NO MOURNING ALLOWED

Well, it's been a few months since I started anti-depressants. While my feelings about suicide have gotten better and I rarely consider killing myself as I did before, I can't lie and say that I'm better and I feel like life is worth living for the first time in years.

Living with depression is life long, it doesn't get better and I've never been healed from it. I have good moments in life wherein I'm feeling okay in that moment and the depression is masked a bit, but it's always there, lurking beneath the surface. My thoughts are frequently drawn to the negative things in life and it's a constant struggle to stay on top of it. I'm battling, that's the word I was looking for. For the first time in my 45 years of life, I understand now that I'm fighting to stay alive.

I was contemplating suicide a lot when I first started this blog. I have the joy of the Lord and that's my strength and He's never failed me when I cry out to Him, but I believe He would understand if I lost this battle. He knows there are some things that I just can't endure. The prayer and the medication is helping but it's not fixing this. I abhor life just as much today as I ever have. I still lack the desire to be here. I still hate this world. With all the love I have for God, I have the same amount of hatred for this world.

Let me make this clear, IF someone reads this and feels compelled to speak to me....I'm not in need of a shoulder to cry on, I'm not that weak. I don't need to be reminded of all the beauty in the world yet to be seen, I'm not that blind. I don't need to be encouraged to remain alive for my kids and those who care about me, I'm not that selfish. This is depression alone and fortunately for me, it's not depression coupled with selfishness. If I've lived this long, I'm sure I'll survive the last years and go when God comes for me.

It's strange that after 45 years of depression, I'm no closer to understanding me than I ever was. I'm a two year student of Psychology and I'm still no closer to solving my own mental issues than I was 10 years ago or 15 years ago. It's like depression is a cruel secret being kept within one's own mind and it can't be known.

Here's what I want to say, when I die I forbid mourning. I forbid sadness. I absolutely forbid anyone to hang their head and click their tongues as if to say, "what a tragedy, what a sad sad tragedy." I prefer it to be said, "Finally free, praise God, she's finally free". That's what death is, it's a release, it's freedom. I'm in a cage within myself. I'm trapped in this mind. I can't find the way out and it's dark in here. All of the light that I can find is artificial and the bulb is dim. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that when I'm dead, I'm going to finally see the brightest lights, the sharpest colors, feel a perfect breeze, understand the language of the birds, smell every single fragrance individually and at once, hear every note of every song played on every heavenly instrument but with perfect tone and timing and my soul will sing along with it. So, since this is what I believe will become of me, there's no reason for there to be any sadness. Why be sad if you know that someone is truly in that proverbial better place?

Great! Then it's settled.

THE MEANING OF THE CANDY CANE

"A CANDY MAKER'S WITNESS"

A candy maker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would be a witness, so he made the Christmas Candy cane. He incorporated several symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ.

He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy. White to symbolize the Virgin Birth and the sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock, the foundation of the Church, and the firmness of the promises of God.

The candy maker made the candy in the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to earth as our Savior. It could also represent the staff of the "Good Shepherd" with which He reaches down into the ditches of the world to lift out the fallen lambs who, like all sheep, have gone astray.

Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candy maker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received by which we are healed. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ on the cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life.

Unfortunately, the candy became known as a candy cane-a meaningless decoration seen at Christmas time. But the meaning is still there for those who "have eyes to see and ears to hear". I pray that this symbol will again be used to witness to the wonder of Jesus and His great love that came down at Christmas and remains the ultimate and dominant force in the universe today.

MERRY

CHRISTMAS

LIFE IN A NUTSHELL

I'm just going to stop in a minute and do a little updating on life recently. It hasn't been exquisitely exciting but it hasn't been infuriatingly boring either.

School is going great, I finish the semester on the 9th and 10th with final exams in Philosophy and Sociology. Philosophy bored me to tears with it's open-ended questions and maddening theories of human nature, all of which argued the other. Sociology was interesting, I ate that up!! I did well in  both classes but it's now time to move forward so next semester it's World Civilization and Composition. 

My grandson is getting big, he just turned 2 in November. I still haven't seen the other grandson who's mother decided to take him away in the night. Who does such a thing after a grandmother has worked so hard to bond with her grandchild and be there for the young couple? Who just wisks him away in the night as if our bond means nothing? I still can't understand how she could have done this to little Ronnie and I, but it's done so there's nothing left but faith in God that He'll bring Ronnie back to me. I know for a fact the bond I forged can't be broken by any amount of time. He may not remember me, but he'll remember the love I imparted for that brief period of time and then he'll remember me in his spirit.

I finally got myself lined out with anti-depression medication and it has really helped a lot. My suicidal thoughts have almost vanished and I feel a sense of well-being. I still have a long way to go to truly be happy because it lurks beneath the surface at all times, but I'm on my way.

I'm still single, mainly because there's nobody in this entire state that doesn't say the word "perty". haha, just kidding, that's not why I'm still single but it does play a role. I just need some intellect in a partner and I seem to live in a part of the country where the men are oversexed, too much into mudding or southern rock bands, and have no interest in the person I am. I think it's a cultural thing. I've noticed stark contrasts in the mentality of men in the U.S. as opposed to men in the U.K. and other nations. I really don't care at this point because my faith isn't in the men, it's in the Maker of them.

God is still performing miracles in my life. Just when I grapple with Him because I feel He's failed me, He shows me that He doesn't have failure as a part of His personality or ambitions. He just takes good care of me in spite of my lack of deserving the things He does. I deserve up to a point but I can be so saucy with Him, I'm surprised He hasn't struck my mouth with a bolt of lightening just to seal the stupid thing shut for a minute. haha

I have a beautiful new God child....oh he's something! His name is Nathan and he lives with his adopting dad in the Philippines. He was offered to his dad because the mother had so many children and couldn't take care of one more. His daddy, my dear sweet friend, couldn't say no and took him without hesitation into his arms and heart. Nathan has thrived in his care. Incidentally, his daddy is a blogger, a blogger I met by following his blog. Carlo Magno is the name and taking pictures is his game. He's an extremely good photographer and captivated me with his images the moment I saw them. I've never ever been interested in photography or viewing photographs until I met someone who photographs from the heart, that's Carlo! Then we became friends and then Carlo "had a baby" and I was asked to be his Godmother. What an incredible honor! I only wish I was a rich woman because that baby would be showered with gifts from America!!!

Last but not least, my children! My oldest beautiful son, a.k.a. "Sunshine Boy", has finally achieved his life long dream of joining the field of law enforcement. He went through the police academy and earned his badge. He now works as a correction officer for the local jail. He'll work there for a time and then move to field work. As for my youngest son, a.k.a. "my little troubled one", he's somewhere living his life and finding himself and I'm just here loving him and praying for him, that whatever he's up to, be it good or bad, it's for a purpose and that God is bringing him through his valley to stand on the mountain. He has been trouble recently and I do worry a bit, but then I reflect on my own path and how God used every mistake I ever made to build character in me. He's brilliant and I trust Him with my son the same as He trusted me when He loaned the child to me to raise. It will all work out well.

Well, that's the update for now. I must go study for the finals!! God bless everyone who visits my blog!

...HAVE A JOKE ON ME!

Just a little joke to break up the monotony:

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. 

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. 

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." 

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. 

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

HOG PENS ARE A GOOD THING

When God created the world and all that's in it, He created man with free will but He wrote His word upon the hearts of men that we may know Him if we seek Him. Jesus never knocked and asked for entry, He was always sought and given a seat at one's table. The same thing applies in our lives today. Same concepts. We still have free will, we can still know Him if we seek Him, and He still doesn't force His way in.

My friend and I were discussing someone she knows who has been saved but seems to be enduring the "trials and tribulations" the Lord warned us of. My friend felt that she had the answer to what ails the young woman and her opinion was that the young woman just needed to get in church and be with other believers. I agree that she needs to surround herself with believers but I didn't agree that she'd necessarily find peace or resolve in church attendance. After I stated my opinion, I questioned myself, 'why would I think that?' God told me why, shortly after our conversation had ended.

God opened my memory for a while and allowed the things I did, places I went, and people I hung around to flood my mind. I remembered meeting Christ as a child and growing up with sparse interactions with Him. Mostly, I'd be forced to go to church when I stayed the night with a friend whose parents were church goers and those were the house rules. The thing God wanted me to see the most was that I wasn't meant to get saved and stick to His side like a scared untrusting child. I was meant to live my life.

Once I was the Lord's, "nothing could pluck me from His hand" and my time to wander into the world and make my mistakes was upon me. The entire point of knowing God but having an earthly existence is to live, learn, and make mistakes so that you learn to build your faith...to lean on God. 

I myself ventured out and lived in the "hog pens" of the world. When God called me back for restoration (like the prodigal son), He found me chin-deep in the hog pens. What that meant for others around me who would be struggling the same as I had was a testimony of miraculous change for which they could rely on as a God-given truth, an encouraging word to let them know there's hope, the realization that God never leaves us, nor does He refuse to forgive. I was meant to acquire my testimony so that I could share it for good reason at the right time, just like I heard someone share their's for good reason and at the right time for me.

My friend and I talked a bit and I told her all of this, to which she listened attentively and thoughtfully. We changed the subject thereafter but I knew my friend understood that her friend would have to venture into the world, fall into a few hog pens, get very dirty, but once God's plans for her life had been accomplished in that, He would reach in and pull her from the pit, clean her up, and set her before others to share of the miraculous things He had done for her. Possibly at a time when she thought she was unforgivable.

We have to let one another make mistakes. We have to trust that God is building the faith of our brothers and sisters through their trials and tribulations and that the motivation should never be us trying to tie them to a church bench and expect that to keep them from suffering. We're meant to suffer with Christ. We're meant to use those times to build our faith in God. We're meant to find, through our trials, that God never left us nor forsook us and that He forgives His foolish children, like any good parent would.