Sadness is to be expected. I have a hard time with that. I have a hard time knowing if this sadness is part of the depression I have, or my lot in life. The Bible mentions one's lot and so I tend to wonder about it often. Did God set this pace for me before I was born? Did He have other plans for me but my mother's emotional unavailability caused me to grow up to become this? I know that all things will be revealed someday but I sure could use some answers now.
Most people are able to cope with the slightest anxiety or disruption to their joy. I, on the other hand, have a time with it beyond what I can endure sometimes. An example would be the week I took a math quiz and found out upon completing it that I had added all of my polynomials instead of multiplying them. Hence, I made a 70 which is way below my ability and it caused me so much stress and anxiety that I burst into tears in front of my entire class. I couldn't cope with the thought of not getting that "A" which I had studied all week for. I see other students fail and they just give a hardy "darn". Why can't I just say "darn"?
This blog post will be my vent. I'll pour out here for no reason except that it's my blog and I can say whatever I want. I want to say this. I want to say that I'm sad. A lot. Deep in my soul is a light that God has placed in me, but I can't reach it whenever I want, and when I do it's only briefly. Is everyone else like that? Does anyone else feel like sadness plagues them more than their joy? If not, how? How do you be happy all the time? What do you say to yourself to make yourself happy? Do you tell yourself that all is well all the time or, do you convince yourself that nothing really matters because it's not in our hands anyway?
Lately, my prayers don't get past the ceiling. I say them but they're not warm and full of love and light. I feel like I say them to try to get God to hear me but they don't turn His head. I'm struggling today to feel warmth and light. I'm just mad at so many things going wrong and I'm so confused because, it's been this way for me all my life. I've never been wealthy. I've never had things in life handed to me. It's never seemed easy. My children worry me, I've lost two grandsons (one to murder and one due to his mother leaving the state with him). The only man I ever loved has left this world and I am alone in it. Is this called "woe is me"? I just want to know where the trials and tribulations end and the depression begins because it all blends together. I wish I could explain depression to someone who doesn't have it but wishes they understood. It's like being on one end of the spectrum or the other at the drop of a hat. One tiny thing can push the depressed person over into sadness, so imagine what many things happening at once can do. Most of the time I just put one foot in front of the other and trust the Lord. He hasn't failed me and I have to tell the world that. This isn't God abandoning me. I see that He holds my hand and carries me a lot. I know He's with me or I would have left this life behind a long time ago.
I think this is the fire we all must be tried in, the oven that gets so hot sometimes we cry out and tell the Lord that we can't take anymore. Everyone has to be tried and go through their process of refinement. Those of you who are in tune with the Lord will understand what I mean and how that process works. He never gives us more than we can bear. This is the absolute truth because I've cried out to Him many times that I couldn't stand anymore suffering. Suddenly, without warning, the "heat" would be turned down, or the door cracks and is slightly ajar in the oven of life and the "heat" escapes. I am able to see beyond the flames and there standing on the other side is the Lord and He's waiting to greet me when I come through. But He's there nonetheless. He hasn't just shoved us into the situation and left us there to burn to our spiritual death. He knows it's hard, and even harder for some than others. He knows how high the "heat" should be and He knows how long we need to be in it in order for us to become something better than we were. When I fight through a situation I find myself feeling sometimes devastated and completely without control. I feel frustrated and fed up and many times, as depression dictates, I cry for the time to end. Now, for those of you who want to tell me that I'm not supposed to accept depression and it's not God's will, and all of those nice thoughts about a perfect life, I have to disagree with that. There is great worth and value in these things no matter how confusing they may be. God is able to be glorified through the very things that some preachers are telling people aren't supposed to be happening. But I say yes, they are supposed to be happening, for His glory! What kind of diamond doesn't go through the process to become beautiful, cut, and with exact clarity? What kind of stone doesn't get polished before it's set where it will be beautiful to behold? What kind of instrument sounds sweet in it's holding case instead of in the hands of the master who plays it with skill? We weren't meant to sit here in perfection and live the good life without these things, for that would serve to change nothing.
The world understands sadness and God understands us. While I love the faith of a Pentecostal church as they lay hands on one another and receive miracles, the truth is that we're not meant to live a life that doesn't include the trials and tribulations. While I admire any and all faith-filled brothers and sisters, I see nothing in the Bible that backs up the preaching that it's "not God's will that we should have trials and tribulations...it's not from God." I see that it plainly tells us that "In this world, ye shall have trials and tribulations but be of good cheer for I have over come the world." I see all evidence of that. Small miracles happen all of the time and I can't deny the fact that they're too wonderful and miraculous to be random coincidence. As the world travails, the Lord prepares His arrival. We see that the end of times is upon us. One can hardly deny the things happening line up with the Scriptures. I worry incessantly that I'm not prepared. That I'm wrong to assume God's grace is the place to cast my shortcomings and that I should be as pious as possible and work for it. Even though that goes against everything I believe I read in the scriptures, there's still a little voice (which could be the enemy drawing me off the path of truth) telling me to "be better". I tell you that I'm as good as I get unless the Lord works a miracle.
A miracle has already occurred. While I was typing this post, I wept. I felt overwhelming sadness. I thought of my sisters in Christ that come to my blog and always leave a faith-filled comment, Sateigdra, Brenda, and Monica. I thought of these ladies and the more I typed and thought of them the more warmth and light I began to feel. As I sit and type out the end of this post, I feel so much better, as if the three of them have surrounded me with God's love. See, God already made the way for this moment by bringing those three faith-filled women into my life. I know that they'll each have a powerful word of hope, faith, and love to share with me and the world in their comments (God-willing that they're able) and I feel it already. God was here, just like I said He was. I came through this moment of refinement where I began by feeling hopeless, and now I've learned something completely new. If you know someone faith-filled, sometimes that's enough to give peace. I know that I'm not alone.(◡‿◡✿)
