UPDATE ON LIFE (YAWN)

I begin my writing with an update on my oldest son. Last we heard he was just completing the police academy and entering his job as a law enforcement officer. He was there all of two or three months when his Air Force career took precedent and he was deployed. How do you like that, the child fights his entire life to be a cop, and as soon as he makes it, he's done. He had to quit because he won't be there for 6 months, although they assure him that his position or one like it could still be available upon his return and that he can keep the hope alive. He left America on March 16th, 2014 and isn't likely to return before September. We only hope that date isn't as tentative as we think it is. Nothing is what it seems in the military. Dates change constantly.

I'm nearing the end of another semester, this time World Civilization II and Composition I. I'm doing well in both courses but that's by choice. There's no legitimate reason that I can see why any student would enter college and then fail themselves. I never did understand that mentality. If you're going to start, then finish. I suppose college isn't for everyone and what seems like a good idea at the onset quickly shows itself in a more realistic light and the struggles are too much for some students. Understandable if you're working a full time job and trying to go to school full time. Wow, what dedication!

My youngest son is still "my little troubled one." I hear from him and then I don't for months. It just makes me appreciate contact when I get it. I really really like him, my youngest son, Grant. He's such a nice guy and we have so much fun around each other. I love to annoy him and he loves it when I do. Don't let him kid ya'.

My grandson is the bomb! Liam, Liam, Hungry Liam, that's we call him sometimes hehe. There's a child's book on the market called "The Hungry Caterpillar," or something like that so we just adapted it to Liam. He's a veggie eating fool, that one. Loves his carrots and broccoli. The way I see it is if you never introduce junk food to them, they never know what they're missing. Therefore, there's no reason to ever give your children cookies, cakes, candy, coke, etc., give them fruits and veggies and that's what they'll learn to love and desire. At the very least, make the former items a treat and not a staple of their diet.

My health has deteriorated. My spinal deficiency has deteriorated to the degree that I have a herniated cervical disk now. I'm not surprised, remember, the doctor that diagnosed me told me this would cripple me someday. I'm in constant pain, suffering with numbing of the hands, prickly feelings, aching and throbbing in the right side of my shoulder and arm. Even stepping hurts as it jars the spine. I'm having a hell of a time concentrating in class and sleeping at night. I'll be seeing a neurosurgeon in May, although I'm not sure why my doctor is sending me to a neurosurgeon but that's what she thinks I need so, let's start there.

My anti-depression therapy has bombed. It hasn't pulled me up enough. I had an early onset of improvement but I think it was more due to power of suggestion than actual chemical rearrangement in the brain. I think I was hoping it would help me so I adopted some thoughts about it that tricked me into thinking I was happier. May be I saw a few extra good videos that month or heard more jokes than usual and got a giggle or two more. Either way, I'm still down in this hole and fighting to stay alive. I'm fighting to hide it from family and friends so I don't burden people. Sometimes I think that's the worst part. I don't want my son to worry and him on the other side of the world. I don't want my younger son to feel obligated to call more to see if I'm still alive. I'll sort it out on my own but I'll be seeing a Psychiatrist to get a more professional assessment and regulate the medication this month. My poor old family doctor feels like such a failure.

There we have it. Kelline's life, what a ride!

A Soldier Says Goodbye

This is my son, Gage, kissing his son, Liam, goodbye this morning March 16, 2014. Today they fly my son to a Middle Eastern country to serve his time in a war I can't understand.

A COSMIC FAIRYTALE

I chose this song out of all of his music just because it's an eloquent way for him to speak of his own personal beliefs, no matter what they may be. This is one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard!! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

NO MOURNING ALLOWED

Well, it's been a few months since I started anti-depressants. While my feelings about suicide have gotten better and I rarely consider killing myself as I did before, I can't lie and say that I'm better and I feel like life is worth living for the first time in years.

Living with depression is life long, it doesn't get better and I've never been healed from it. I have good moments in life wherein I'm feeling okay in that moment and the depression is masked a bit, but it's always there, lurking beneath the surface. My thoughts are frequently drawn to the negative things in life and it's a constant struggle to stay on top of it. I'm battling, that's the word I was looking for. For the first time in my 45 years of life, I understand now that I'm fighting to stay alive.

I was contemplating suicide a lot when I first started this blog. I have the joy of the Lord and that's my strength and He's never failed me when I cry out to Him, but I believe He would understand if I lost this battle. He knows there are some things that I just can't endure. The prayer and the medication is helping but it's not fixing this. I abhor life just as much today as I ever have. I still lack the desire to be here. I still hate this world. With all the love I have for God, I have the same amount of hatred for this world.

Let me make this clear, IF someone reads this and feels compelled to speak to me....I'm not in need of a shoulder to cry on, I'm not that weak. I don't need to be reminded of all the beauty in the world yet to be seen, I'm not that blind. I don't need to be encouraged to remain alive for my kids and those who care about me, I'm not that selfish. This is depression alone and fortunately for me, it's not depression coupled with selfishness. If I've lived this long, I'm sure I'll survive the last years and go when God comes for me.

It's strange that after 45 years of depression, I'm no closer to understanding me than I ever was. I'm a two year student of Psychology and I'm still no closer to solving my own mental issues than I was 10 years ago or 15 years ago. It's like depression is a cruel secret being kept within one's own mind and it can't be known.

Here's what I want to say, when I die I forbid mourning. I forbid sadness. I absolutely forbid anyone to hang their head and click their tongues as if to say, "what a tragedy, what a sad sad tragedy." I prefer it to be said, "Finally free, praise God, she's finally free". That's what death is, it's a release, it's freedom. I'm in a cage within myself. I'm trapped in this mind. I can't find the way out and it's dark in here. All of the light that I can find is artificial and the bulb is dim. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that when I'm dead, I'm going to finally see the brightest lights, the sharpest colors, feel a perfect breeze, understand the language of the birds, smell every single fragrance individually and at once, hear every note of every song played on every heavenly instrument but with perfect tone and timing and my soul will sing along with it. So, since this is what I believe will become of me, there's no reason for there to be any sadness. Why be sad if you know that someone is truly in that proverbial better place?

Great! Then it's settled.

THE MEANING OF THE CANDY CANE

"A CANDY MAKER'S WITNESS"

A candy maker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would be a witness, so he made the Christmas Candy cane. He incorporated several symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ.

He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy. White to symbolize the Virgin Birth and the sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock, the foundation of the Church, and the firmness of the promises of God.

The candy maker made the candy in the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to earth as our Savior. It could also represent the staff of the "Good Shepherd" with which He reaches down into the ditches of the world to lift out the fallen lambs who, like all sheep, have gone astray.

Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candy maker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received by which we are healed. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ on the cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life.

Unfortunately, the candy became known as a candy cane-a meaningless decoration seen at Christmas time. But the meaning is still there for those who "have eyes to see and ears to hear". I pray that this symbol will again be used to witness to the wonder of Jesus and His great love that came down at Christmas and remains the ultimate and dominant force in the universe today.

MERRY

CHRISTMAS