FEELING BETTER

Well, fast forward from March 9th of 2015 wherein I uploaded my last blog post and this blog finds me doing well. I've been on Effexor anti-depressant for the past several months and it's working well for me. Before I started the medication I was very suicidal. I hated life and everything about it. I can't lie and say I love life now because I don't, but I'm bearing up under it a lot easier. I would recommend anyone who has depression like I have to get some help for it. Find a therapist and get some medication in your system. You'll feel and see a difference in yourself. I have a counselor although my true faith is in the medicine that God has provided me with. I say that because I prayed and prayed for the depression to be lifted and it wasn't until I got on the medication that it did indeed lift. So, therefore, it's not that God touches you with his finger and makes you better, it's that He leads you to the place you need to find for help. Don't be overly religious people. Prayer is about getting God to hear your cries for help so when He finally answers that prayer, don't second guess it.

I BATTLE ON

When someone says the words, "battling depression," that's exactly what they mean. It's a battle. I've been battling this thing for years although there was a brief lull during a time period where I thought I was cured. Nobody gets cured from depression. Depression is forever (or until heaven).

I started out with the extreme mood swings and that grew to rages. I got on medication and my moods are regulated. I take Wellbutrin and it seems to be the right medication, although I still struggle to get out of bed in the morning. 

I write this to ask if there's anyone else out there struggling with depression who would like to share their story with me. I wonder how many people in my internet circle of friends has this problem?

MY TOE HURTS

It's the strangest anomaly. My doctor has started me on Abilify and I've developed a Tourette's type of tick in my pinkey toes (or 'pinkle' toes as my grandson says). I can't stop stretching my toes out and apart and my feet are actually starting to hurt from it. Ugh.

DEPRESSION DOESN'T DEFINE ME

Depression does not define me. I have depression but I'm not depression. I despise the labels people place on everything and everyone. I'm not depressed, I'm Kelline.

What does it take to change that internal dialog? I can start looking at my mirror image and say, "Hi Kelline, remember, you're Kelline and Kelline has depression but it doesn't define you so don't ever look at you and say, 'hi depressed.'"

UPDATE ON DEPRESSION

I'm now blogging for no other reason except to say something to myself for future posterity, and if you folks happen to read it, consider that you're reading my mind, essentially.

I started Abilify two weeks ago, this is an anti-depressant therapy treatment. It's the magic bullet. I've begun feeling more social than I've ever felt in my life. All these years I've been misanthropic. Well....actually I've been depressed and that's how it manifests for me. Depression is different for everyone, and for me, it's a matter of lacking ambition, moodiness, dark moods, bad dreams, and anti-social behavior. That is starting to change. My moods have improved, I've found myself wanting to be social as never before, my ambition level has increased, and I feel like I have a new lease on life. I also see a therapist but that's for another paragraph.

Another paragraph:

My therapist is, hm, telling me a lot about himself. I'm not sure if it's okay to tell your charge about yourself to the degree that you end up knowing more about him in two visits than he knows about you but we'll see how this thing goes.

That's it for now, I just want to update myself.

UPDATE ON LIFE (YAWN)

I begin my writing with an update on my oldest son. Last we heard he was just completing the police academy and entering his job as a law enforcement officer. He was there all of two or three months when his Air Force career took precedent and he was deployed. How do you like that, the child fights his entire life to be a cop, and as soon as he makes it, he's done. He had to quit because he won't be there for 6 months, although they assure him that his position or one like it could still be available upon his return and that he can keep the hope alive. He left America on March 16th, 2014 and isn't likely to return before September. We only hope that date isn't as tentative as we think it is. Nothing is what it seems in the military. Dates change constantly.

I'm nearing the end of another semester, this time World Civilization II and Composition I. I'm doing well in both courses but that's by choice. There's no legitimate reason that I can see why any student would enter college and then fail themselves. I never did understand that mentality. If you're going to start, then finish. I suppose college isn't for everyone and what seems like a good idea at the onset quickly shows itself in a more realistic light and the struggles are too much for some students. Understandable if you're working a full time job and trying to go to school full time. Wow, what dedication!

My youngest son is still "my little troubled one." I hear from him and then I don't for months. It just makes me appreciate contact when I get it. I really really like him, my youngest son, Grant. He's such a nice guy and we have so much fun around each other. I love to annoy him and he loves it when I do. Don't let him kid ya'.

My grandson is the bomb! Liam, Liam, Hungry Liam, that's we call him sometimes hehe. There's a child's book on the market called "The Hungry Caterpillar," or something like that so we just adapted it to Liam. He's a veggie eating fool, that one. Loves his carrots and broccoli. The way I see it is if you never introduce junk food to them, they never know what they're missing. Therefore, there's no reason to ever give your children cookies, cakes, candy, coke, etc., give them fruits and veggies and that's what they'll learn to love and desire. At the very least, make the former items a treat and not a staple of their diet.

My health has deteriorated. My spinal deficiency has deteriorated to the degree that I have a herniated cervical disk now. I'm not surprised, remember, the doctor that diagnosed me told me this would cripple me someday. I'm in constant pain, suffering with numbing of the hands, prickly feelings, aching and throbbing in the right side of my shoulder and arm. Even stepping hurts as it jars the spine. I'm having a hell of a time concentrating in class and sleeping at night. I'll be seeing a neurosurgeon in May, although I'm not sure why my doctor is sending me to a neurosurgeon but that's what she thinks I need so, let's start there.

My anti-depression therapy has bombed. It hasn't pulled me up enough. I had an early onset of improvement but I think it was more due to power of suggestion than actual chemical rearrangement in the brain. I think I was hoping it would help me so I adopted some thoughts about it that tricked me into thinking I was happier. May be I saw a few extra good videos that month or heard more jokes than usual and got a giggle or two more. Either way, I'm still down in this hole and fighting to stay alive. I'm fighting to hide it from family and friends so I don't burden people. Sometimes I think that's the worst part. I don't want my son to worry and him on the other side of the world. I don't want my younger son to feel obligated to call more to see if I'm still alive. I'll sort it out on my own but I'll be seeing a Psychiatrist to get a more professional assessment and regulate the medication this month. My poor old family doctor feels like such a failure.

There we have it. Kelline's life, what a ride!

NO MOURNING ALLOWED

Well, it's been a few months since I started anti-depressants. While my feelings about suicide have gotten better and I rarely consider killing myself as I did before, I can't lie and say that I'm better and I feel like life is worth living for the first time in years.

Living with depression is life long, it doesn't get better and I've never been healed from it. I have good moments in life wherein I'm feeling okay in that moment and the depression is masked a bit, but it's always there, lurking beneath the surface. My thoughts are frequently drawn to the negative things in life and it's a constant struggle to stay on top of it. I'm battling, that's the word I was looking for. For the first time in my 45 years of life, I understand now that I'm fighting to stay alive.

I was contemplating suicide a lot when I first started this blog. I have the joy of the Lord and that's my strength and He's never failed me when I cry out to Him, but I believe He would understand if I lost this battle. He knows there are some things that I just can't endure. The prayer and the medication is helping but it's not fixing this. I abhor life just as much today as I ever have. I still lack the desire to be here. I still hate this world. With all the love I have for God, I have the same amount of hatred for this world.

Let me make this clear, IF someone reads this and feels compelled to speak to me....I'm not in need of a shoulder to cry on, I'm not that weak. I don't need to be reminded of all the beauty in the world yet to be seen, I'm not that blind. I don't need to be encouraged to remain alive for my kids and those who care about me, I'm not that selfish. This is depression alone and fortunately for me, it's not depression coupled with selfishness. If I've lived this long, I'm sure I'll survive the last years and go when God comes for me.

It's strange that after 45 years of depression, I'm no closer to understanding me than I ever was. I'm a two year student of Psychology and I'm still no closer to solving my own mental issues than I was 10 years ago or 15 years ago. It's like depression is a cruel secret being kept within one's own mind and it can't be known.

Here's what I want to say, when I die I forbid mourning. I forbid sadness. I absolutely forbid anyone to hang their head and click their tongues as if to say, "what a tragedy, what a sad sad tragedy." I prefer it to be said, "Finally free, praise God, she's finally free". That's what death is, it's a release, it's freedom. I'm in a cage within myself. I'm trapped in this mind. I can't find the way out and it's dark in here. All of the light that I can find is artificial and the bulb is dim. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that when I'm dead, I'm going to finally see the brightest lights, the sharpest colors, feel a perfect breeze, understand the language of the birds, smell every single fragrance individually and at once, hear every note of every song played on every heavenly instrument but with perfect tone and timing and my soul will sing along with it. So, since this is what I believe will become of me, there's no reason for there to be any sadness. Why be sad if you know that someone is truly in that proverbial better place?

Great! Then it's settled.