We all have a choice to believe in something, I choose to believe in God!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012


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I'll start with a link to a video from ABC news showing some of the devastation caused by Hurricane Sandy here in the U.S.. You can click if you like and get an idea of what has just happened to these folks and why it's called a "A once in a lifetime storm" . This is New York City and flooding just doesn't occur here.

We can never understand the fear and devastation unless we go through it. It's becoming a common occurrence to see what we go through because of weather patterns, patterns that are being blamed on global warming. We've brought a lot of this on ourselves by being careless and apathetic to the destruction of the earth. We've over-mined, killed, stripped, and polluted. It's hardly impossible that we won't suffer the consequences of decades of this behavior. If "Mother Nature" were a real entity she would have been warning us long ago that these days were ahead of us. Let's just see it with eyes wide open and realize that it's our own doing/undoing but it's not all doom and gloom. We can reverse it or at least lessen the things we do now to destroy. There are so many things we do as a species to hurt the planet for things we can live without. We can live without diamonds on our hands. If the rich would stop buying them, then the mining that's being done would go to serve a purpose for technology but if we'd stop needing the biggest and the most expensive then the technology needed would be for those things which sustain life instead of making it convenient. We are a selfish and greedy lot, humans.

I didn't mean to get off on a tangent about pollution and foolish greed but it's hard to look at the way things are going and not see the book of Revelation coming to pass. All religion aside however, the base thing is that people survived because God is gracious. He didn't make this happen but He's always in the midst of it all. This could have been so much worse. Buildings could have crumbled and the death toll could have risen far above that of September 11th. It could always be worse. But since it isn't, I thank God for what happened and the way it did. And let us remember that Paul encouraged us to count it a blessing when we're in trials. He saw the value in it and I do too. We just come together during these times and help one another as best we can. We find things in ourselves and capabilities we didn't know we had. We're never better than when we're showing love for others in need.

All in all, this was a horrendous hurricane with widespread damage and destruction but it wasn't the end of us and we'll rebuild. My thoughts are with those who have to face the rebuilding of their homes and lives or those who will have to face unscrupulous contractors who can smell the insurance money a mile away. They will most assuredly come out of the wood work with promises of quality labor at an affordable price only to take thousands for materials up front and run. That's what they did to those after Katrina so it's to be expected here as well. Storms like this bring out the worst and the best of us.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for those you saved alive, those who are with their families tonight and the many pets that you have found a safe shelter for. Thank you for the healthcare providers and first responders who worked tirelessly through the storm to patch up the injured and keep others from being injured. Thank you that this storm was not worse and that you'll be with us every step of the way as we rebuild. All things are possible with you Father! To you be the glory for all the good that will come from this! -Amen

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Saturday, October 27, 2012


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Hi y'all,

I just wanted to stop in and touch base a little since I haven't blogged in the last couple of weeks. School is a priority right now and there's little time for thinking outside of the box.

On a happy note, I'm healthy and happy and the Lord continues to reveal His grace and mercies in a myriad of ways daily. The fact that my old car starts and has gotten me to every class and every important appointment is a miracle of His hand. The fact that I am still mobile after such a harsh physical punishment to my body over the years is a miracle. The fact that the friends I have are so awesome (in real life and the blogosphere) is a miracle.

My children are healthy and happy. My grandson is healthy and already walking before his first birthday. Those little cautious steps where he just stands there and balances while carefully weighing his options before deciding to take the step is one of the most beautiful and adorable things I've ever seen. He's the light of my life these days.

One of the most wonderful experiences I've had in the last few weeks is the revelation that God loves me for being true to myself and genuine before His beloved face. He has no doubt that I am as transparent as can be. How do I know I am? Because the things I tell Him, no man would except me for. I can tell Him the things that shame me the most. The things I wish I could hide from even myself. He loves that about me and I can sense His good pleasure in me because instead of feeling lowly and ashamed for my confessions, I feel free and elated. It's as if He just pats me on the back and says, "there there daughter, I love you anyway...I understand and we'll sort this out together." You know the thing I'm talking about, right?...that agape love that leaves you knowing you're loved unconditionally, as well as being loved in a way that no human being can ever love you.

Hence, and heretofore, I declare peace and joy is here with me in the form of the Lord in Spirit and He sends great love to you all! See you soon!

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Monday, October 8, 2012


Oh my gosh!!! Guess who this post is going to be about? Jehovah's witnesses....I know I know....calm down! I felt the same shock when I realized it. Of course my shock was much greater than yours since mine happened when I peeled back the front door curtain to see them standing on my porch...early in the morning....waking me up! There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. It was too late. They had spotted me like a lion spots a meal in the African bush. Nothing but dry parched flat land to lope across in a desperate attempt to escape! At least in Africa the meal has some bushes to dart in and out of in an attempt to save it's own life. For me, there's no hope accept to face this beast eye to eye. So here's what I did....ready for this.....I told them to come back later! (chuckle now, it's okay).

Seriously though, I had no options but to ask them to leave because they woke me and I was kind enough to spare them my wrath. I told my friend, Sateigdra of "Fact, Fiction, and Faith! " this horror story in another blog post comment but it's good enough for us all. After all, we are brothers and sisters in Christ and Father says y'all gotta whine with me.....okay...He says, "bear ye one another's burdens," but it's the same thing.

So, if you're interested, the first blog post about their visits is down in the stack somewhere but not too far because the first visit was the beginning of this past spring and fall is setting in. Then on this page their last visit is chronicled before this one. So, this is an unfolding story. I'll try to make it quick. 

I met Ben and his friends. He's very young. In retrospect I believe he was a trainee in the field when I met him with an elder on my porch. He came back many times bringing another young person with him, always lovely young women, and the last visit he brought an older woman...very robust and confident of her facts. Enough to debate me at every turn and tax my patience with it. The last time they visited, I gave Ben my phone number and in her presence asked him to use it to call ahead because their constant uninvited visits were becoming annoying and consuming my time. I was trying to be nice. But Mr. Ben gave my phone number to that woman at some juncture after they left here that day. She called me before her visit and asked when would be a good time to come and visit with me. I was in bed so I didn't answer that call. So guess what she did? Yep! She showed up anyway and woke me up. I am a student and I study into the wee hours. It's 4:30 a.m. right now and I have only just put my math book down. When I go to bed, I do not want to be woke.

Here's where the story ends, as I simply pulled the curtain back and found her...that woman. So, I simply told her to come back some other time because she had woke me up. I didn't even bother to open the door.

Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to have to do that to someone? I'm not that kind of person. As we see, the reason they return is because I'm cordial and hospitable. But now, they've blown it. Ben handing my number off without my consent is unacceptable. Her calling but getting no reply and showing up anyway is unacceptable. It's time that I act! Lord give me the strength to break their tiny little thread, thereby cutting them loose. And may You be with all of their victims.

Thursday, October 4, 2012


Sadness is to be expected. I have a hard time with that. I have a hard time knowing if this sadness is part of the depression I have, or my lot in life. The Bible mentions one's lot and so I tend to wonder about it often. Did God set this pace for me before I was born? Did He have other plans for me but my mother's emotional unavailability caused me to grow up to become this? I know that all things will be revealed someday but I sure could use some answers now.

Most people are able to cope with the slightest anxiety or disruption to their joy. I, on the other hand, have a time with it beyond what I can endure sometimes. An example would be the week I took a math quiz and found out upon completing it that I had added all of my polynomials instead of multiplying them. Hence, I made a 70 which is way below my ability and it caused me so much stress and anxiety that I burst into tears in front of my entire class. I couldn't cope with the thought of not getting that "A" which I had studied all week for. I see other students fail and they just give a hardy "darn". Why can't I just say "darn"?

This blog post will be my vent. I'll pour out here for no reason except that it's my blog and I can say whatever I want. I want to say this. I want to say that I'm sad. A lot. Deep in my soul is a light that God has placed in me, but I can't reach it whenever I want, and when I do it's only briefly. Is everyone else like that? Does anyone else feel like sadness plagues them more than their joy? If not, how? How do you be happy all the time? What do you say to yourself to make yourself happy? Do you tell yourself that all is well all the time or, do you convince yourself that nothing really matters because it's not in our hands anyway? 

Lately, my prayers don't get past the ceiling. I say them but they're not warm and full of love and light. I feel like I say them to try to get God to hear me but they don't turn His head. I'm struggling today to feel warmth and light. I'm just mad at so many things going wrong and I'm so confused because, it's been this way for me all my life. I've never been wealthy. I've never had things in life handed to me. It's never seemed easy. My children worry me, I've lost two grandsons (one to murder and one due to his mother leaving the state with him). The only man I ever loved has left this world and I am alone in it. Is this called "woe is me"? I just want to know where the trials and tribulations end and the depression begins because it all blends together. I wish I could explain depression to someone who doesn't have it but wishes they understood. It's like being on one end of the spectrum or the other at the drop of a hat. One tiny thing can push the depressed person over into sadness, so imagine what many things happening at once can do. Most of the time I just put one foot in front of the other and trust the Lord. He hasn't failed me and I have to tell the world that. This isn't God abandoning me. I see that He holds my hand and carries me a lot. I know He's with me or I would have left this life behind a long time ago.

I think this is the fire we all must be tried in, the oven that gets so hot sometimes we cry out and tell the Lord that we can't take anymore. Everyone has to be tried and go through their process of refinement. Those of you who are in tune with the Lord will understand what I mean and how that process works. He never gives us more than we can bear. This is the absolute truth because I've cried out to Him many times that I couldn't stand anymore suffering. Suddenly, without warning, the "heat" would be turned down, or the door cracks and is slightly ajar in the oven of life and the "heat" escapes. I am able to see beyond the flames and there standing on the other side is the Lord and He's waiting to greet me when I come through. But He's there nonetheless. He hasn't just shoved us into the situation and left us there to burn to our spiritual death. He knows it's hard, and even harder for some than others. He knows how high the "heat" should be and He knows how long we need to be in it in order for us to become something better than we were. When I fight through a situation I find myself feeling sometimes devastated and completely without control. I feel frustrated and fed up and many times, as depression dictates, I cry for the time to end. Now, for those of you who want to tell me that I'm not supposed to accept depression and it's not God's will, and all of those nice thoughts about a perfect life, I have to disagree with that. There is great worth and value in these things no matter how confusing they may be. God is able to be glorified through the very things that some preachers are telling people aren't supposed to be happening. But I say yes, they are supposed to be happening, for His glory! What kind of diamond doesn't go through the process to become beautiful, cut, and with exact clarity? What kind of stone doesn't get polished before it's set where it will be beautiful to behold? What kind of instrument sounds sweet in it's holding case instead of in the hands of the master who plays it with skill? We weren't meant to sit here in perfection and live the good life without these things, for that would serve to change nothing.

The world understands sadness and God understands us. While I love the faith of a Pentecostal church as they lay hands on one another and receive miracles, the truth is that we're not meant to live a life that doesn't include the trials and tribulations. While I admire any and all faith-filled brothers and sisters, I see nothing in the Bible that backs up the preaching that it's "not God's will that we should have trials and tribulations...it's not from God." I see that it plainly tells us that "In this world, ye shall have trials and tribulations but be of good cheer for I have over come the world." I see all evidence of that. Small miracles happen all of the time and I can't deny the fact that they're too wonderful and miraculous to be random coincidence. 

As the world travails, the Lord prepares His arrival. We see that the end of times is upon us. One can hardly deny the things happening line up with the Scriptures. I worry incessantly that I'm not prepared. That I'm wrong to assume God's grace is the place to cast my shortcomings and that I should be as pious as possible and work for it. Even though that goes against everything I believe I read in the scriptures, there's still a little voice (which could be the enemy drawing me off the path of truth) telling me to "be better". I tell you that I'm as good as I get unless the Lord works a miracle.

A miracle has already occurred. While I was typing this post, I wept. I felt overwhelming sadness. I thought of my sisters in Christ that come to my blog and always leave a faith-filled comment, Sateigdra, Brenda, and Monica. I thought of these ladies and the more I typed and thought of them the more warmth and light I began to feel. As I sit and type out the end of this post, I feel so much better, as if the three of them have surrounded me with God's love. See, God already made the way for this moment by bringing those three faith-filled women into my life. I know that they'll each have a powerful word of hope, faith, and love to share with me and the world in their comments (God-willing that they're able) and I feel it already. God was here, just like I said He was. I came through this moment of refinement where I began by feeling hopeless, and now I've learned something completely new. If you know someone faith-filled, sometimes that's enough to give peace. I know that I'm not alone.(◡‿◡✿)