Well, it's been a few months since I started anti-depressants. While my feelings about suicide have gotten better and I rarely consider killing myself as I did before, I can't lie and say that I'm better and I feel like life is worth living for the first time in years.
Living with depression is life long, it doesn't get better and I've never been healed from it. I have good moments in life wherein I'm feeling okay in that moment and the depression is masked a bit, but it's always there, lurking beneath the surface. My thoughts are frequently drawn to the negative things in life and it's a constant struggle to stay on top of it. I'm battling, that's the word I was looking for. For the first time in my 45 years of life, I understand now that I'm fighting to stay alive.
I was contemplating suicide a lot when I first started this blog. I have the joy of the Lord and that's my strength and He's never failed me when I cry out to Him, but I believe He would understand if I lost this battle. He knows there are some things that I just can't endure. The prayer and the medication is helping but it's not fixing this. I abhor life just as much today as I ever have. I still lack the desire to be here. I still hate this world. With all the love I have for God, I have the same amount of hatred for this world.
Let me make this clear, IF someone reads this and feels compelled to speak to me....I'm not in need of a shoulder to cry on, I'm not that weak. I don't need to be reminded of all the beauty in the world yet to be seen, I'm not that blind. I don't need to be encouraged to remain alive for my kids and those who care about me, I'm not that selfish. This is depression alone and fortunately for me, it's not depression coupled with selfishness. If I've lived this long, I'm sure I'll survive the last years and go when God comes for me.
It's strange that after 45 years of depression, I'm no closer to understanding me than I ever was. I'm a two year student of Psychology and I'm still no closer to solving my own mental issues than I was 10 years ago or 15 years ago. It's like depression is a cruel secret being kept within one's own mind and it can't be known.
Here's what I want to say, when I die I forbid mourning. I forbid sadness. I absolutely forbid anyone to hang their head and click their tongues as if to say, "what a tragedy, what a sad sad tragedy." I prefer it to be said, "Finally free, praise God, she's finally free". That's what death is, it's a release, it's freedom. I'm in a cage within myself. I'm trapped in this mind. I can't find the way out and it's dark in here. All of the light that I can find is artificial and the bulb is dim. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that when I'm dead, I'm going to finally see the brightest lights, the sharpest colors, feel a perfect breeze, understand the language of the birds, smell every single fragrance individually and at once, hear every note of every song played on every heavenly instrument but with perfect tone and timing and my soul will sing along with it. So, since this is what I believe will become of me, there's no reason for there to be any sadness. Why be sad if you know that someone is truly in that proverbial better place?
Great! Then it's settled.
Living with depression is life long, it doesn't get better and I've never been healed from it. I have good moments in life wherein I'm feeling okay in that moment and the depression is masked a bit, but it's always there, lurking beneath the surface. My thoughts are frequently drawn to the negative things in life and it's a constant struggle to stay on top of it. I'm battling, that's the word I was looking for. For the first time in my 45 years of life, I understand now that I'm fighting to stay alive.
I was contemplating suicide a lot when I first started this blog. I have the joy of the Lord and that's my strength and He's never failed me when I cry out to Him, but I believe He would understand if I lost this battle. He knows there are some things that I just can't endure. The prayer and the medication is helping but it's not fixing this. I abhor life just as much today as I ever have. I still lack the desire to be here. I still hate this world. With all the love I have for God, I have the same amount of hatred for this world.
Let me make this clear, IF someone reads this and feels compelled to speak to me....I'm not in need of a shoulder to cry on, I'm not that weak. I don't need to be reminded of all the beauty in the world yet to be seen, I'm not that blind. I don't need to be encouraged to remain alive for my kids and those who care about me, I'm not that selfish. This is depression alone and fortunately for me, it's not depression coupled with selfishness. If I've lived this long, I'm sure I'll survive the last years and go when God comes for me.
It's strange that after 45 years of depression, I'm no closer to understanding me than I ever was. I'm a two year student of Psychology and I'm still no closer to solving my own mental issues than I was 10 years ago or 15 years ago. It's like depression is a cruel secret being kept within one's own mind and it can't be known.
Here's what I want to say, when I die I forbid mourning. I forbid sadness. I absolutely forbid anyone to hang their head and click their tongues as if to say, "what a tragedy, what a sad sad tragedy." I prefer it to be said, "Finally free, praise God, she's finally free". That's what death is, it's a release, it's freedom. I'm in a cage within myself. I'm trapped in this mind. I can't find the way out and it's dark in here. All of the light that I can find is artificial and the bulb is dim. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that when I'm dead, I'm going to finally see the brightest lights, the sharpest colors, feel a perfect breeze, understand the language of the birds, smell every single fragrance individually and at once, hear every note of every song played on every heavenly instrument but with perfect tone and timing and my soul will sing along with it. So, since this is what I believe will become of me, there's no reason for there to be any sadness. Why be sad if you know that someone is truly in that proverbial better place?
Great! Then it's settled.
