WHAT DOES EVIL FEEL LIKE?

What does evil feel like? It feels icky and ugly. It leaves a residue behind like glue or resin. It sticks to you and leaves you shaken and unwell. It leaves you confused and feeling doubt. The difference between the evils of my youth and the present day evils is that I know what it is now.


I had an incident this morning with two individuals in a conversation. I'm not yet sure if these two people knew each other but they certainly joined forces readily. What came of the conversation left me shaken to the core, ruined my day, and made me so sad. It was a typical conversation that anyone might have of politics and things happening in America that aren't what makes this country great. But they did not agree with my views at all. I'm not surprised and am used to that.


In a nutshell I said that border patrol agents should treat human beings like human beings whether they are illegal immigrants or not. The words I started my statement with were, "abuse by border patrol agents is rampant..." and that was all it took to launch this lady at me like a rocket. I tried desperately and respectfully to reason with her but she seemed to want to dance around the issue of humanitarian respect and tell me how I should do more research and that I was "spouting off." This is a person that had previously called herself my friend and even referred to herself and I as friends when another individual "came to my rescue." Then her friend chimed in on her behalf and it just felt like a complete piranha attack. I tried to keep steering the conversation to the issue of humanitarian respect, but she then accused me of hiding behind that to attack our border patrol agents. Long story short, I eventually saw the devil. It took a few minutes of defending myself and feeling a bit blind-sided but I finally began to see him in this.


So, what does evil feel like? It feels just like the enemy works to make it feel. You feel totally confused during the attack. You can't make sense of what's being said or done to you. You can't wrap your mind around why this individual is so angry at you and unwilling to compromise or be reasonable. You can't understand where this anger is coming from and why it's coming from your "friend" and greater still is the confusion as to why it's aimed at you. But you know one thing for sure...this is not God. God is not in these people. So, I had to make a snap decision and base it on my faith and peace. I had to tell her that I respected her opinion and was going to remain in respect of her opinion, even though it was clear that she didn't care about me, my opinions, my love for human beings (the issue at hand), or whether I gave her respect. She seemed to only soften a bit when my reaction was pleasant but it still didn't shut her down. She was determined to fire off rapidly at me and be as rude and nasty as possible. I was in awe of the evil and darkness. I could have touched it because it was tangible.


I'm not writing this to give the devil glory. I'm writing this to tell you what evil feels like and to share with you that this is my idea of the real world. Every day we may be faced with a choice to be just like that person and mistreat them in retaliation or we can remember from where we came and call on the Lord for grace and show a level of peace, light, and love that can squelch the evil. I carried that with me throughout this day and as you can see, it's still profoundly with me. Evil affects me deeply. I am unable to pretend like it didn't happen or I didn't feel anything. I did feel something. I felt confused, icky, darkness, something I don't want to feel again.


I also felt the hand of God reach into the situation and pull me out. He remained strong within me, gave me grace to speak with, and sent an angel to defend me. God knew right where I was at that moment. My spiritual eyes could see Him hearing my heart's cries. It's like seeing a father at the park with his child and his back to the play area. Imagine him hearing his child get hurt and start crying. Imagine that father spinning around in response to the sound of his child in distress and then bolting over to sweep the child into safety and a loving embrace. That's my God :)

THE INTERCEDING SPIRIT

I posted the previous post without glorifying God for something! I should have skipped straight to the glorifying and left off the worrying part. Here's the story:


I got this letter in the mailbox from my landlord of 8 years that is asking for $50 more on the rent. This was a devastating blow to me for all kinds of reasons. Seems a bit trivial to some folks but when you've struggled as I have and struggled with the same landlord all these years, the whole thing takes on a greater significance and trauma.


I came in the house, just crumbled onto the floor (before the Lord), and wept sore. I poured my heart out to Him as best I could but my thoughts were so mixed up that I couldn't express myself. I just couldn't find the words to tell Him how I felt about it or to even ask how to feel. I just sobbed and babbled along about it in some form of broken English. I was okay with that however, because the Bible tells us that, "....the Spirit likewise helps in our infirmities; for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Romans 8:26. I knew in my soul that the Holy Spirit would take over for me, so I just opened my mouth and let my heart's words flow the best I could.


Mind you, my thoughts were all in a jumbled manner. I couldn't think enough to pray. I was distraught, worried, confused, angry, and so many other emotions were boiling to the surface regarding this landlord person I've dealt with all these years. This was another "incident" with her. 


My point however, is that suddenly from down on the floor, where my sobbing face was, I heard the Lord speak to my spirit and tell me to get my Bible. I obeyed. I said, "where Lord?" That's all I could say and He said, "Psalms." I went there. 


Now, my Bible is like anyone else's, marked all up. Prominent verses are underlined in bright pink and easily seen. Suddenly, my eyes are falling on every single underlined verse, but the miracle of it is that each verse came together, despite being so far from one another, to form one solid statement! "I am with you daughter, I love you and you're going to be okay. Don't worry." Suddenly, all of that fear, doubt, and confusion lifted off of me like a huge weight drawn up from a crane above me. I had a great wave of peace wash over me and my thoughts lined right up! I went from having the feeling that "I don't know anything right now" to "I know." I knew I was going to be okay because God heard my heart crying out to Him. He was going to show me the way, and that way would be right and good for me.


The biggest part of the whole thing is that I knew the Holy Spirit would intercede. I knew He would talk to the Father and sort it out. I knew I was in good hands. I always am.

WASHED OUT TO SEA...

I feel like I was rowing on an angry sea in a tiny dinghy and could see the shore and just as I made it past the strongest currents and dangerous reef, a giant wave hits and pushes me back out to sea.

This may seem trivial to some, but I must tell the tale because it's my trial and there has to be resolve at the end of this. I told  Annemarie Pipa that I agreed with her that chronicling such trials in our lives is a good thing. To me, it's a way of showing how the Lord brings us out. 

Every trial I face has an ending. Every time I've cried out to the Lord, He's rescued me. I can very much whine about the way I'll be having to find resolve in this particular issue, but it's one of those times where you know you have to take it for what it is and deal with it the best you can, with God's guidance and help. What I want for myself and what He has planned are often two different things. I might be surprised at how this actually pans out, but for right now, I'm scared and worried.

Here's the problem in a nutshell, my rent went up. I can't afford another dollar to go out of my budget. I can't afford to move nor afford to pay her more money.

Without giving too much detail and information, let's just say two things need to happen for me. One, I need to know the right time to talk to her about this and the courage to do so. Two, I'll need her heart to soften towards me as I offer her half of what she's asking as an increase. Her compassion, mercy, and understanding will need to be the thing I rely on the most. Meaning, Lord please speak to her heart on the day I go to discuss this with her and tell me when that moment is. May I go in courage and peace. Please pray for me.

...UP FROM THE MIRE

I'm moving forward with the good news. My previous posts have eluded to some difficulties in my life, and in particular, "the pickle" I was in. Well, the "pickle problem" is resolved as well as all the others, in their entirety and completely! I can give myself none of the glory for I have no idea how these things resolved themselves. I can't say I did anything to resolve them other than feel the compelling of the Holy Spirit to guide me to the places I should go to in order to get the resolve I needed. If I was without the Lord, would I have been able to do as well?

Which brings me to how I see myself in this situation. I see myself as Jeremiah was when they threw him into the dungeon and he sunk in the mire. (Jeremiah chpt 38). First was the help that was compelled to him in Jeremiah 38:9. Then was the command given by order of the King (in my mind it's the Lord) in verse 10 and the King commands that it be done, "....before he die.." It was a command to take 30 men (isn't that the same number assigned to the pieces of silver that Judas betrayed Jesus for? hm). And then the most interesting thing is that they didn't just throw down a rope, but fashioned something comfortable for him to put under his arms so as to free him without harming him, in verse 11.

Isn't that just like the Lord in a situation? He sends more than enough help, sends it before you can't take anymore and you think it's over (in the dramatic proverbial way), and then the release from the mire you've sunk in is rather comfortable as he gently pulls you out. That's the God I know. I give Him all glory for hearing my cries from the dungeon of my life. I give Him all praise for seeing me worthy of rescue. I give Him all thanks for gently pulling me free and setting me in a safe place where there's hope.

ONE STEP FORWARD

I feel it's always our responsibility to share the good news of what God does in our lives after we've wept about the things that went wrong.

Some of the issues I was facing during the previous post have been resolved but not all. I'm still in that pickle that I'm not sure I'll get out of. With that, I'm trying to see all the blessings that can be in it. There are some, but when I think about the situation, I just take a deep breath and let it out in a kind of exasperated way. I'm not the only one with troubles but may be I tend to see mine more than others do. I was diagnosed early in life with clinical depression and I read once that people with depression have an uncontrollable tendency to be drawn to the negative things in life instead of the positive. I find myself working against that quite a bit so it must be true.

Despite all of that, life isn't over yet and I have work to do. I forge ahead knowing that God has always been with me and will always be.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?"..."For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35,38,39