peace of iona (by Mike Scott, Waterboys) performed by the light acoustic...

Family

I don't know how it is in the lives of others but in my life, it's family that hurts me the most. May be because they know that I'll still stick around no matter how mean they are to me.

WHAT WE ALL DEAL WITH

I'd like to think that every single person is tormented by something so that when heaven comes, we all have the fullest gratitude possible.

Bubble Butt Corgi Twerk

TRAITS OF AN EMPATH

All my life I've wondered why it is that I feel my energy drain away around certain people. I've wondered how it is that I can tell when someone is lying to me no matter who they are and if I've even known them long. I've always wondered if being a good listener is an attribute that came from conditioning or is this a gift of mine. There's so much about me (and others like me) that sets me apart. Everyone has their talents and there's nothing about me that's above anyone else, but there's a lot about me that's particularly different from most others. 

I'm learning through therapy to seize the moment and live in it as it comes. I'm learning that it's okay to tune into who I am and not be ashamed to tout myself as being the great person I am. I'm learning that it's society that teaches prejudice, not God and not my genetics and therefore being prejudice against myself for saying, "I'm unique and special" isn't what I'm supposed to do but rather that's what society teaches us. It teaches us to hate ourselves, don't embrace yourself or you're considered a braggart. I'm no braggart but I'm unique, special, and I know now what it is about me that sets me apart. I'm an empath. You can also think of people with my abilities as "sensitive." I've always felt overly or hyper-sensitive to others energies. This explains it so well:

Empaths are often quiet and can take a while to handle a compliment for they're more inclined to point out another's positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times, quite frankly in respect to themselves. They may have few problems talking about their feelings. [This is so true about myself, I hate compliments, they make me uncomfortable and I don't like being the focus of someone's attention].

However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at blocking out others and that's not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings. [I deal with the 'barrage of emotions from others' in that I feel your emotions in a deep way, it's almost tiring to sense other people].

Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavor to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly. [This fits in with my absolute hatred of being near my daughter-in-law when she has to discipline my grandson, that energy and confrontation is too much for me to bear].

Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and will have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another's ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see. [When I was a little girl, I lost all sense of myself once when watching a baby sea lion get clubbed to death on a nature show...I ran upstairs sobbing uncontrollably while the rest of my 6-member family just stared incredulously at me, they just didn't understand what the problem was].

People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet! They are like beacons of light. [...which is why I tire so easily around people. They want me near them, they enjoy me and draw to my energy but this can drain me. I find people enjoying my company a lot but I never thought it was because of my empathic sensitivities].

Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding. [This explains why the first day of seeing my Psychiatrist, he ended up telling me his entire life story and didn't talk about me one bit, which was okay with me and still is].

Here are the listeners of life. Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one--if only for peace of mind. [I just told an old high school friend that I'm a problem-solver and I don't mind living alone for that reason, I can solve any problem that arises].

That's about the size of it. I know now that I'm an empath and it explains everything. If you're an empath, you'll know it.

GRANDPARENTHOOD IS DA BOMB

I learned that being a grandparent is one of the greatest gifts our children can give us. My family is fractured, broken, lost, dispersed, disjointed, and generally wackadoo. We don't know how to get along, everyone is yacking about everyone else and someone is constantly doing something that makes the rest of us wonder how we could be related.

That being said, I can't honestly say bringing more babies into this family is always the most wise thing to do but I'm happy as a lark nonetheless. This picture is of Liam when he was a couple of months old. He's two years old now. Every time I look at this, I feel that warmth come over me and want to kiss his little chubby cheeks.

No matter what kind of family you have, there's a future generation coming along and there's always hope in them.

DON'T FEED THE TROLLS

I've been having problems with internet trolls. The advice that everyone gives is always the same, they tell me, "don't feed the trolls." I say that each troll is a person and each person has feelings for the most part. While I'd like to simply ignore them, I can't help but try to understand them.

What drives a person to be mean, rude, and nasty to people they've never even met? That's a question with an in depth answer so I won't try to break that down. All I'm saying is that trolls are people too and a lot of the time they have pain and sorrow and they don't know how to channel it.

I will say this, if you're an internet troll, you could try just telling someone that you have pain in your heart. The answer isn't always to project your pain and suffering onto someone else! Try finding that total stranger you wish to prey upon and tell them that you're a broken man or woman and see if you can elicit sympathy and understanding instead of going from post to post and person to person getting yourself blocked and leaving the first impression as the very worst one possible. It's easy to do and most people would rather you tell them you hurt rather than expressing it in the form of rage and anger that is improperly directed at strangers. It's not our fault you hurt but give some of us a chance to help you. You'd be surprised how many people will actually relate to you for it. The only alternative is being the troll. You don't have to be a troll when you're really a human being.

MY TOE HURTS

It's the strangest anomaly. My doctor has started me on Abilify and I've developed a Tourette's type of tick in my pinkey toes (or 'pinkle' toes as my grandson says). I can't stop stretching my toes out and apart and my feet are actually starting to hurt from it. Ugh.

I'M SLOW AT CHANGE

Although I can handle change, it takes me awhile to acclimate to trying. For example, my avatar needed changing over a year ago. I lost visual on it in blogger some months back and it was time to change it. It was showing up on some pages and not on others but the fact is that the pic was old and it was time to update. I hate the thought of being the same person for years and years and then when the time comes to meet someone in person you've met online (friends that is), they see this person in front of them that doesn't remotely resemble the person in their avatar. I like to keep it updated even though it's only a testament to my aging process.

Change is good but it takes me some time to realize that change is needed. That being said, I seem to welcome changes frequently in life. For example, I've reinvented myself probably 9x. By "reinvented" I mean that I have lived an entirely different lifestyle throughout life. I've been a simple mother and house wife, a carpet installer for 13 years, a builder of houses, a painter, an electrician, a student, and I foresee a career in psychology or counseling in my future. I just seem to cycle through these changes and lifestyles albeit each one evolves at a slow pace. I find it interesting, and it's also very cool to have looked back over my 45 years and see that I've covered such a wide range of lifestyles. I was even a biker chick for a time, a tattoo fanatic, and a couple of things better left unmentioned. All of these required I shift gears and live a certain lifestyle in order to be a master of my trade or to be the best fan I could be. Whatever the case was at the time, it had to be a lifestyle and not just a hobby running in the background. When I go in, I go in all the way.

Life has been a roller coaster and it's not even over yet.

HOW TO...

Love bread and love ice cream? Would you believe that if you mix any kind of ice cream you choose into a bowl of self-rising flour, that you can make bread? Yep, it's that easy, mix about 3 cups of self-rising flour in with the amount of ice cream it takes to make it doughy and bake at 350°F for about 45 minutes or until your bread looks done and voila, bread made from ice cream. Sherbert is not recommended.

DEPRESSION DOESN'T DEFINE ME

Depression does not define me. I have depression but I'm not depression. I despise the labels people place on everything and everyone. I'm not depressed, I'm Kelline.

What does it take to change that internal dialog? I can start looking at my mirror image and say, "Hi Kelline, remember, you're Kelline and Kelline has depression but it doesn't define you so don't ever look at you and say, 'hi depressed.'"

UPDATE ON DEPRESSION

I'm now blogging for no other reason except to say something to myself for future posterity, and if you folks happen to read it, consider that you're reading my mind, essentially.

I started Abilify two weeks ago, this is an anti-depressant therapy treatment. It's the magic bullet. I've begun feeling more social than I've ever felt in my life. All these years I've been misanthropic. Well....actually I've been depressed and that's how it manifests for me. Depression is different for everyone, and for me, it's a matter of lacking ambition, moodiness, dark moods, bad dreams, and anti-social behavior. That is starting to change. My moods have improved, I've found myself wanting to be social as never before, my ambition level has increased, and I feel like I have a new lease on life. I also see a therapist but that's for another paragraph.

Another paragraph:

My therapist is, hm, telling me a lot about himself. I'm not sure if it's okay to tell your charge about yourself to the degree that you end up knowing more about him in two visits than he knows about you but we'll see how this thing goes.

That's it for now, I just want to update myself.

UPDATE ON LIFE (YAWN)

I begin my writing with an update on my oldest son. Last we heard he was just completing the police academy and entering his job as a law enforcement officer. He was there all of two or three months when his Air Force career took precedent and he was deployed. How do you like that, the child fights his entire life to be a cop, and as soon as he makes it, he's done. He had to quit because he won't be there for 6 months, although they assure him that his position or one like it could still be available upon his return and that he can keep the hope alive. He left America on March 16th, 2014 and isn't likely to return before September. We only hope that date isn't as tentative as we think it is. Nothing is what it seems in the military. Dates change constantly.

I'm nearing the end of another semester, this time World Civilization II and Composition I. I'm doing well in both courses but that's by choice. There's no legitimate reason that I can see why any student would enter college and then fail themselves. I never did understand that mentality. If you're going to start, then finish. I suppose college isn't for everyone and what seems like a good idea at the onset quickly shows itself in a more realistic light and the struggles are too much for some students. Understandable if you're working a full time job and trying to go to school full time. Wow, what dedication!

My youngest son is still "my little troubled one." I hear from him and then I don't for months. It just makes me appreciate contact when I get it. I really really like him, my youngest son, Grant. He's such a nice guy and we have so much fun around each other. I love to annoy him and he loves it when I do. Don't let him kid ya'.

My grandson is the bomb! Liam, Liam, Hungry Liam, that's we call him sometimes hehe. There's a child's book on the market called "The Hungry Caterpillar," or something like that so we just adapted it to Liam. He's a veggie eating fool, that one. Loves his carrots and broccoli. The way I see it is if you never introduce junk food to them, they never know what they're missing. Therefore, there's no reason to ever give your children cookies, cakes, candy, coke, etc., give them fruits and veggies and that's what they'll learn to love and desire. At the very least, make the former items a treat and not a staple of their diet.

My health has deteriorated. My spinal deficiency has deteriorated to the degree that I have a herniated cervical disk now. I'm not surprised, remember, the doctor that diagnosed me told me this would cripple me someday. I'm in constant pain, suffering with numbing of the hands, prickly feelings, aching and throbbing in the right side of my shoulder and arm. Even stepping hurts as it jars the spine. I'm having a hell of a time concentrating in class and sleeping at night. I'll be seeing a neurosurgeon in May, although I'm not sure why my doctor is sending me to a neurosurgeon but that's what she thinks I need so, let's start there.

My anti-depression therapy has bombed. It hasn't pulled me up enough. I had an early onset of improvement but I think it was more due to power of suggestion than actual chemical rearrangement in the brain. I think I was hoping it would help me so I adopted some thoughts about it that tricked me into thinking I was happier. May be I saw a few extra good videos that month or heard more jokes than usual and got a giggle or two more. Either way, I'm still down in this hole and fighting to stay alive. I'm fighting to hide it from family and friends so I don't burden people. Sometimes I think that's the worst part. I don't want my son to worry and him on the other side of the world. I don't want my younger son to feel obligated to call more to see if I'm still alive. I'll sort it out on my own but I'll be seeing a Psychiatrist to get a more professional assessment and regulate the medication this month. My poor old family doctor feels like such a failure.

There we have it. Kelline's life, what a ride!

A Soldier Says Goodbye

This is my son, Gage, kissing his son, Liam, goodbye this morning March 16, 2014. Today they fly my son to a Middle Eastern country to serve his time in a war I can't understand.

A COSMIC FAIRYTALE

I chose this song out of all of his music just because it's an eloquent way for him to speak of his own personal beliefs, no matter what they may be. This is one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard!! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

NO MOURNING ALLOWED

Well, it's been a few months since I started anti-depressants. While my feelings about suicide have gotten better and I rarely consider killing myself as I did before, I can't lie and say that I'm better and I feel like life is worth living for the first time in years.

Living with depression is life long, it doesn't get better and I've never been healed from it. I have good moments in life wherein I'm feeling okay in that moment and the depression is masked a bit, but it's always there, lurking beneath the surface. My thoughts are frequently drawn to the negative things in life and it's a constant struggle to stay on top of it. I'm battling, that's the word I was looking for. For the first time in my 45 years of life, I understand now that I'm fighting to stay alive.

I was contemplating suicide a lot when I first started this blog. I have the joy of the Lord and that's my strength and He's never failed me when I cry out to Him, but I believe He would understand if I lost this battle. He knows there are some things that I just can't endure. The prayer and the medication is helping but it's not fixing this. I abhor life just as much today as I ever have. I still lack the desire to be here. I still hate this world. With all the love I have for God, I have the same amount of hatred for this world.

Let me make this clear, IF someone reads this and feels compelled to speak to me....I'm not in need of a shoulder to cry on, I'm not that weak. I don't need to be reminded of all the beauty in the world yet to be seen, I'm not that blind. I don't need to be encouraged to remain alive for my kids and those who care about me, I'm not that selfish. This is depression alone and fortunately for me, it's not depression coupled with selfishness. If I've lived this long, I'm sure I'll survive the last years and go when God comes for me.

It's strange that after 45 years of depression, I'm no closer to understanding me than I ever was. I'm a two year student of Psychology and I'm still no closer to solving my own mental issues than I was 10 years ago or 15 years ago. It's like depression is a cruel secret being kept within one's own mind and it can't be known.

Here's what I want to say, when I die I forbid mourning. I forbid sadness. I absolutely forbid anyone to hang their head and click their tongues as if to say, "what a tragedy, what a sad sad tragedy." I prefer it to be said, "Finally free, praise God, she's finally free". That's what death is, it's a release, it's freedom. I'm in a cage within myself. I'm trapped in this mind. I can't find the way out and it's dark in here. All of the light that I can find is artificial and the bulb is dim. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that when I'm dead, I'm going to finally see the brightest lights, the sharpest colors, feel a perfect breeze, understand the language of the birds, smell every single fragrance individually and at once, hear every note of every song played on every heavenly instrument but with perfect tone and timing and my soul will sing along with it. So, since this is what I believe will become of me, there's no reason for there to be any sadness. Why be sad if you know that someone is truly in that proverbial better place?

Great! Then it's settled.