tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90488080881216539562024-03-13T06:07:18.593-04:00KELLINE THINKS THEREFORE SHE SPEAKSIf you're going through hell, keep going! The idea is to keep blazing the trail!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.comBlogger134125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-66911227758814437132016-02-13T10:06:00.003-05:002016-02-13T10:06:57.137-05:00The Year is 2016<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It's been a while since my last post but I like it that way. I like to have things to talk about even though nobody reads my blog posts.<br />
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I'm still doing well on the anti-depressants. My suicidal thoughts and tendencies have all but vanished and I never think about death or dying. There are a few changes in my life. I go to school and I'm in the final stretch. For those who don't know, I started school to give back to my parents since I spent the first half of my life being wild and unruly.<br />
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My son has had two children since my last blog post. He's been very busy. Had them a year apart. One is my granddaughter BrookLynn Capri and the other is granddaughter Rachel Grace Marie and they're both perfect. Beautiful baby girls.<br />
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Another change worth noting is that my son and his wife are staying with me, only not. See, Grant (my son) is a long haul truck driver now and so he's never here but his girlfriend, the mother of his second daughter is here with me. We're holding down the fort while Grant is away. He'll be gone for 30 days or so. He went through so much to get his CDLs so he could drive a truck. All he's ever wanted in life is to drive large machinery. It's so cool that he's made it this far.<br />
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Other than that, that's all I have to report. Things are going well and I'm happy for the most part. I've given up religion for spirituality and life is pretty good for now.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-54654060882715586222015-07-03T14:30:00.002-04:002015-07-03T14:30:47.294-04:00FEELING BETTER<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Well, fast forward from March 9th of 2015 wherein I uploaded my last blog post and this blog finds me doing well. I've been on Effexor anti-depressant for the past several months and it's working well for me. Before I started the medication I was very suicidal. I hated life and everything about it. I can't lie and say I love life now because I don't, but I'm bearing up under it a lot easier. I would recommend anyone who has depression like I have to get some help for it. Find a therapist and get some medication in your system. You'll feel and see a difference in yourself. I have a counselor although my true faith is in the medicine that God has provided me with. I say that because I prayed and prayed for the depression to be lifted and it wasn't until I got on the medication that it did indeed lift. So, therefore, it's not that God touches you with his finger and makes you better, it's that He leads you to the place you need to find for help. Don't be overly religious people. Prayer is about getting God to hear your cries for help so when He finally answers that prayer, don't second guess it.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-32514651552373426812015-03-09T11:56:00.002-04:002015-03-09T11:58:19.470-04:00I BATTLE ON<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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When someone says the words, "battling depression," that's exactly what they mean. It's a battle. I've been battling this thing for years although there was a brief lull during a time period where I thought I was cured. Nobody gets cured from depression. Depression is forever (or until heaven).</div>
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I started out with the extreme mood swings and that grew to rages. I got on medication and my moods are regulated. I take Wellbutrin and it seems to be the right medication, although I still struggle to get out of bed in the morning. </div>
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I write this to ask if there's anyone else out there struggling with depression who would like to share their story with me. I wonder how many people in my internet circle of friends has this problem?</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-31302589369708176172014-10-23T13:53:00.001-04:002014-10-23T13:53:16.440-04:00peace of iona (by Mike Scott, Waterboys) performed by the light acoustic...<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/XmerFEO4_mc" width="480"></iframe>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-24546051681303575632014-09-29T16:23:00.004-04:002014-09-29T16:23:53.011-04:00Family<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I don't know how it is in the lives of others but in my life, it's family that hurts me the most. May be because they know that I'll still stick around no matter how mean they are to me.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-59550379993706237262014-08-25T13:06:00.003-04:002014-08-25T13:07:28.008-04:00WHAT WE ALL DEAL WITH<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'd like to think that every single person is tormented by something so that when heaven comes, we all have the fullest gratitude possible.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-59545642286653866052014-08-21T17:12:00.001-04:002014-08-21T17:14:50.468-04:00Bubble Butt Corgi Twerk<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/f5KyMNDJE6o" width="480"></iframe>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-14189540376234768782014-06-29T22:19:00.003-04:002014-06-29T22:20:09.218-04:00TRAITS OF AN EMPATH<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All my life I've wondered why it is that I feel my energy drain away around certain people. I've wondered how it is that I can tell when someone is lying to me no matter who they are and if I've even known them long. I've always wondered if being a good listener is an attribute that came from conditioning or is this a gift of mine. There's so much about me (and others like me) that sets me apart. Everyone has their talents and there's nothing about me that's above anyone else, but there's a lot about me that's particularly different from most others. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm learning through therapy to seize the moment and live in it as it comes. I'm learning that it's okay to tune into who I am and not be ashamed to tout myself as being the great person I am. I'm learning that it's society that teaches prejudice, not God and not my genetics and therefore being prejudice against myself for saying, "I'm unique and special" isn't what I'm supposed to do but rather that's what society teaches us. It teaches us to hate ourselves, don't embrace yourself or you're considered a braggart. I'm no braggart but I'm unique, special, and I know now what it is about me that sets me apart. I'm an <a href="http://healing.about.com/cs/empathic/a/uc_empathtraits_2.htm">empath</a>. You can also think of people with my abilities as "sensitive." I've always felt overly or hyper-sensitive to others energies. This explains it so well:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 12px; line-height: 14.399999618530273px; text-decoration: inherit;"><i>Empaths are often quiet and can take a while to handle a compliment for they're more inclined to point out another's positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times, quite frankly in respect to themselves. They may have few problems talking about their feelings. </i><b>[</b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 12px; line-height: 14.399999618530273px; text-decoration: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>This is so true about myself, I hate compliments, they make me uncomfortable and I don't like being the focus of someone's attention].</b></span></span><br />
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<i>However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at blocking out others and that's not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings. </i><b>[I deal with the 'barrage of emotions from others' in that I feel your emotions in a deep way, it's almost tiring to sense other people].</b><br /><br /><i>Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavor to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.</i><b> [This fits in with my absolute hatred of being near my daughter-in-law when she has to discipline my grandson, that energy and confrontation is too much for me to bear].</b><br /><br /><i>Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and will have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another's ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.</i><b> [When I was a little girl, I lost all sense of myself once when watching a baby sea lion get clubbed to death on a nature show...I ran upstairs sobbing uncontrollably while the rest of my 6-member family just stared incredulously at me, they just didn't understand what the problem was].</b><br /><br /><i>People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet! They are like beacons of light. </i><b>[...which is why I tire so easily around people. They want me near them, they enjoy me and draw to my energy but this can drain me. I find people enjoying my company a lot but I never thought it was because of my empathic sensitivities].</b><br /><br /><i>Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding. </i><b>[This explains why the first day of seeing my Psychiatrist, he ended up telling me his entire life story and didn't talk about me one bit, which was okay with me and still is].</b><br /><br /><i>Here are the listeners of life. Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one--if only for peace of mind. </i><b>[I just told an old high school friend that I'm a problem-solver and I don't mind living alone for that reason, I can solve any problem that arises].</b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">That's about the size of it. I know now that I'm an empath and it explains everything. If you're an empath, you'll know it.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-57434508490120557532014-06-19T17:21:00.001-04:002014-06-19T17:21:55.332-04:00GRANDPARENTHOOD IS DA BOMB<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_fbiCQzs7DY/U6NTTFfKqPI/AAAAAAAAQg4/CmJQrl-iM1U/s1600/jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_fbiCQzs7DY/U6NTTFfKqPI/AAAAAAAAQg4/CmJQrl-iM1U/s1600/jpg.jpg" height="400" width="297" /></a></div>
I learned that being a grandparent is one of the greatest gifts our children can give us. My family is fractured, broken, lost, dispersed, disjointed, and generally wackadoo. We don't know how to get along, everyone is yacking about everyone else and someone is constantly doing something that makes the rest of us wonder how we could be related.<br />
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That being said, I can't honestly say bringing more babies into this family is always the most wise thing to do but I'm happy as a lark nonetheless. This picture is of Liam when he was a couple of months old. He's two years old now. Every time I look at this, I feel that warmth come over me and want to kiss his little chubby cheeks.<br />
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No matter what kind of family you have, there's a future generation coming along and there's always hope in them.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-11697380471506904412014-06-13T17:19:00.000-04:002014-06-13T17:19:44.586-04:00DON'T FEED THE TROLLS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I've been having problems with internet trolls. The advice that everyone gives is always the same, they tell me, <i>"don't feed the trolls."</i> I say that each troll is a person and each person has feelings for the most part. While I'd like to simply ignore them, I can't help but try to understand them.<br />
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What drives a person to be mean, rude, and nasty to people they've never even met? That's a question with an in depth answer so I won't try to break that down. All I'm saying is that trolls are people too and a lot of the time they have pain and sorrow and they don't know how to channel it.<br />
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I will say this, if you're an internet troll, you could try just telling someone that you have pain in your heart. The answer isn't always to project your pain and suffering onto someone else! Try finding that total stranger you wish to prey upon and tell them that you're a broken man or woman and see if you can elicit sympathy and understanding instead of going from post to post and person to person getting yourself blocked and leaving the first impression as the very worst one possible. It's easy to do and most people would rather you tell them you hurt rather than expressing it in the form of rage and anger that is improperly directed at strangers. It's not our fault you hurt but give some of us a chance to help you. You'd be surprised how many people will actually relate to you for it. The only alternative is being the troll. You don't have to be a troll when you're really a human being.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-48032507086721745382014-06-10T10:59:00.002-04:002014-06-10T11:00:57.952-04:00MY TOE HURTS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It's the strangest anomaly. My doctor has started me on Abilify and I've developed a Tourette's type of tick in my pinkey toes (or 'pinkle' toes as my grandson says). I can't stop stretching my toes out and apart and my feet are actually starting to hurt from it. Ugh.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-2093475455653517352014-06-04T13:28:00.001-04:002014-06-04T13:28:46.276-04:00I'M SLOW AT CHANGE<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Although I can handle change, it takes me awhile to acclimate to trying. For example, my avatar needed changing over a year ago. I lost visual on it in blogger some months back and it was time to change it. It was showing up on some pages and not on others but the fact is that the pic was old and it was time to update. I hate the thought of being the same person for years and years and then when the time comes to meet someone in person you've met online (friends that is), they see this person in front of them that doesn't remotely resemble the person in their avatar. I like to keep it updated even though it's only a testament to my aging process.<br />
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Change is good but it takes me some time to realize that change is needed. That being said, I seem to welcome changes frequently in life. For example, I've reinvented myself probably 9x. By "reinvented" I mean that I have lived an entirely different lifestyle throughout life. I've been a simple mother and house wife, a carpet installer for 13 years, a builder of houses, a painter, an electrician, a student, and I foresee a career in psychology or counseling in my future. I just seem to cycle through these changes and lifestyles albeit each one evolves at a slow pace. I find it interesting, and it's also very cool to have looked back over my 45 years and see that I've covered such a wide range of lifestyles. I was even a biker chick for a time, a tattoo fanatic, and a couple of things better left unmentioned. All of these required I shift gears and live a certain lifestyle in order to be a master of my trade or to be the best fan I could be. Whatever the case was at the time, it had to be a lifestyle and not just a hobby running in the background. When I go in, I go in all the way.<br />
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Life has been a roller coaster and it's not even over yet.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-16533759286112709562014-05-30T18:40:00.000-04:002014-06-03T17:02:12.686-04:00HOW TO...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Love bread and love ice cream? Would you believe that if you mix any kind of ice cream you choose into a bowl of self-rising flour, that you can make bread? Yep, it's that easy, mix about 3 cups of self-rising flour in with the amount of ice cream it takes to make it doughy and bake at 350°F for about 45 minutes or until your bread looks done and voila, bread made from ice cream. Sherbert is not recommended.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-16789258194685799412014-05-29T16:55:00.001-04:002014-05-29T16:56:21.516-04:00DEPRESSION DOESN'T DEFINE ME<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Depression does not define me. I have depression but I'm not depression. I despise the labels people place on everything and everyone. I'm not depressed, I'm Kelline.</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>What does it take to change that internal dialog? I can start looking at my mirror image and say, "Hi Kelline, remember, you're Kelline and Kelline has depression but it doesn't define you so don't ever look at you and say, 'hi depressed.'"</i></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-91966319188338567542014-05-22T15:22:00.003-04:002014-05-22T15:22:42.885-04:00UPDATE ON DEPRESSION<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm now blogging for no other reason except to say something to myself for future posterity, and if you folks happen to read it, consider that you're reading my mind, essentially.</span><div>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started Abilify two weeks ago, this is an anti-depressant therapy treatment. It's the magic bullet. I've begun feeling more social than I've ever felt in my life. All these years I've been misanthropic. Well....actually I've been depressed and that's how it manifests for me. Depression is different for everyone, and for me, it's a matter of lacking ambition, moodiness, dark moods, bad dreams, and anti-social behavior. That is starting to change. My moods have improved, I've found myself wanting to be social as never before, my ambition level has increased, and I feel like I have a new lease on life. I also see a therapist but that's for another paragraph.</span></div>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another paragraph:</span></div>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My therapist is, hm, telling me a lot about himself. I'm not sure if it's okay to tell your charge about yourself to the degree that you end up knowing more about him in two visits than he knows about you but we'll see how this thing goes.</span></div>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That's it for now, I just want to update myself.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-58137469774977648602014-04-18T15:17:00.001-04:002014-04-18T15:19:20.490-04:00UPDATE ON LIFE (YAWN)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I begin my writing with an update on my oldest son. Last we heard he was just completing the police academy and entering his job as a law enforcement officer. He was there all of two or three months when his Air Force career took precedent and he was deployed. How do you like that, the child fights his entire life to be a cop, and as soon as he makes it, he's done. He had to quit because he won't be there for 6 months, although they assure him that his position or one like it could still be available upon his return and that he can keep the hope alive. He left America on March 16th, 2014 and isn't likely to return before September. We only hope that date isn't as tentative as we think it is. Nothing is what it seems in the military. Dates change constantly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm nearing the end of another semester, this time World Civilization II and Composition I. I'm doing well in both courses but that's by choice. There's no legitimate reason that I can see why any student would enter college and then fail themselves. I never did understand that mentality. If you're going to start, then finish. I suppose college isn't for everyone and what seems like a good idea at the onset quickly shows itself in a more realistic light and the struggles are too much for some students. Understandable if you're working a full time job and trying to go to school full time. Wow, what dedication!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My youngest son is still "my little troubled one." I hear from him and then I don't for months. It just makes me appreciate contact when I get it. I really really like him, my youngest son, Grant. He's such a nice guy and we have so much fun around each other. I love to annoy him and he loves it when I do. Don't let him kid ya'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My grandson is the bomb! Liam, Liam, Hungry Liam, that's we call him sometimes hehe. There's a child's book on the market called "The Hungry Caterpillar," or something like that so we just adapted it to Liam. He's a veggie eating fool, that one. Loves his carrots and broccoli. The way I see it is if you never introduce junk food to them, they never know what they're missing. Therefore, there's no reason to ever give your children cookies, cakes, candy, coke, etc., give them fruits and veggies and that's what they'll learn to love and desire. At the very least, make the former items a treat and not a staple of their diet.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My health has deteriorated. My spinal deficiency has deteriorated to the degree that I have a herniated cervical disk now. I'm not surprised, remember, the doctor that diagnosed me told me this would cripple me someday. I'm in constant pain, suffering with numbing of the hands, prickly feelings, aching and throbbing in the right side of my shoulder and arm. Even stepping hurts as it jars the spine. I'm having a hell of a time concentrating in class and sleeping at night. I'll be seeing a neurosurgeon in May, although I'm not sure why my doctor is sending me to a neurosurgeon but that's what she thinks I need so, let's start there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My anti-depression therapy has bombed. It hasn't pulled me up enough. I had an early onset of improvement but I think it was more due to power of suggestion than actual chemical rearrangement in the brain. I think I was hoping it would help me so I adopted some thoughts about it that tricked me into thinking I was happier. May be I saw a few extra good videos that month or heard more jokes than usual and got a giggle or two more. Either way, I'm still down in this hole and fighting to stay alive. I'm fighting to hide it from family and friends so I don't burden people. Sometimes I think that's the worst part. I don't want my son to worry and him on the other side of the world. I don't want my younger son to feel obligated to call more to see if I'm still alive. I'll sort it out on my own but I'll be seeing a Psychiatrist to get a more professional assessment and regulate the medication this month. My poor old family doctor feels like such a failure.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There we have it. Kelline's life, what a ride!</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-82493127987532885842014-03-16T11:45:00.002-04:002014-03-16T11:46:20.717-04:00A Soldier Says Goodbye<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FDwZysWe06U/UyXGg8F0L2I/AAAAAAAANIg/2UDQbQWblH4/s1600/IMG_5883.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FDwZysWe06U/UyXGg8F0L2I/AAAAAAAANIg/2UDQbQWblH4/s1600/IMG_5883.jpg" height="640" width="476" /></a></div>
This is my son, Gage, kissing his son, Liam, goodbye this morning March 16, 2014. Today they fly my son to a Middle Eastern country to serve his time in a war I can't understand.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-11995349598365236382014-03-01T09:47:00.002-05:002014-03-01T09:48:00.099-05:00A COSMIC FAIRYTALE<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I chose this song out of all of his music just because it's an eloquent way for him to speak of his own personal beliefs, no matter what they may be. This is one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard!! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-53373260748127080212014-01-22T20:20:00.002-05:002014-01-22T20:21:00.273-05:00NO MOURNING ALLOWED<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Well, it's been a few months since I started anti-depressants. While my feelings about suicide have gotten better and I rarely consider killing myself as I did before, I can't lie and say that I'm better and I feel like life is worth living for the first time in years.<br />
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Living with depression is life long, it doesn't get better and I've never been healed from it. I have good moments in life wherein I'm feeling okay in that moment and the depression is masked a bit, but it's always there, lurking beneath the surface. My thoughts are frequently drawn to the negative things in life and it's a constant struggle to stay on top of it. I'm battling, that's the word I was looking for. For the first time in my 45 years of life, I understand now that I'm fighting to stay alive.<br />
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I was contemplating suicide a lot when I first started this blog. I have the joy of the Lord and that's my strength and He's never failed me when I cry out to Him, but I believe He would understand if I lost this battle. He knows there are some things that I just can't endure. The prayer and the medication is helping but it's not fixing this. I abhor life just as much today as I ever have. I still lack the desire to be here. I still hate this world. With all the love I have for God, I have the same amount of hatred for this world.<br />
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Let me make this clear, IF someone reads this and feels compelled to speak to me....I'm not in need of a shoulder to cry on, I'm not that weak. I don't need to be reminded of all the beauty in the world yet to be seen, I'm not that blind. I don't need to be encouraged to remain alive for my kids and those who care about me, I'm not that selfish. This is depression alone and fortunately for me, it's not depression coupled with selfishness. If I've lived this long, I'm sure I'll survive the last years and go when God comes for me.<br />
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It's strange that after 45 years of depression, I'm no closer to understanding me than I ever was. I'm a two year student of Psychology and I'm still no closer to solving my own mental issues than I was 10 years ago or 15 years ago. It's like depression is a cruel secret being kept within one's own mind and it can't be known.<br />
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Here's what I want to say, when I die I forbid mourning. I forbid sadness. I absolutely forbid anyone to hang their head and click their tongues as if to say, <i>"what a tragedy, what a sad sad tragedy." </i>I prefer it to be said, <i>"Finally free, praise God, she's finally free"</i>. That's what death is, it's a release, it's freedom. I'm in a cage within myself. I'm trapped in this mind. I can't find the way out and it's dark in here. All of the light that I can find is artificial and the bulb is dim. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that when I'm dead, I'm going to finally see the brightest lights, the sharpest colors, feel a perfect breeze, understand the language of the birds, smell every single fragrance individually and at once, hear every note of every song played on every heavenly instrument but with perfect tone and timing and my soul will sing along with it. So, since this is what I believe will become of me, there's no reason for there to be any sadness. Why be sad if you know that someone is truly in that proverbial better place?<br />
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Great! Then it's settled.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-12979721658101277192013-12-11T19:19:00.003-05:002013-12-11T19:20:08.068-05:00THE MEANING OF THE CANDY CANE<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: red;">"A CANDY MAKER'S WITNESS"</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">A candy maker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would be a witness, so he made the Christmas Candy cane. He incorporated several symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ.</span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy. White to symbolize the Virgin Birth and the sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock, the foundation of the Church, and the firmness of the promises of God.</span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">The candy maker made the candy in the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to earth as our Savior. It could also represent the staff of the "Good Shepherd" with which He reaches down into the ditches of the world to lift out the fallen lambs who, like all sheep, have gone astray.</span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candy maker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received by which we are healed. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ on the cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life.</span></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Unfortunately, the candy became known as a candy cane-a meaningless decoration seen at Christmas time. But the meaning is still there for those who "have eyes to see and ears to hear". I pray that this symbol will again be used to witness to the wonder of Jesus and His great love that came down at Christmas and remains the <i><b>ultimate </b></i>and <i><b>dominant </b></i>force in the universe today.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="color: red;">MERRY</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>CHRISTMAS</b></span> </span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-60264064909054183672013-12-06T22:51:00.000-05:002013-12-06T22:51:02.504-05:00LIFE IN A NUTSHELL<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: magenta;">I'm just going to stop in a minute and do a little updating on life recently. It hasn't been exquisitely exciting but it hasn't been infuriatingly boring either.</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">School is going great, I finish the semester on the 9th and 10th with final exams in Philosophy and Sociology. Philosophy bored me to tears with it's open-ended questions and maddening theories of human nature, all of which argued the other. Sociology was interesting, I ate that up!! I did well in both classes but it's now time to move forward so next semester it's World Civilization and Composition. </span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">My grandson is getting big, he just turned 2 in November. I still haven't seen the other grandson who's mother decided to take him away in the night. Who does such a thing after a grandmother has worked so hard to bond with her grandchild and be there for the young couple? Who just wisks him away in the night as if our bond means nothing? I still can't understand how she could have done this to little Ronnie and I, but it's done so there's nothing left but faith in God that He'll bring Ronnie back to me. I know for a fact the bond I forged can't be broken by any amount of time. He may not remember me, but he'll remember the love I imparted for that brief period of time and then he'll remember me in his spirit.</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">I finally got myself lined out with anti-depression medication and it has really helped a lot. My suicidal thoughts have almost vanished and I feel a sense of well-being. I still have a long way to go to truly be happy because it lurks beneath the surface at all times, but I'm on my way.</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">I'm still single, mainly because there's nobody in this entire state that doesn't say the word "perty". haha, just kidding, that's not why I'm still single but it does play a role. I just need some intellect in a partner and I seem to live in a part of the country where the men are oversexed, too much into mudding or southern rock bands, and have no interest in the person I am. I think it's a cultural thing. I've noticed stark contrasts in the mentality of men in the U.S. as opposed to men in the U.K. and other nations. I really don't care at this point because my faith isn't in the men, it's in the Maker of them.</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">God is still performing miracles in my life. Just when I grapple with Him because I feel He's failed me, He shows me that He doesn't have failure as a part of His personality or ambitions. He just takes good care of me in spite of my lack of deserving the things He does. I deserve up to a point but I can be so saucy with Him, I'm surprised He hasn't struck my mouth with a bolt of lightening just to seal the stupid thing shut for a minute. haha</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">I have a beautiful new God child....oh he's something! His name is Nathan and he lives with his adopting dad in the Philippines. He was offered to his dad because the mother had so many children and couldn't take care of one more. His daddy, my dear sweet friend, couldn't say no and took him without hesitation into his arms and heart. Nathan has thrived in his care. Incidentally, his daddy is a blogger, a blogger I met by following his blog. Carlo Magno is the name and taking pictures is his game. He's an extremely good photographer and captivated me with his images the moment I saw them. I've never ever been interested in photography or viewing photographs until I met someone who photographs from the heart, that's Carlo! Then we became friends and then Carlo "had a baby" and I was asked to be his Godmother. What an incredible honor! I only wish I was a rich woman because that baby would be showered with gifts from America!!!</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Last but not least, my children! My oldest beautiful son, a.k.a. "Sunshine Boy", has finally achieved his life long dream of joining the field of law enforcement. He went through the police academy and earned his badge. He now works as a correction officer for the local jail. He'll work there for a time and then move to field work. As for my youngest son, a.k.a. "my little troubled one", he's somewhere living his life and finding himself and I'm just here loving him and praying for him, that whatever he's up to, be it good or bad, it's for a purpose and that God is bringing him through his valley to stand on the mountain. He has been trouble recently and I do worry a bit, but then I reflect on my own path and how God used every mistake I ever made to build character in me. He's brilliant and I trust Him with my son the same as He trusted me when He loaned the child to me to raise. It will all work out well. </span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Well, that's the update for now. I must go study for the finals!! God bless everyone who visits my blog! </span><span style="background-color: magenta;"><span></span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-19812873517996914452013-09-21T16:23:00.001-04:002013-09-21T16:23:32.806-04:00...HAVE A JOKE ON ME!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><u><b>Just a little joke to break up the monotony:</b></u> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f8f8f8; color: #404040; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 18px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-3632453544243008942013-07-26T02:16:00.000-04:002013-07-26T02:16:27.066-04:00HOG PENS ARE A GOOD THING <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When God created the world and all that's in it, He created man with free will but He wrote His word upon the hearts of men that we may know Him if we seek Him. Jesus never knocked and asked for entry, He was always sought and given a seat at one's table. The same thing applies in our lives today. Same concepts. We still have free will, we can still know Him if we seek Him, and He still doesn't force His way in.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My friend and I were discussing someone she knows who has been saved but seems to be enduring the "trials and tribulations" the Lord warned us of. My friend felt that she had the answer to what ails the young woman and her opinion was that the young woman just needed to get in church and be with other believers. I agree that she needs to surround herself with believers but I didn't agree that she'd necessarily find peace or resolve in church attendance. After I stated my opinion, I questioned myself, <i>'why would I think that?'</i> God told me why, shortly after our conversation had ended.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">God opened my memory for a while and allowed the things I did, places I went, and people I hung around to flood my mind. I remembered meeting Christ as a child and growing up with sparse interactions with Him. Mostly, I'd be forced to go to church when I stayed the night with a friend whose parents were church goers and those were the house rules. The thing God wanted me to see the most was that I wasn't meant to get saved and stick to His side like a scared <i>untrusting</i> child. I was meant to live my life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once I was the Lord's, <i>"nothing could pluck me from His hand"</i> and my time to wander into the world and make my mistakes was upon me. The entire point of knowing God but having an earthly existence is to live, learn, and make mistakes so that you learn to build your faith...to lean on God. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I myself ventured out and lived in the "hog pens" of the world. When God called me back for restoration (like the prodigal son), He found me chin-deep in the hog pens. What that meant for others around me who would be struggling the same as I had was a testimony of miraculous change for which they could rely on as a God-given truth, an encouraging word to let them know there's hope, the realization that God never leaves us, nor does He refuse to forgive. I was meant to acquire my testimony so that I could share it for good reason at the right time, just like I heard someone share their's for good reason and at the right time for me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My friend and I talked a bit and I told her all of this, to which she listened attentively and thoughtfully. We changed the subject thereafter but I knew my friend understood that her friend would have to venture into the world, fall into a few hog pens, get very dirty, but once God's plans for her life had been accomplished in that, He would reach in and pull her from the pit, clean her up, and set her before others to share of the miraculous things He had done for her. Possibly at a time when she thought she was unforgivable.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We have to let one another make mistakes. We have to trust that God is building the faith of our brothers and sisters through their trials and tribulations and that the motivation should never be us trying to tie them to a church bench and expect that to keep them from suffering. We're meant to suffer with Christ. We're meant to use those times to build our faith in God. We're meant to find, through our trials, that God never left us nor forsook us and that He forgives His foolish children, like any good parent would.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-63601520338915649262013-05-26T13:46:00.001-04:002013-05-26T13:46:29.150-04:00THE SOUND OF MUSIC<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is not at all what you'd expect from a man with a violin. He's very talented, very diverse, and the music he makes will make you want to close your eyes and float to somewhere you can find laughter and love! Enjoy</span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02685466428387321651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9048808088121653956.post-16264538947803208872013-05-01T16:02:00.001-04:002013-05-01T16:02:10.508-04:00THE MAN WHO LOVES GOD!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/gonpqxlLIa0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Leonard Knight, a man who found Jesus and was changed so profoundly that the next 47 years of his life have been dedicated to sharing one simple message, "God is love and it's not complicated, keep it simple, He loves everyone, you don't have to complicate it."</span> [paraphrased]<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">This is a really good 9 minute video showing his Technicolor Mountain, also called Salvation Mountain. He's been working on it all his life, alone in the desert, just for God! How amazing is that?</span></div>
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