We all have a choice to believe in something, I choose to believe in God!

Thursday, October 4, 2012


Sadness is to be expected. I have a hard time with that. I have a hard time knowing if this sadness is part of the depression I have, or my lot in life. The Bible mentions one's lot and so I tend to wonder about it often. Did God set this pace for me before I was born? Did He have other plans for me but my mother's emotional unavailability caused me to grow up to become this? I know that all things will be revealed someday but I sure could use some answers now.

Most people are able to cope with the slightest anxiety or disruption to their joy. I, on the other hand, have a time with it beyond what I can endure sometimes. An example would be the week I took a math quiz and found out upon completing it that I had added all of my polynomials instead of multiplying them. Hence, I made a 70 which is way below my ability and it caused me so much stress and anxiety that I burst into tears in front of my entire class. I couldn't cope with the thought of not getting that "A" which I had studied all week for. I see other students fail and they just give a hardy "darn". Why can't I just say "darn"?

This blog post will be my vent. I'll pour out here for no reason except that it's my blog and I can say whatever I want. I want to say this. I want to say that I'm sad. A lot. Deep in my soul is a light that God has placed in me, but I can't reach it whenever I want, and when I do it's only briefly. Is everyone else like that? Does anyone else feel like sadness plagues them more than their joy? If not, how? How do you be happy all the time? What do you say to yourself to make yourself happy? Do you tell yourself that all is well all the time or, do you convince yourself that nothing really matters because it's not in our hands anyway? 

Lately, my prayers don't get past the ceiling. I say them but they're not warm and full of love and light. I feel like I say them to try to get God to hear me but they don't turn His head. I'm struggling today to feel warmth and light. I'm just mad at so many things going wrong and I'm so confused because, it's been this way for me all my life. I've never been wealthy. I've never had things in life handed to me. It's never seemed easy. My children worry me, I've lost two grandsons (one to murder and one due to his mother leaving the state with him). The only man I ever loved has left this world and I am alone in it. Is this called "woe is me"? I just want to know where the trials and tribulations end and the depression begins because it all blends together. I wish I could explain depression to someone who doesn't have it but wishes they understood. It's like being on one end of the spectrum or the other at the drop of a hat. One tiny thing can push the depressed person over into sadness, so imagine what many things happening at once can do. Most of the time I just put one foot in front of the other and trust the Lord. He hasn't failed me and I have to tell the world that. This isn't God abandoning me. I see that He holds my hand and carries me a lot. I know He's with me or I would have left this life behind a long time ago.

I think this is the fire we all must be tried in, the oven that gets so hot sometimes we cry out and tell the Lord that we can't take anymore. Everyone has to be tried and go through their process of refinement. Those of you who are in tune with the Lord will understand what I mean and how that process works. He never gives us more than we can bear. This is the absolute truth because I've cried out to Him many times that I couldn't stand anymore suffering. Suddenly, without warning, the "heat" would be turned down, or the door cracks and is slightly ajar in the oven of life and the "heat" escapes. I am able to see beyond the flames and there standing on the other side is the Lord and He's waiting to greet me when I come through. But He's there nonetheless. He hasn't just shoved us into the situation and left us there to burn to our spiritual death. He knows it's hard, and even harder for some than others. He knows how high the "heat" should be and He knows how long we need to be in it in order for us to become something better than we were. When I fight through a situation I find myself feeling sometimes devastated and completely without control. I feel frustrated and fed up and many times, as depression dictates, I cry for the time to end. Now, for those of you who want to tell me that I'm not supposed to accept depression and it's not God's will, and all of those nice thoughts about a perfect life, I have to disagree with that. There is great worth and value in these things no matter how confusing they may be. God is able to be glorified through the very things that some preachers are telling people aren't supposed to be happening. But I say yes, they are supposed to be happening, for His glory! What kind of diamond doesn't go through the process to become beautiful, cut, and with exact clarity? What kind of stone doesn't get polished before it's set where it will be beautiful to behold? What kind of instrument sounds sweet in it's holding case instead of in the hands of the master who plays it with skill? We weren't meant to sit here in perfection and live the good life without these things, for that would serve to change nothing.

The world understands sadness and God understands us. While I love the faith of a Pentecostal church as they lay hands on one another and receive miracles, the truth is that we're not meant to live a life that doesn't include the trials and tribulations. While I admire any and all faith-filled brothers and sisters, I see nothing in the Bible that backs up the preaching that it's "not God's will that we should have trials and tribulations...it's not from God." I see that it plainly tells us that "In this world, ye shall have trials and tribulations but be of good cheer for I have over come the world." I see all evidence of that. Small miracles happen all of the time and I can't deny the fact that they're too wonderful and miraculous to be random coincidence. 

As the world travails, the Lord prepares His arrival. We see that the end of times is upon us. One can hardly deny the things happening line up with the Scriptures. I worry incessantly that I'm not prepared. That I'm wrong to assume God's grace is the place to cast my shortcomings and that I should be as pious as possible and work for it. Even though that goes against everything I believe I read in the scriptures, there's still a little voice (which could be the enemy drawing me off the path of truth) telling me to "be better". I tell you that I'm as good as I get unless the Lord works a miracle.

A miracle has already occurred. While I was typing this post, I wept. I felt overwhelming sadness. I thought of my sisters in Christ that come to my blog and always leave a faith-filled comment, Sateigdra, Brenda, and Monica. I thought of these ladies and the more I typed and thought of them the more warmth and light I began to feel. As I sit and type out the end of this post, I feel so much better, as if the three of them have surrounded me with God's love. See, God already made the way for this moment by bringing those three faith-filled women into my life. I know that they'll each have a powerful word of hope, faith, and love to share with me and the world in their comments (God-willing that they're able) and I feel it already. God was here, just like I said He was. I came through this moment of refinement where I began by feeling hopeless, and now I've learned something completely new. If you know someone faith-filled, sometimes that's enough to give peace. I know that I'm not alone.(◡‿◡✿)


  1. Kelline,
    my eyes are filled with tears as I type this, for the sadness in your post yes very much so, but also because I see there your trust in the Lord. The devil says 'compete, compare' and tries to get us to set our own goal, our beautiful Lord says 'Be still and know that I am God', 'take no thought for tomorrow' whispering the words of the Father in that still small voice. He sees our sadness and is there with us in it, but there are also many experiences that we are put through that allow us to experience things that we may not understand the reason for at the time, but understand it at a later date. Many times it is because we were not meant to go down that road. Sometimes something which our mind can tell us will lead to good things can lead to bad things. I was once driving home from a town and decided it would be nice to go along the coastal road to get to my destination. For some reason I felt very disturbed about it and drove home through the country instead. I called in at a garage for fuel and was paying for it when a man came in and said there had been a terrible accident on the coastal road. I firmly believe that God saved me from that accident. Then at other times the saddest things will happen in my life and it is for me further down the line to comfort someone else with the comfort I receive from the Lord. No, following Jesus does not promise us a life without trial, but it does promise us a life with the presence of God's Holy Spirit in it, and if I was offered all the money in the world in exchange for my life in Jesus I would turn it down, there would be no comparison and the one I choose brings a promise with it. 'Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for them that love Him'. I do not intend to 'sing songs to a heavy heart' with this comment Kelline, I want to assure you that you have brothers and sisters in the Lord who care deeply for you and I pray that, just as the Hebrew day start off with darkness and ends with the sun coming up, the Lord will take away any darkness and sadness that is in your life at the moment and fill it with light and the joy of the Lord. May God bless you Kelline and destroy all attacks from the enemy. Amen, thankYou Father for Your great love and the victory that you grant us in Jesus.

    1. Dear Sweet Sister,

      I prophesied your words correctly. I knew they would contain the love of Christ, guidance, and comfort. I was right in all regards. I am weeping again, but this time with joy because I believe you when you say I have brothers and sisters in Christ that care for me. I believe you because only someone who knows Christ could effectively speak words of love and comfort as you have here. I would give you the good report and let you know that I feel the sensation of victory and overcoming in our Lord. When I fell down, He just picked me up and carried me a distance but He always knows when it's time for me to stand again on my own. I am grateful that He stays close and sometimes steadies us on our spiritual feet. Thank you for being the sister in Christ that I already knew you to be. I'm so glad that on a day that could have been tragic, the Lord decided to save you alive and send you here. Blessings and hugs, Brenda!!!

  2. Remember when i commented on your last post and said that was my favorite, well now I have a new favorite, and isn't just because you mentioned me in the end either :-).

    What I love so much about this post is your honesty, your openess, you shared with all your hurt. I can relate to all that you said minus the part about math, I was always terrible in that i would have been one of those person's saying "darn" or I would have said "well at least I got a C this time, I'm on my way" lol.

    THis post is very good for somebody who might be feeling sad or depressed to come and read and know that they are not alone. People believe that because we are Christians we walk around happy all day long and life is rainbows and pony's and unicorns and we walk around dancing and swirling and running thru meadows in our minds. Life is real, we hurt to, we get sad, we get upset, we weep, we worry, we get broken just like the next person, but because we are children of the most High we know we can run to Him and fall at His feet and weep and even sometimes we may scream out, we know He saw this moment coming long before it occurred, and He will help us thru it, many think it's about needing to get out but more often it's about getting thru than getting out, and once you get thru God show's us the way out.

    Your right about passing thru the fire, we all will have to if we want God to purify us and refine us like the gold we are to Him. I got to admit whenever I see that scripture I get scared a little I don't like pain or heartache or crying just as much as the next person, but I do know I want to b perfect for my Lord, and if that means I got to face the trials and tribulations, although if I could be perfect for the Lord without it I would have chosen that path, but because we can't I keep in mind Jesus did say He overcame all of this and He did, look where He's at now.

    When I'm feeling really sad I cry and cry and cry and pray, and there are those occasions when i say to myself well it's out of my control I'll leave it up to God and that comforts me.

    You should listen to a song by a singer named "find you on my Knees" by a singer i really like named Kari Jobe, she's a christian singer and I really like her. look the song up on youtube, it's great. The lyrics really kind of expressed what you said in your post in a way, talks about no matter how broken we are we can find the Lord on our knees, we can find Him in the place we're at and sometimes that place is depression and sadness. Always remember He said He will never put more on us than we can bear, so odds are when we're going thru something God knows beforehand that we can bear it, and He helps us with it like you said if we cry out. God Bless you sister Kelline :-)

    1. Just like I told Brenda, I knew you would have a powerful message to share. I knew it about all three of you. Sister Monica is just below you here next in line with an equally powerful message.

      Nobody but God is responsible for us or our happiness but it sure does count to have sisters like you and the others, Sateigdra. It's an amazing feeling to know that we'll meet someday and we won't be strangers.

      I'm so far from being a perfect servant and I wish I could just sit back and twiddle my thumbs and become that. It's not possible. I stray and come back, I fall and get up, I weep and then laugh, I rage and then praise. I think it's truly part of the entire walk and I'm not ashamed to admit that not one aspect of my life can meet His high and holy expectations. The joy in that is the fact that He doesn't ask it. He asks me to just trust Him and I'll see the glory of our Lord! Again, He has never failed me. It's so wonderful to lean on Him. I don't know how people do it without Him. I was on that side once and I can remember clearly the confusion that consumed me at times. It's like He wants me to remember that, because I was saved as a child but can still remember feeling confused and without a place to turn. Now, it's ALWAYS Him I turn to. I don't know any other way to be, amen?

      I've heard of Kari Jobe. Another great Christian singer, fully anointed is Natalie Grant and the song "Your Great Name." I can barely stand up with I hear that song. It's straight from her heart to His. I have goose bumps just thinking about it.

      Anyway, thank you Sateigdra for appreciating my writing so much, understanding, relating, and being the sister to a sister that God would have you to be. I'm purely blessed by you! You make me smile (•‿•)

    2. Hey your right that Natalie Grant song is powerful. And you also make me smile. (•‿•)

    3. It gives me chills every time and I can't help but worship.

      Guess who called me this morning and woke me up? Jehovah's witnesses. I didn't answer it but the message asked if she could schedule a time that was convenient for me to come and visit. Before I could ever return that call, she showed up anyway. Mind you, first of all, I gave that number to Ben, not to the whole church. Second of all, when I didn't answer, that's not a green light to go ahead and show up. She was sitting here when I told Ben that I need them to call first. I'm a student, I work sometimes through the night and that means sleeping late in the morning. Having them call and show up is an utter inconvenience and a disrespect of the highest form. Ben giving her my phone number tells me that they are running some kind of agenda and that they clearly cannot be trusted. First, he is trained to find recruits, when they have their foot in the door, they work the person over or love bomb them. Then when it looks like a done deal,the younger hands the torch to the elder who then brings in a new trainee and they complete their "mission" using the new person they bring to train up. I can see it clearly with my spiritual eyes what's going on. I'm going to call the local Kingdom Hall and demand to be removed from their visitor's list and if they continue to ignore that request, I'll have them charged with harassment. They couldn't just be happy to have a place that welcomed them, they had to use it as a form of training and recruitment. Hence, my conclusion has been drawn, they do not come in the name of God, but in their own flesh and agenda. Beware of Jehovah's Witnesses!

    4. "they do not come in the name of God, but in their own flesh and agenda. " pretty much sums them up!

      I had no idea they called houses to, If i had known you gave Ben your number I would have said that's going to be a bad idea.
      I remember one time they came to my house about 3 of them in front of my door, umbrella in hand for shade from the sun (rain or shine they're on the job). They stood there regurgitating the same script I have heard from them since I was a little girl.

      The lady was like, "well will you be here next Thursday?" and honestly I wanted to say I wouldn't even though I knew I would, I couldn't find it in my heart to lie to her so I said yes. She said "around what time?" so now I'm trying to weasel my way out, I said "I'm not sure exactly" even though I knew I would be there all day, she said "ok well around this time we'll check back then?", then i said, "I'm not sure what time", she said "how about 10?"

      lol these people are really persistent and I think their trained to ignore signs from people showing them they don't wan't to be bothered for eg, like not answering the door, even if you don't answer they start hollerin "Hello, Hi, Hello, anybody home?" as if nobody coming to the door isn't already an indication that nobody is there. But you summed them up, people got to beware of them They usually always got a young person with them it never dawned on me that's a trainee or an intern, so to speak lol. They haven't been around here in weeks, next time they come around I might answer, my brother usually does, perhaps I should address them once and for all. I usually stay away from them though, because God says not to welcome them who bring another Gospel.

    5. Hi Sateigdra,

      I suppose I thought giving my number to Ben would make this whole thing easier and I would resent them less for just showing up. I have posted again about this after this post so I'll wait until you comment on that one to go further into this detail but I have to stand in agreement with you as you are with me. JWs are not Christians. They don't believe in the Holy Spirit or Jesus as their savior so they do not understand the things of the spirit. If I'm wrong about that, I stand corrected and will apologize. I know some JWs in my social platform, Google plus, and they seem very nice but they never ever talk about God in that forum. I find that odd.

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  4. Zech 13:9 And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The LORD is my God.’”

    "and the voice that hushed the sea, stills her spirit with the whisper, suffer them to come to me."

    It's like you're in the water when this gigantic wave towers over you and looks like it's going to come crashing down on you. He can calm those waters and He can reach down and pull you out.

    Dear Kelline, remember that because of this heaviness He provides more grace! You are lavished with grace, grace so amazing!
    Keep your eyes on the finish line. That's what I do when I'm going through a difficult time. Read and reread 2 Cor 4, These things we endure are just for a moment, temporary. But is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison! Hallelujah keep your eyes toward Heaven sis!

    1. My little sis,

      The one who always knows the right scripture for the heart at the moment. In the entire time I've known you, you've never failed to speak the Word exactly as it's needed at the moment. We all know that God sent His Word and that it's alive when used in context, with love, and by someone anointed. It becomes alive and often, in times like this, becomes a salve for the soul. Suddenly I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I think about a future earth with a wise woman of God in it's midst like you and I feel somehow better.

      You understand perfectly what I feel, by using the analogy of me "being in the water when this gigantic wave towers over you." That wave can represent so many different things. For me, that wave represents depression and how it can consume me so easily. I have to share it because there are others out there who suffer the same distress sometimes. I would to God there was a magic cure.

      You didn't specify 2 Corinthians chapter 4 or chapter 1 and verse 4, so I thought, let me just read chapter 1 and verse 4 and see if that lines up with what she means. It tells me that because you are comforted by God, that you are able to comfort me with the same comfort for which He has comforted you.

      ♫♪♫ "Amazing love, how can it be that you, my King, should die for me" ♫♪♫

      I think about that song so much! I can't believe Jehovah's Witnesses don't believe in Jesus Christ as the son of God or a deity, let alone the Savior of the world. How can they not believe in Jesus?

      Anyway, I give you the good report and tell you that your words have added peace and I can smile again. God has brought me through! He has also sent my sisters to bear me up. I'm blessed beyond words! Thank you for always being there Monica.

    2. Oh Kelline you make me smile :) !
      2 Cor 1:4 is good but I meant 2 Cor chapter 4. I quoted the last couple verses, but the whole chapter is amazing.

      I know right?! Take away Jesus Christ as the son of God and in the Divine Trinity, Jesus said He is the way the only way to the Father.

      God is so amazing, in a godly friendship we bless each other as one blesses the other it blesses the one! :)

  5. what a powerful, thought provoking post...
    when I get down and life doesn't make sense I just pray over and over and over, "Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, i trust in you." pretty soon I start believing it.

    1. that's powerful in itself Annmarie!!!


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