We all have a choice to believe in something, I choose to believe in God!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


As a mother, there's nothing more reassuring to me then to know both of my children are saved. Today, I was thinking back on my youngest son's life and trying to remember everything that  would give me that confirmation. I've been on my face sobbing today asking God to confirm this for me.

Grant, my son, is 21 and has had a time in life. My ex-husband and I divorced when he was 3 and Grant didn't find his dad again until he was about 15. His dad seemed to stay back in the shadows until Grant wasn't so "needy" anymore and then he emerged with a shout of "I'm dad!"

He has come into Grant's life with pomp and leadership. The effect he has on Grant is profound. He conforms immediately to his dad's will. He even takes on his characteristics. This is probably normal and to be expected. There's some things about his dad that I'd give my big toe if Grant would leave out of his own character. But I don't tell him so. I say all of this to give an idea of how his dad influences him in not so many good ways.

When Grant was 9, I became involved with a man that was pure evil (again, considering the first divorce). We ended up in a shelter. There, some women came to talk to us about Jesus. I had been saved as a little girl but this was Grant's call. He said the prayer of faith, and I wrote down the date on a slip of paper. I still have that slip of paper.

One day, as we were attending service Grant came to me and said, "mom, I want to say the prayer of faith with the preacher. I'd feel better if I did." I ran like the wind to my preacher and told him Grant's words. But, he never came to collect Grant. Something about that day has left a hole in my heart, an empty place where that act should have been. Today, I begged God to give me the confirmation that it wasn't necessary for that man to do anything.

Grant was baptized in that same church by another preacher who came to fill in for the one who quit. The same one who never came to collect a young man with a spiritual need. So, as I wept and longed for peace in this matter, God wasted no time giving me an answer. I was answered within minutes. He showed me the day (just one) that my son got up and walked from the furthest pew in the back of a very long church full of people to the front and knelt at the alter not far from where my seat was (in the front). A deacon came to him immediately and knelt next to my child, my precious beautiful gift from God. And God let me hear the words exchanged between them. Which now, as I reflect on it, shouldn't have been possible. He said to my son, "do you know Jesus?" And my son, without hesitation, lifted his bowed head and looked the man straight in the eye and said, "yes." Only those of us who know God, know that we do and have no doubts, amen? amen! He was a teenager. Appearance was everything. Knowledge was just beginning. And yet, there he was in front of 100s of people kneeling at the alter telling someone "yes, I know Him." I never asked him why he went (it's not for me know).

Grant could never know what it means to me now, that simple word. The deacon who made the choice to join him there and just ask, could never know what it means to me now. We never know what simple acts can mean later down the road. I was never able, in 6 years of faithful attendance in that church, to hear one word passing between a deacon and his charge. Until that day and only then since. Thank you Jesus for remembering before the time came!!

Sunday, February 26, 2012


God is not a religion. He's not a well done deed. He's not a well put together outfit. He's not a candle lit every time all the time. He's not a mantra. He's not an act performed for the world to see. He's not a promise to pray. He's not a well-wishing. He's not a handshake. He's not a hymn. He's not a hymn leader. He's not a building with elaborate ornamental design. He's not a building fund. He's not a 10% tithe. He's not a weekly story. He's not a book. He's not a one time gift. He's not a church Rolodex. He's not repeated verses.

God is love. He's a tear for the lost. He's a cry for peace. He's a love print left on the heart. He's a gesture made in desire. He's a word of encouragement. He's a mother's love. He's a hand reaching out. He's an embrace. He's a patient ear. He's a concerned friend. He's a journey to visit. He's a compliment. He's a kept promise. He's a sacrifice. He's an act of love. 

Thursday, February 23, 2012


I have to post this as evidence of Christ in me! I'm watching a documentary called "Lockup: Inside Riverbend" which is essentially the cameras catching the life inside the prison Riverbend, located in Nashville, TN. I just have to express that I'm weeping and feeling compassion for a young inmate (a mere 21 yrs. old) who violently murdered his aunt because she was the closest thing to killing his mother. A mother who betrayed his love as a child and brutalized him. I'm speaking in the Spirit. Jesus loves him so much. He loves this young man. I love this young man. It's not his fault that his mother hurt him and it's not his fault that he is damaged so much that in his own words, "I have no value on this earth except to be a serial killer and if I'm never getting out of this place, I figure I might as well carry out that plan..to be a serial killer." He's in lock down 23 hours a day. Not because of his crime but because he's violent inside the prison walls. He doesn't know love. He didn't know love. But Love (capitalized to represent Christ and the nature of who Christ is) knows him. I love the young man in spite of what he did. Some would call me as insane as the young man, but I know Christ, and He dictates this emotion. My flesh would hate the young man but I don't operate in the flesh. I operate in the Spirit and the Spirit is of God and God is love! It's the only way I can say to the world that God loves, and if He's inside you then you love the unlovable. Those who know Jesus, know love and understand me with perfect clarity. Those who do not know Jesus have no understanding and therefore no compassion and can't understand what I'm saying or where it even comes from. In closing, I say this, I'd rather be considered insane or crazy for loving this young man than to be cold along with the world and deem him unlovable and condemn him to death or hell.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


You never know the oppression you live under until it's been lifted. You never know the right direction to go in until you take that first step. I am experiencing both the freedom and the direction.

Before I took that first step, the devil was in my ear telling me, "no good Christian would ever walk away from the Sunday ritual." That last word "ritual" was the mistake he made with his effort to convince me. I kept saying to myself, "I'm sick of the rituals. They aren't feeding my soul." 

The truth is, only in a few rare churches will the Holy Spirit be allowed to come. I am looking for that church. That's the one for me. The one where there's no routine. Just a gathering of people loving Christ and looking to worship Him and when He comes to inhabit the praises of His people, He's allowed to come! But I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off looking and bouncing from service to service. Why not Kell? Because, I'm not putting myself through the disappointment when it turns out to be another dead church.

I love the book of Isaiah!! It's my book. God wrote it for me (and others seeking this particular message). I especially love chapter 58, even though it never seems to be recognized for the truth contained therein. "Is not this the fast that I have chosen?" Isa. 58:6. And He, God, tells us what is an acceptable fast unto Him..."to loose the bands of wickedness, TO UNDO THE HEAVY BURDENS, and to LET THE OPPRESSED GO FREE, and that you BREAK EVERY YOKE." vs. 6. "...to deal your bread to the hungry and bring the poor that are cast out to your house, when you see the naked, you cover him and that you don't hide yourself from your own flesh." vs.7. It says a few more things but I want to skip down to verse 13 which speaks of the sabbath day. Let me tell you what God does NOT say, "go to church." Listen to what he DOES say, "If you turn your foot from the sabbath, from DOING YOUR PLEASURE on my holy day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy of the Lord, honorable; and shall honor Him, not doing your own ways, nor finding your own pleasure, nor speaking your own words:" and then vs. 14 says, "THEN, shall you delight yourself in the Lord and I will cause you to ride upon the high places of the earth..."

Guess what? That does not mean if you'll make it a habit to go somewhere particular because it's labeled as a godly place to be on a particular day, then I'll accept you and love you. No, in fact, in means just what it says, "if your true heartfelt desire is to be with me on this day instead of in the world doing what you want to do, if you'll extend yourself beyond your own universe to see me and the love I want to share with you, if I become your breath and heartbeat for just a day, then..."

It's important to note that He's looking for our efforts and desires to honor Him. He's not looking for some church doctrine to tell us what to do, and we obey faithfully so as to earn our brownie points. If this is all He had for me then I'd be following all the other robots to church and telling myself that I'm a good Christian and this is how I prove it. I'm not like that in my soul. I know He deserves more than my obedience to church rituals and doctrines. He deserves my all, and my all goes deeper than the surface acts I can perform for others to see.

I've never been more alive than when pouring out of myself to a needy soul. My idea of clothing the naked is wrapping my arms around them or my kind words and taking away their vulnerability with my limited human efforts but letting His infinite love flow through me to complete the job. My idea of feeding the hungry is telling them there's a love greater than any a man or woman can give them and sharing the love of Jesus with them. For truly, the hunger of the soul is the most ravenous.

May be this is what God has for me in particular. I'm not trying to convince the world that church is bad or that people should quit going. Absolutely not!! I'm trying to say that we owe Him more than our presence in church and that being there doesn't make us righteous. I'm trying to say that if you're not alive while in church then may be you're denying the true ministry God has for you.

Thursday, February 16, 2012


First thing is first and that is, you have to read the last post before this one to see the way God is responding to my prayers, questions, and actions.  (Well, you don't HAVE to, you can choose to.)

So, here I am, on this journey to break free from religious bondage and God sends not one, but 2 messages to me within a short period of time. The first is the video I've posted entitled "David." Pastor, Jonathan Wiggins, says things about people worshiping God in truth and Spirit as in, "just being." Not the "faithful church attendance show" that people put on. And the second message is the video of Jefferson Bethke who says it in a slight rap but I couldn't have said it better. 

It's like God is telling people (or at least myself) that the church is failing and we must break free and put it right!! I don't know how God feels about people who go to church every Sunday and demonstrate a kind of faithfulness. I don't know if He counts this to their charge. But I know I can't live inside of that box and still feel like I truly worship and serve Him the way He says to. 

God doesn't judge me. He doesn't tell me He loves me but then leaves me alone to fend for myself through my trials.

I knew I wasn't that far off the track when I broke free from the church. I'm sure that millions of "Christians" would rebuke me and call me "back slider," but I rebuke you and call you "hypocrite."

Too many times have I been told, in the midst of a trial, "Go and be blessed." But that's something the Lord spoke out against. Don't tell your neighbor to go and come later and you'll give. Give at that moment. Don't tell your brother/sister to go away and expect them to be blessed by your telling them to be. We have to be that blessing to them.

I question everything!! The doctrines, the attitudes, the church!! I won't be moved from serving God in truth and in righteousness. I won't become a part of the scenery. I won't conform and be blended so as to become a religious pharisee!!

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." James 1:27.

Sunday, February 12, 2012


I'm expounding on the last few posts wherein I talk about feeling like religion has been smothering me. I want to go back to the start and regain some awareness of God and less of man and their teachings. I've been so confused and so unhappy with the constant religious environments. Get up on Sunday, go to church, go home, get up on Sunday, go to church, go home. It began to seem like there's something more. I began to question my reasons for attending church. There's value in it but I also have come to realize that it's not how God expects us to love, cherish, honor, or serve Him. My relationship with Jesus Christ is not contingent upon my faithful church attendance and the reason it isn't is because if that was the rule, then people bed-ridden would have no hope of a relationship with Him since they can't leave their beds. So, I've started the process of ridding my life of the religion, ceremony, and tradition that the church has burdened me with. Wear this, talk like that, pray 3 times a day, bow your head, cross your hands, hit your knees, don't make a mistake, don't act human, be a religious femme-bot. No more. So, this morning I stayed home and watched a sermon in Colorado online. I'm posting that sermon here. Here is what God said to me in the midst of my struggle, if you care to know. He's there, He hears, He understands, and if you seek, you WILL find!!

NOTE: This guy is so funny, it's an added bonus to this sermon. He's clearly operating in the Spirit of God and peppers his sermon with funny little commentaries and antics. It makes for an enjoyable experience. I hope you enjoy the sermon as well. He's talking about the 23rd Psalm and King David as it all relates to us. "The Lord is my Shepherd..." Remember you'll need to scroll to the bottom and click "mute" on the playlist.

P.S. I think my fish should be pigs the way they scarf down their little kibbles!!  

Sunday, February 5, 2012


God is like the rain that falls on dry and parched desert lands. One minute you can be so dry and in desperate need of refreshing. The next thing you know He's raining down on you. It's life-giving for the soul. I picture my heart to be like a rock sometimes when suddenly, pieces of it begin to crumble away to expose the rhythm of a heartbeat. The life breaks forth. But if we don't stay connected to God and flow through life with Him, that desert land will remain dry and dusty and abandoned. A place where nothing can grow and no one wants to go to. God is the rain that brings the life. The life that sustains is brought by the rains. That which is brought by the rains and sustains the life is needful and can't be forgotten. One can't forget that their life needs to be sustained. He's with me all the time. But sometimes, I don't honor that presence. That's when I begin to become parched. My life begins to resemble a dry lake bed. Cracked, flat, nothing green for miles. But then I realize "with Whom we have to do." And I turn my face to Him, and He sends the life (the rains). And once again..I bloom!!

Thursday, February 2, 2012


Let me start by saying, I have no idea why my last post and possibly this one have all that space after them. I didn't put that there and I don't like it. It looks like crap. Did you know that you'll get flagged on your local news web page if you use the word "crap" in your comments? ugh. (eyes rolling)

As we know, I've been in a bit of a struggle lately with the church and my attendance and feelings of fear and worry and concern after having left my last church, as I journey through life and figure out where my "place" is.

I was reading Isaiah this morning and God showed me that I'm still ok. I could be better though. As soon as I get back into a good church I think I'll be better.

For now, however, He's speaking to me and encouraging me gently along. In no way am I on the mountain but I'm not in the deepest valley either. Isaiah 34:16 tells me "Seek ye out of the book of the Lord and read: no one of these shall fail....my mouth it hath commanded, and his spirit it hath gathered them." Then over in the 35th chpt and verse 3 He encouraged me in saying, "Strenghthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees." vs. 4, "Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with recompense; He will come and save you."

I've also sought word about my living arrangements wherein I've lived in my home for 8 yrs in August and have dealt with A LOT of nonsense from my landlord, including her son tapping into my electricity without asking or ever speaking to me at all. They are currently stealing electricity from me and funneling it into the trailer above me (I live on the mountainside). In Isaiah 36:16, He tells me "eat ye everyone of his vine, and every one of his fig tree, and drink ye every one the waters of his own cistern; until I come and take you away to a land like your own land,..." HALLELUJAH thank you Jesus for that word. Hey people friends! I just found that word as I was typing, but the main thing is that I just asked Him for that word last night!!! I said, "Lord, I can't take much more of this burden and if I don't hear something from you soon, I'm afraid I'm gonna go over the edge and take matters into my own hands and get me out of here!!"

That's not even the scripture I was gonna put there!! I was trying to find somewhere in the 34th or 35th chapters where it said, "I have established you and will keep those who obey my commandments." (paraphrased).

Thank you Jesus for rescuing my broken spirit and giving me a word and encouragement and peace for now!! Glory to God He knows me so well!! I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!