prison. The building isn't the point. That's just a roof from the cold and rain while a man of God speaks. We can have church under a bridge. I'm extremely distressed. The thought of starting all over is crushing for me. I don't want to pick up and move to another church. That's not my style. I'm not a socialite. I like the stability and security of attending the same church. But this one is destroying me. It's not that they're doing something "to" me necessarily. It's what isn't happening. When the Holy Spirit comes to a preacher during preaching and he won't allow what needs to take place, he's quenching the Spirit. When he quenches the Spirit, the move doesn't happen and the room is thick with agenda. That to me, means that the preacher will continue speaking the words he planned. Instead of opening his mouth and letting God speak through him. That's just racket. He has become "a tinkling cymbal and a sounding brass" to me. I've been up here a year and can't remember one thing that man ever said. But 8 yrs ago, I can remember a preacher leaping from behind the pulpit and landing 5 steps down and in front of that pulpit under the move of the Holy Spirit. I, myself, have screamed at the top of my lungs and jumped from my seat and bounced around the aisle like a Mexican jumping bean under the move of the Holy Spirit. I had no control of myself. That's just one occasion wherein the Spirit took hold of me and others. You don't do what you want in those moments. No "self-respecting" person would behave like I did. I wouldn't EVER do that in public. But when the Holy Spirit moves you, you just move. That was then and this is now.  I can't even sense a tear in this church. I need a major revival in my soul or I'm afraid of what's gonna happen to me. Why do I talk as if this is out of my control? Because in a way it is. This is the weakness of the flesh. This is the lack of strength. I can't pick me back up without God's help. I just can't. If I could, I would. It's like saying, "I can spoon feed myself without arms." He's the one holding me up and without Him, I starve. I need Him to indwell me, pick me up, revive me, renew, refresh, and set me back on a new path. I trust this will all change. I believe that it's more likely that He's doing a new thing than to simply believe that I'm a weak loser that can't just pick up and go. Since I've given God Lordship over my life, I have to trust that one day, I'll know what to do. I've got to hang in there. I've got to trust Him. But I can't lie and say I'm not a bit worried. I think part of my worry is that the church teaches "attendance is vital." But Jesus never said, "go to church" after healing people in the streets. Does anyone know what it is that He said more times than not? He said, "Go thy way, thy faith hath made thee whole." Where in that sentence do people get, "go to church"? To me, in my studies of God's word, it's just not in there. All of my hard labor in studying this concept of attending church by command hasn't yielded that truth. My studies have shown that people went to church to pay tithes, once a year. They went in observance of a Holy tradition, or in some verses it flat out tells me that they went "seeking the Lord." Nowhere in there does it say, "God commands thee to go to church faithfully or you're not considered right with Him." That's a lie. In fact, the Bible says, "not by might, but by my Spirit." I can't work for this. My butt in that pew doesn't mean anything to God accept that I'm working for something or seeking something. It doesn't put me in "good standing." I don't want people telling that to me. I know what the Bible says and that's where I'm getting my information. Sigh...anyway, I'm holding on and I feel better just getting it out. God bless me.