HI Y'ALL, DROPPIN' A LINE

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Hi y'all,

I just wanted to stop in and touch base a little since I haven't blogged in the last couple of weeks. School is a priority right now and there's little time for thinking outside of the box.

On a happy note, I'm healthy and happy and the Lord continues to reveal His grace and mercies in a myriad of ways daily. The fact that my old car starts and has gotten me to every class and every important appointment is a miracle of His hand. The fact that I am still mobile after such a harsh physical punishment to my body over the years is a miracle. The fact that the friends I have are so awesome (in real life and the blogosphere) is a miracle.

My children are healthy and happy. My grandson is healthy and already walking before his first birthday. Those little cautious steps where he just stands there and balances while carefully weighing his options before deciding to take the step is one of the most beautiful and adorable things I've ever seen. He's the light of my life these days.

One of the most wonderful experiences I've had in the last few weeks is the revelation that God loves me for being true to myself and genuine before His beloved face. He has no doubt that I am as transparent as can be. How do I know I am? Because the things I tell Him, no man would except me for. I can tell Him the things that shame me the most. The things I wish I could hide from even myself. He loves that about me and I can sense His good pleasure in me because instead of feeling lowly and ashamed for my confessions, I feel free and elated. It's as if He just pats me on the back and says, "there there daughter, I love you anyway...I understand and we'll sort this out together." You know the thing I'm talking about, right?...that agape love that leaves you knowing you're loved unconditionally, as well as being loved in a way that no human being can ever love you.

Hence, and heretofore, I declare peace and joy is here with me in the form of the Lord in Spirit and He sends great love to you all! See you soon!

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THE NEVER ENDING STORY..

Oh my gosh!!! Guess who this post is going to be about? Jehovah's witnesses....I know I know....calm down! I felt the same shock when I realized it. Of course my shock was much greater than yours since mine happened when I peeled back the front door curtain to see them standing on my porch...early in the morning....waking me up! There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. It was too late. They had spotted me like a lion spots a meal in the African bush. Nothing but dry parched flat land to lope across in a desperate attempt to escape! At least in Africa the meal has some bushes to dart in and out of in an attempt to save it's own life. For me, there's no hope accept to face this beast eye to eye. So here's what I did....ready for this.....I told them to come back later! (chuckle now, it's okay).

Seriously though, I had no options but to ask them to leave because they woke me and I was kind enough to spare them my wrath. I told my friend, Sateigdra of "Fact, Fiction, and Faith! " this horror story in another blog post comment but it's good enough for us all. After all, we are brothers and sisters in Christ and Father says y'all gotta whine with me.....okay...He says, "bear ye one another's burdens," but it's the same thing.

So, if you're interested, the first blog post about their visits is down in the stack somewhere but not too far because the first visit was the beginning of this past spring and fall is setting in. Then on this page their last visit is chronicled before this one. So, this is an unfolding story. I'll try to make it quick. 

I met Ben and his friends. He's very young. In retrospect I believe he was a trainee in the field when I met him with an elder on my porch. He came back many times bringing another young person with him, always lovely young women, and the last visit he brought an older woman...very robust and confident of her facts. Enough to debate me at every turn and tax my patience with it. The last time they visited, I gave Ben my phone number and in her presence asked him to use it to call ahead because their constant uninvited visits were becoming annoying and consuming my time. I was trying to be nice. But Mr. Ben gave my phone number to that woman at some juncture after they left here that day. She called me before her visit and asked when would be a good time to come and visit with me. I was in bed so I didn't answer that call. So guess what she did? Yep! She showed up anyway and woke me up. I am a student and I study into the wee hours. It's 4:30 a.m. right now and I have only just put my math book down. When I go to bed, I do not want to be woke.

Here's where the story ends, as I simply pulled the curtain back and found her...that woman. So, I simply told her to come back some other time because she had woke me up. I didn't even bother to open the door.

Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to have to do that to someone? I'm not that kind of person. As we see, the reason they return is because I'm cordial and hospitable. But now, they've blown it. Ben handing my number off without my consent is unacceptable. Her calling but getting no reply and showing up anyway is unacceptable. It's time that I act! Lord give me the strength to break their tiny little thread, thereby cutting them loose. And may You be with all of their victims.

...BUT BE OF GOOD CHEER ✞

Sadness is to be expected. I have a hard time with that. I have a hard time knowing if this sadness is part of the depression I have, or my lot in life. The Bible mentions one's lot and so I tend to wonder about it often. Did God set this pace for me before I was born? Did He have other plans for me but my mother's emotional unavailability caused me to grow up to become this? I know that all things will be revealed someday but I sure could use some answers now.

Most people are able to cope with the slightest anxiety or disruption to their joy. I, on the other hand, have a time with it beyond what I can endure sometimes. An example would be the week I took a math quiz and found out upon completing it that I had added all of my polynomials instead of multiplying them. Hence, I made a 70 which is way below my ability and it caused me so much stress and anxiety that I burst into tears in front of my entire class. I couldn't cope with the thought of not getting that "A" which I had studied all week for. I see other students fail and they just give a hardy "darn". Why can't I just say "darn"?

This blog post will be my vent. I'll pour out here for no reason except that it's my blog and I can say whatever I want. I want to say this. I want to say that I'm sad. A lot. Deep in my soul is a light that God has placed in me, but I can't reach it whenever I want, and when I do it's only briefly. Is everyone else like that? Does anyone else feel like sadness plagues them more than their joy? If not, how? How do you be happy all the time? What do you say to yourself to make yourself happy? Do you tell yourself that all is well all the time or, do you convince yourself that nothing really matters because it's not in our hands anyway? 

Lately, my prayers don't get past the ceiling. I say them but they're not warm and full of love and light. I feel like I say them to try to get God to hear me but they don't turn His head. I'm struggling today to feel warmth and light. I'm just mad at so many things going wrong and I'm so confused because, it's been this way for me all my life. I've never been wealthy. I've never had things in life handed to me. It's never seemed easy. My children worry me, I've lost two grandsons (one to murder and one due to his mother leaving the state with him). The only man I ever loved has left this world and I am alone in it. Is this called "woe is me"? I just want to know where the trials and tribulations end and the depression begins because it all blends together. I wish I could explain depression to someone who doesn't have it but wishes they understood. It's like being on one end of the spectrum or the other at the drop of a hat. One tiny thing can push the depressed person over into sadness, so imagine what many things happening at once can do. Most of the time I just put one foot in front of the other and trust the Lord. He hasn't failed me and I have to tell the world that. This isn't God abandoning me. I see that He holds my hand and carries me a lot. I know He's with me or I would have left this life behind a long time ago.

I think this is the fire we all must be tried in, the oven that gets so hot sometimes we cry out and tell the Lord that we can't take anymore. Everyone has to be tried and go through their process of refinement. Those of you who are in tune with the Lord will understand what I mean and how that process works. He never gives us more than we can bear. This is the absolute truth because I've cried out to Him many times that I couldn't stand anymore suffering. Suddenly, without warning, the "heat" would be turned down, or the door cracks and is slightly ajar in the oven of life and the "heat" escapes. I am able to see beyond the flames and there standing on the other side is the Lord and He's waiting to greet me when I come through. But He's there nonetheless. He hasn't just shoved us into the situation and left us there to burn to our spiritual death. He knows it's hard, and even harder for some than others. He knows how high the "heat" should be and He knows how long we need to be in it in order for us to become something better than we were. When I fight through a situation I find myself feeling sometimes devastated and completely without control. I feel frustrated and fed up and many times, as depression dictates, I cry for the time to end. Now, for those of you who want to tell me that I'm not supposed to accept depression and it's not God's will, and all of those nice thoughts about a perfect life, I have to disagree with that. There is great worth and value in these things no matter how confusing they may be. God is able to be glorified through the very things that some preachers are telling people aren't supposed to be happening. But I say yes, they are supposed to be happening, for His glory! What kind of diamond doesn't go through the process to become beautiful, cut, and with exact clarity? What kind of stone doesn't get polished before it's set where it will be beautiful to behold? What kind of instrument sounds sweet in it's holding case instead of in the hands of the master who plays it with skill? We weren't meant to sit here in perfection and live the good life without these things, for that would serve to change nothing.

The world understands sadness and God understands us. While I love the faith of a Pentecostal church as they lay hands on one another and receive miracles, the truth is that we're not meant to live a life that doesn't include the trials and tribulations. While I admire any and all faith-filled brothers and sisters, I see nothing in the Bible that backs up the preaching that it's "not God's will that we should have trials and tribulations...it's not from God." I see that it plainly tells us that "In this world, ye shall have trials and tribulations but be of good cheer for I have over come the world." I see all evidence of that. Small miracles happen all of the time and I can't deny the fact that they're too wonderful and miraculous to be random coincidence. 

As the world travails, the Lord prepares His arrival. We see that the end of times is upon us. One can hardly deny the things happening line up with the Scriptures. I worry incessantly that I'm not prepared. That I'm wrong to assume God's grace is the place to cast my shortcomings and that I should be as pious as possible and work for it. Even though that goes against everything I believe I read in the scriptures, there's still a little voice (which could be the enemy drawing me off the path of truth) telling me to "be better". I tell you that I'm as good as I get unless the Lord works a miracle.

A miracle has already occurred. While I was typing this post, I wept. I felt overwhelming sadness. I thought of my sisters in Christ that come to my blog and always leave a faith-filled comment, Sateigdra, Brenda, and Monica. I thought of these ladies and the more I typed and thought of them the more warmth and light I began to feel. As I sit and type out the end of this post, I feel so much better, as if the three of them have surrounded me with God's love. See, God already made the way for this moment by bringing those three faith-filled women into my life. I know that they'll each have a powerful word of hope, faith, and love to share with me and the world in their comments (God-willing that they're able) and I feel it already. God was here, just like I said He was. I came through this moment of refinement where I began by feeling hopeless, and now I've learned something completely new. If you know someone faith-filled, sometimes that's enough to give peace. I know that I'm not alone.(◡‿◡✿)

DEAR VISITORS...

Dear Jehovah's Witnesses,

I received another visit from your associates this morning! For the sake of a more comfortable read, I will be referring to your associate/church members as "you" throughout this text. I always welcome a visit from those who believe in the Lord and so I don't have any issues with your congregational members visiting. If we all agree that God is Lord and no other, than we are close to being in agreement about many a good thing.

I really just wanted to touch on a few things that I find interesting and may be confusing at the same time. I would really like to know on which scripture you base your incessant door-knocking? I suppose, "take the gospel to all four corners of the earth." I see, that's a good thing for sure. However, I've noticed that instead of being well-received by a lost and dying world, you're unwelcome and unwanted almost entirely. I know that's not supposed to be such a surprise since the Bible already tells us that, "if they hate you, know that that they hated me first," and also, "you shall be persecuted for my name's sake." So that's been explained, I suppose.

You were outwardly surprised that I knew anything about the Bible this morning. Why would a total stranger be under the impression that I shouldn't know the things of the Kingdom just because you're knocking on my door instead of approaching me in the temple/church/synagogue? You said that you could see I had "actually read and studied God's word and know some real Biblical truths."

In the collectivistic co-culture of religion/faith, we should never allow ethnocentricism to factor into our thoughts or discussions as it can have a tendency to divide one group from another. You seemed to have the automatic assumption that your denomination gave you some kind of higher place in the world and thus, I was beneath you in some way to the degree that in your mind, you had already presumed I would need Biblical enlightenment. Okay, that could be something about just that one person. Or, it could be part of your teachings. After all, you knock on people's doors to give to them what you assume the person doesn't already have. God, faith, and/or belief.

God never called us to disrupt people's lives to share the gospel. In fact, He specifically put it in writing that "no man comes except he be drawn by the Spirit." I even told you that the Apostle Paul himself said that if he didn't have the Holy Spirit, "I have become a tinkling cymbal and a sounding brass." My exact words were, "if you don't come in the Spirit to a person being drawn, then you're just making noise and that's all they hear." But that truth seemed to fly right over your head. You were convinced that talking at people about religion is going to sway them to believe.

Finally, I would like to remind you that the gospel is for the lost. The good news is for those who don't know that they can have a helper, a Savior, peace, and guidance in these hard times. Returning to my house is a waste of the time you're putting into the deed you feel you are called to do. I have the gift of Salvation and have been baptized in the Spirit. The evidence is in the fact that while I spoke of the Kingdom, you held your tongue and listened intently, as the Bible says in Acts 6:10, "They were unable to resist the wisdom and the spirit by which he[she] spake." In fact, it was the only time you were not interrupting me. If I spoke of mundane things, you interrupted but when I spoke of the Kingdom, you fell silent throughout. Romans 8:16 tells us "The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God." If you couple that with "you shall know them by their fruits," then there shouldn't remain too awful many questions about whether I need to know God or not. I couldn't stop talking about Him this morning. What I'm trying to say with that is, we are Christians believing in the same God and having the same spirit who "works all in all," hence, we should know each other in a relatively short amount of time. I have always been able to sense the Spirit in someone, for I know my Jesus when I see Him.
 
Thanks for coming by guys, but I encourage you to know what Jesus' finished work on the cross is about. It's not about deeds and doing, but freedom and salvation. You can rest and let Him guide your paths.



Sincerely,


Already Saved!  ✞

WE WILL NEVER FORGET!

Warning: Actual footage from terrorist attacks on 9/11/01.

Today is a sad day for my country, but it's also a day to remember the love we have in our hearts one for another. Today we remember the events of September 11, 2001. A day wherein a small band of hate-filled religious zealots following their Muslim faith murdered 3,000 people on an otherwise ordinary day.

On this day 11 years ago, men who believe in the letter of the religious law carried out a diabolical and evil attack on the citizens of the United States. They boarded our planes and usurped authority over the pilots, crew, and passengers. They wrought fear and terror. So sure were they that their deed was blessed by Allah (their god) that they gave their own lives for their cause.

There's so much confusion as to why anyone would feel this much hate for another nation of people that it's not explainable. We can't explain the evil but we can explain the love that caused the first responders to rise up and take immediate action. We can explain the love that caused those people on one flight to attack their attackers, thereby causing the plane to crash in a field instead of in a neighborhood or into another building. We can explain the thousands of people that risked their own lives to save their co-workers that day. We can explain the love that carried people to their tasks and duties, their sacrifices and acts of kindness that saved others. Most of them died while saving total strangers.

The Bible describes the father of evil as the author of all confusion. When I can't sort something out in my mind, I know that it's not from God. After 11 years and 11 memorial speeches, I still can not sort it out. Why they hated us this much will always be one big question mark in my mind.

Moving past those who hated us and to the ones that loved another, I find complete peace and solace. I think of the fathers that didn't come home to their families that day because they gave their lives to save the father of another family, and although it's a tragedy in someone's life, it's a form of love that floods my soul and makes me smile.

What I see mostly coming from this tragedy was the unity and love that Americans showed. Although this country has become a nation of many religions and many atheists, those were not elements of any discussion on that day in the midst of the events. Nobody was trying to figure out if they should act or not based on their faith or lack thereof. I couldn't help but see Jesus move in so many ways. In the past 11 years, I have heard many stories from people trapped in the towers. One man, I recall, told the story of seeing someone in the smoke bidding him to come and when he obeyed, that "person" subsequently led him to an exit he could not otherwise find. But that person was never identified or seen again. The interesting thing is that the man says he doesn't believe it was a person at all, but rather an angel. Many people that day believe they saw angels leading them through the thick black smoke to safety. Some people felt comfort coming from sources they didn't understand. God was there that day! His peace was with many people and His arms encircled those who weren't going to come out. I firmly believe that heaven was a very busy place that day. There was much to do and the skies were full of more than smoke, but filled with souls transitioning between this life and the one they were embarking on anew.

That day changed my life. I have never been able to look at the footage without sobbing. I feel it all over again. I lament with my people but I triumph with them as well. Our love overcame the terrorists hate. Praise God for that!!

In closing, I thank God that He was supreme in our hearts. I thank Him for the many lives He spared and for the courage He gave others to sacrifice. As for me, I will never forget!