TO THEE BE THE GLORY, OH GOD!!

I'm sorting through all of this. ("This" being the recent events in my life per the last post entitled "Broken"). It's only fair to give God glory, for today He has revealed His presence and allowed me to know that He's with me. I'm coming through. 

A good representation of that would be the one line post I was able to write which is now growing into this new post. 

I had company today...guess who? Guess again! Yep...Jehovah's Witnesses. Ben, himself. Prior posts revealed Ben's first and second visit to me. Today was his third and through this visit I found myself able to smile and serve as hostess to my guests. I felt no dread at having company, despite their having showed up before my beauty regimen :-)

I intend this post to reveal that God has strengthened me to go on. Two tragic hits at once are a lot for the common man. I do not consider my Christian heritage as making me common, however.

As we sat and discussed the few issues brought up, I had no thoughts haunting me. Thoughts of my Ron or my little Ronnie. Only thoughts of my Jesus were floating around my head. I wanted to talk about Isaiah chapter 52 & 53 which reveals that Christ was not a good-looking man. And why would He be? It's too easy to crowd around the beautiful people. Why do people swoon over Brangelia (Brad Pitt and Angelia Jolie)? It's not because they repulse us. Ben and his friend didn't seem to believe what the scriptures say.

"...his visage was marred more than any man, and his form more than the sons of men." Is. 52:14."...he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him (note the word "shall") there's no beauty that we should desire him." Is. 53:2.

I could go into greater detail on this subject but why? You can see the words for yourself. There's no other way to interpret this. We could attribute all of this particular scripture to the coming events and that He was marred and afflicted after being beaten so badly, however, there's one more verse that I feel sets the tone for this Biblical fact, "He shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of the dry ground:" Is. 53:1. Then is verse 2 which states, "He has no form nor comeliness...that we should desire Him." He grew up this way. It was by design. Otherwise it might have been said that people were drawn to Christ because of His outward beauty.

It's important to know the truth. "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." John 8:32. How is this statement applicable to our lives? Above all else is the knowledge of who Jesus was, and is, and how we DON'T compare to Him in our knowledge. The truth that makes me free is that we are vain creatures and if God was like us, He would have given our Jesus form of comeliness that we should desire Him. Think about that. "...no form nor comeliness that we should desire Him." Look at the truth revealed in that one scripture. That we, mankind, desire that which is beautiful to look upon, and that which isn't, does not hold our attention nor draw us to it. Therefore, Christ must have been endued with the things of the Spirit, because that's what is important in drawing men unto Himself.

How were those of us 2,000 years later supposed to be drawn to a beautiful man? A man we can't see? God already made the way by equipping Christ with the things of the Spirit so we could be drawn to His deity and not some beautiful face, which would have faded with age and time. The age of 33 is old enough to begin showing age and weathering.

One more thing, I would like someone to tell me what they know about the Jehovah's Witnesses. I want to know why they keep coming to the house of someone who obviously isn't lost and is able to demonstrate a knowledge of her Lord and Savior, as well as demonstrating love...the primary thing among us. I have welcomed them always but with so little time to do God's work, why spend precious little of it at the house of the saved and not in the world with the lost? This is confusing to me. 

Something else that I found odd. If only one of them had done this, I might not have thought anything of it, but they both did it. I had a letter sitting on my coffee table bound for the box in the morning. Ben looks at it and says, "that's a thick letter." I said, "That's because it's a printed document and not a handwritten letter on notebook paper." His friend reaches over and picks up my mail and begins turning it over in her hands and bouncing it as if to test the weight. She then passes it to Ben who makes his remarkable comments and then sets it down and they begin discussing postage with me. Then, he starts shifting the books around on my coffee table and digging through them. They aren't magazines, but my personal journals. I found this behavior to be quite odd. Now, I'm not mad or judging but where I come from we don't handle other people's belongings in their homes. Very odd.

I asked Ben what brings him and he said, "we just want to share what we've learned about the Bible with you." That's cool. I can appreciate that. I can appreciate God sending other believers to me at a time in my life when I'm not feeling like myself 100%. It all matters.

I'll end here and say, 'My Father which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, to thee be the glory for all thou hast done for me, your humble and devoted servant, for truly there is but one set of footprints in the sands of my life.' 

God is applying the salve. The peace is beginning to flow. To Him be the glory.

BROKEN

This is a sad day for me. This is a very sad day. I want to pour this out because I don't wish to hold it tight to my heart where it could burn through to my soul. There are two factors governing my depressive state right now. The recent report of a motorcycle accident that claimed the life of the only man I ever loved came first. But as I  began to mourn Ron, the love of my life, another tragic blow. I must live knowing I won't see my grandchild anymore as she has cut ties and forbidden me from contacting her for a visit. Ron, a man who raised my son in place of his own dad, left a love print on the hearts of myself and my sons and so therefore, my son gave his son the name. Ronnie.

Ron and I met, fell in love, began our lives, lived our lives, and our lives ended together as he was unable to be a husband, father, and a drug free citizen. He made the choice to remain behind with the drugs while my children and I moved forward. But, he tried to quit his habits and came to where we were. Within months he was begging me to let him at least smoke pot. It was our struggle..me fighting him to keep him sober and him resenting me the whole way. Eventually, after another two year battle, we separated and divorced. Within another 2 years, I came home one day to hear his voice on my answering machine and our lives together began all over. However, true to form, he brought with him that which he carried everywhere, his addiction. I left with a heavy heart one last time. I left with nothing bad to say about him. I could only love him. He was a rock that I broke myself upon. When I made the final decision to move on and never look back, it was a decision I made with one thought on my mind...'leave now while you can still love him.' As he faded away from my life, he still kept coming to me..in my dreams. Every week. Week after week. Dream after dream. I studied to understand what it meant. My only answer was that I loved him still and could not stop it from being so. So it was that my love for him remained for the years that passed. I never remarried or ever lived with a man. I saw him last 3 years ago. In my driveway where he had found me...again. He always found me. The last words he spoke to me were, "I love you babes." He came to me in my dream last night but for the first time, I couldn't see him. He's gone.


Can I say all of this with expression? I think not. I don't think my one human heart can hold it and so therefore, I've displaced it somehow and embraced it all at the same time. This is how I will cycle through my emotions and eventually overcome.

I have been blessed with two grandchildren within three months of one another. Beautiful and healthy, blessed and wanted.

Three months ago my son separated from his new wife as well as his new son who stays with his mother. As a form of punishment to my son she has cut all ties with the family. She has told me tonight that I am not to contact her asking to see my beloved grandchild. I have been forbidden and he has been withheld. I'm broken.

This is deeply personal and wholly tragic. I want it noted that I love both of my grandchildren the same and feel no difference between them. However, their parents are not at all the same. One son is distant and one is close. Ronnie's dad is distant. Nonetheless, I've waited the lifetime of each of my children to meet their first born. I waited anxiously for nine months to greet them and welcome them into the world. I wanted desperately for my face to be one of the first they saw. I am considered a proud grandmother.

I was given months to bond with Ronnie. I kept him many nights and cherished every moment. I worked diligently to enrich his environment when he was in my care. I'm the typical grandmother. I drove in the night to take them diapers. I bought special bottles...$11 a piece. That's a lot of money for one baby bottle. But it was special and would help him to eat happily. I just didn't want him to be uncomfortable for even a moment.

He is a beautiful Gerber looking child. Big beautiful round eyes, flawless beautiful skin, chubby and pink. I adore him, I adore them both. But I don't have to miss my Liam. I get to "seeum my Liam" (as I quip at visit time)  nearly every week and my precious child sees to our visits with diligence. Thank you Gage!!

When the two of them (my son and his wife) separated, there was a time span forming. I was very afraid that too much time without a visit and Ronnie would forget me. I set about the task of keeping myself connected to him. I had a tiny inkling that she might take a spiteful route but I wouldn't let myself believe that she would go this far to hurt my son. It's the old benefit of the doubt scenario.

She is a good mother. She's patient and attentive and I never worried about her ability to care for Ronnie. She demonstrated her capabilities and want for his utmost of care. But this is the one area she fails in. What is important for a child is that he is surrounded by as many people that love him as is possible. The more love poured into a child, the more love they will pour out. But she has lost sight of this for her anger and hurt. My son hurt her. I understand. But I can't find the reason or explanation suitable for telling the child's grandmother that she is not to make contact anymore. I wasn't given an explanation or even told in person. It was sent via text. This makes my third week in a row of contacting her to see Ronnie. The last time I saw him was on the day she came to retrieve the items she had stored in my spare bedroom. I could feel something in the air. She hugged me very long before leaving. Something she has never done, in three years. It felt like a "goodbye."

The short end of a long story is that although I made her promise that I would get to see Ronnie no matter what happened between her and my son, she broke the promise. I was given 45 minutes to visit with Ronnie 3 weeks ago when last I saw him, at which time her dad made an excuse of an imaginary (and very convenient) emergency that needed his attention, and that was the end of that. She whisked Ronnie away. The next week, I  contacted her but it was never returned. So, again, this week I make contact to request a visit. Never have I been so humble in asking something of someone that has been so unkind to me. My request was promptly denied and I was told...and I quote, "...don't you ever call or text my phone again."

Only God can see me through this heartache. Only He can help me not to question all of this until I drive myself insane. Only God can bring peace and calm the storm and so therefore, I'll wait upon Him. In the meantime, I'm grateful for this place, this blog. I want to pour this out. I want the world to know that love is a beautiful thing when it's given and received with a pure heart.  They say that when a soul leaves this world, a child is born in it's place. I wonder if it's possible for the child to be born before the soul leaves. In this case 7 months before. I don't truly believe that. I can't be held responsible for anything I might say right now that sounds far-fetched, dreamy, or fantastic. Forgive me.

As I end this saying, I have no other words for it. I'm broken. My hope now rests in the Lord's understanding and compassion. He will repair my heart and I will go on. All for your glory Father!! Let me to testify as to your love and goodness and the healing salve you apply to the hearts of the broken!!

NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

I would to God that every atheist had eyes to see and ears to hear. I have found myself desperate at times to convince an individual that God exists. All I have is my testimony, and the devil has already gone before me and worked on each person to stall our attempts at convincing them. He knew we were coming and he has months or may be years of conditioning that has left the battle nearly futile for a Christian.

I have had conversations with atheists wherein they have armed themselves with some serious statistics, scientific evidence, sources, etc., of why God couldn't possibly exist. They do a very good job of convincing me that what they say is true. I don't believe a word of it but it's convincing information and if it weren't for my own eyewitness testimony, it's possible that I be swayed. If I didn't have a good foundation in Christ, I could possibly be swayed to the dark side. That's what it takes to stave off the devil. A foundation in Christ.

I was in church for so long until the religion quenched the Spirit and I could take no more. I had to get free because, "whom the Son has made free is free indeed." I struggled so much with the Sunday morning rituals. God held me fast and firm to those rituals, but only for my benefit and future form, until the day arrived that He knew me to be strong enough to stand without the congregation I was a part of. And stand I have. I still don't fully understand but it's not for me to question. "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." Philippians 2:12. (a verse I cling to when it's time to break out of bondage).

Without that foundation, I would have crumbled under the weight of the natural world. But it had little impact at all the first few Sundays I missed church. I'm the same devout Christian I was while attending regularly. I'm still fully persuaded that there's a heaven and a hell and I still "seek out the Kingdom of God first" and rely fully on the promise that "all other things will be added to me." Luke 12:31.

When someone tells me there's no God, I have to ask them, "so if you were on your death bed and knew not what awaits you when you've breathed your last breath, you would kick the praying man out of your room at that instant in favor of the uncertainty of nothingness?" I get blank stares. It's not something anyone ever thinks about. Being on their death bed, there's almost always time for a priest to be called. I can't think of hearing one tale where the individual said, "no, don't try to get my soul into heaven..a place of joy and peace. Leave this room and let me face an uncertain place or worse."


Can we convince the atheistic mind that there's a God that loves them? I guess that depends on the persons life story. Someone raised under the oppression of a religious sect or cult might not be swayed. Fear is the likely reason. Fear that they'll be put back in the place of oppression and held to a ritualistic standard they cannot bear to adhere to. Proof that religion oppresses. But someone who just doesn't know what to believe has an open mind. There's hope for everyone but especially one with an open mind and a questioning heart.

How can we reach them though? I'm going to say something controversial and what most Christians of today's church won't agree with. We are not supposed to walk up to anyone and confront them with their sins. We were not meant to shove the gospel down the sinner's throat, as is supposed by some. We were meant to model a Christ-like behavior and that behavior is supposed to represent a strength and joy that can't be found in the natural. People are drawn to the light. Like a moth to a flame.

We were not meant to be sitting in a church building pretending to be pious and righteous. We were not meant to tote our Bibles from door to door. We were not meant to dress a certain way or to speak without flaw. These things are not a model of Christ. Perhaps not using foul language comes closer than any of it but the other details of our Christian life are not to be modeled using such "antics." "For if Abraham were justified by works, he hath whereof to glory; but not before God." Romans 3:2.

Where was Christ most of His life? Walking the streets, meeting folks as they were drawn to Him, and sharing His heart and love with them. Not once will you find an account of Jesus pounding on someone's door at dinner time saying, "Hi, can I share the gospel with you?" Not once did He (in all His ministry) EVER say, "get to church." He only ever said, "go your way" Luke 10:3. Or as He said to the woman with the alabaster box, "Thy faith hath saved thee, go in peace." Luke 7:50. He said the same thing to the lady who touched the hem of His robe. In Luke 10:3 he tells His disciples, "Go your ways..." What does "go your way" mean? It means, go on with your life, carry on. God doesn't change our hearts after saving us only to expect our good deeds to manifest for all mankind to see. Our righteousness is inherited through salvation and a relationship with His Son. "...Abraham believed God and it was counted unto him for righteousness." Romans 4:3. "Even as David also describes the blessedness of the man, unto who God imputes righteousness without works." Romans 4:6. 


Note: to substantiate this fact of Jesus using this phrase repeatedly, read all red letter words in the new testament and you will see just how often He says, "go thy way."

It pains me to watch certain religions go door to door selling Jesus. By "selling" I mean that they try to tell you why you need Him and what He can do for you. Sort of like a Kirby Vacuum Cleaner salesman. This isn't what we're called to do. We are to represent Jesus in a loving outpouring of Spiritual gifts. My grandson has upper respiratory problems right now and I just love him so much that I simply lay hands on him every time he comes and allow faith to flow. I thank God for healing him and wait for the manifestation. I pour out the love of the gift. I help where and when I can, however, if I help someone that's not an open invitation by the Holy Spirit to say, "if you're having sex with your boy/girlfriend then it's a sin and you need to repent and be saved."

The word of God is to be shared in a loving way. The word of God has no impact if it isn't shared with love. When Jesus did the sermon on the mount, do you think He stood there and shook His finger in the faces of men? No. He spoke with authority and enlightened them. The key to His success with the open-hearted of His day was that He demonstrated a love for the people by over-extending Himself or sacrificing of Himself. He poured out from a place within Himself that could only be refilled by the Holy Spirit. A gift of renewal and revival. HALLELUJAH!

There are those who will be confronted on the streets by a zealot eager to "win" as many souls to Jesus as possible, but how many of those folks accepted Christ with a true heart and not from a place of annoyance? How affective can you be at leading the lost to Christ if you bug them at the end of a long hard work day as they sit down for supper..(either at home or in a restaurant)? And doesn't the Bible say, "Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit saith the Lord of hosts"? Zechariah 4:6. That means not by your actions or your hand or your strength or your doing, but by the power of My Spirit within you. I've said this before...I can't "do" anything right. And it's not expected of me to.

Let me try to put it in a nutshell. My job, as a Christian, is to model the Lord Jesus. I am to sacrifice when ever I can or someone needs it of me. I'm to sacrifice in big and small ways but I'm not to begrudge it lest it be a blemished sacrifice and unworthy to be accepted. I am to live my life with Christ as the center of my heart...not my mind. He can't be the center of my heart if He's the center of my mind instead. How do we know if He's in the right center? If you spend more time thinking up ways to serve Him, then you're not on the right track. If doing things makes you feel like you are a good Christian, then you're mistaken and ill-informed. Our righteousness is not found in these things. It's found in Christ and Christ in us. It's an inherited righteousness. It's not anything that can be acquired through work. The church today has turned into a place of offering as a means to righteousness. In other words, "if I give money to Lottie Moon offering (or whatever cause your church supports) then I'm making God happy and I'll have an extra big mansion in heaven." That's just not true. Who wants a bigger mansion anyway? It's just more to clean. (just a little joke)

"Religious" is the word that Jesus used to describe the Scribes and the Pharisees. The Scribes and the Pharisees were the pompous arrogant priestly types of His day that desired the best seats and the long outward prayers for the show that Jesus warned His disciples against. "Woe unto you, Pharisees! for you love the uppermost seats in the synagogues..." Luke 11:43. He warned them (and subsequently us) not to be like them. Seeking out the best for ourselves and making show of ourselves in front of men, as if that makes us good in His sight. Their tongues were close to God but their hearts were far from Him. God knew this because He judges the hearts of men, not the words and deeds. Remember how Jesus spoke to them in Mark chapter 7? He rails on them and specifically mentions their traditions that they have chosen in place of God's commandments. These things they do. Washing their cups and hands before they eat as if they thought what went into their bodies defiled them and that they could not be defiled if they washed the outward man first. But Jesus told them, "For laying aside the commandment of God, you hold the tradition of men as the washing of pots and cups." Mark 7:8. Then He tells them in vs. 20, "that which comes out of the man, that defiles the man."

Any atheist can pay good money in church. Any evil person can pretend to love. Any human being can make an outward show for the eyes of others so as to portray themselves to be pious and good. None of this earns us favor with God. We are to love and forgive, and show compassion, and leave the judgements up to God.

Jesus railed further on the Scribes and the Pharisees for their actions and how they taught others to behave certain ways as if it made them righteous. He told them in Mark 7:12-13, "you suffer him no more to do good for his father or mother; making the word of God of none affect through your tradition." When I think of the traditions that are still being adhered to in the churches today, I worry about this very thing and how it's making the word of God of none affect. Telling us that we're commanded to give tithes. I've studied this extensively and all I find with regards to this is a man in the old testament vowing to give a tenth part of all he has to honor God. It's his offering and not a commandment. Jesus too never touted such a thing. He simply made a reference as to the lady with the mite who gave all she had and was therefore remembered for it. But it was her great sacrifice and the quiet way she went about it that He was impressed with. Not her big show and the mighty dollar she gave.

The end of my saying is this, we must follow as we're led. But who leads you and who do you follow? What doctrine do you adhere to and is it asking of you that which requires your much doing and outward show? Make sure that if you go to church it's because you find a peace from it or a joy in the meeting for the purpose of corporate worship. If you go because the thought that plagues you is, "what will they think of me if I'm not there?" then perhaps you've lost sight of the reason we join together to worship Jesus. Man isn't our creator nor should he be given place in our worship. Jesus came to abolish religion. He came to sacrifice that which would save all of mankind. We have to do nothing but accept it. We don't work for it, we can't fix it if it's broken, or change it. It is what it is. It comes just the way God planned for it to. There's no assembly required.

TO INHERIT THE GLORY

Why do people become addicted? I find this answer to be quite simple. Because the weight of our humanity is a burden not easily bore. For Christians, it's heavier than for most. For, we know where we will go when we die which makes the knowledge of what we endure of greater weight. The stories abound of this place called "Paradise," stories told by people who have died and lived to return with assurance of a wonderful release waiting for those who believe in the Son of God. Thus, the flesh and it's reality is a heavy weight to be drug around like a body-sized millstone.

When we are in this flesh, it's a coffin. We are encased in this tiny capsule of anguish. The bones begin to creak, the teeth begin to decay, the sight and hearing begins to dim. We struggle against the impending doom. It's a slow decline and we feel all of it taking place. It doesn't come suddenly. Although life is but a blink of an eye and a withering grass of the field, it takes it's own path and time to wither.

Addiction brings relief of sorts. It's a way of escape. If one has struggled with heartache all their life, then they're the ones who drink, or find another drug to lift the spirits or hide the pain. If it's a physical disadvantage, then one seeks out the things that will take that physical discomfort away. What ensues, upon the initial discovery of relief, is the desire to continue chasing this new found bliss. Oh, to escape just once more.

It took me 22 long years to stand face to face with both of my struggles. Both depression and a deteriorating spinal deficiency that brings excruciating pain and suffering. I fought to drive it off with substance for years. What I finally came to realize is that nothing will ever really fix me except death. The blessed release. I will be free then. But until then, I must put one foot in front of the other as best I can and forget about trying to live without pain and suffering, for I am convinced that it is not God's will that we should sit back and relax and enjoy full bliss on this side of eternity.

This is the time to work, sweat, lament, struggle, and to suffer with our Lord and Savior. We are not, despite those false doctrines taught, to live the good life in this flesh. We are not meant to enjoy those things we are yet to inherit. "The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with Him, that we may be also glorified together." Romans 8:16-17

                      HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH!!!!!


I've often heard southern Baptist preachers say, "if you're a Christian, you should be the happiest person in the world." That's the least Christian thing we can do. If you see with the eyes to see , all the suffering around you, then how can you be happy? If you live in the same flesh I do, then the only way you're going to feel complete joy and bliss is if you spend your entire life serving yourself and pouring all you have into yourself. Even then, it's not true joy or bliss but just a kind of it. A false representation of the real thing waiting for us in our "rest."

I will not be told by one more false prophet that I'm meant to never suffer in this flesh nor experience the heartache of anothers downtrodden life. I have heard many television evangelists tell people that it's God's will that everyone be healed and that every affliction be healed and that none should ever be sick and it's of the devil and we have the power to cast it out and be well. Perhaps that's true and I believe in some of this. But I think there's too much of man in the scriptures and it's stealing the light of truth. 

We were meant to suffer now and rest then. We were meant to give up all of the those comforts that make us feel so good. Our cushy lives, perfect furnishings that "make life easier." Remote control everything, or push button this and that. But that serves only oneself and diminishes what Christ did and what His life meant as pertaining to the pouring out of oneself for the benefit of another. "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it. For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself..." St. Luke 9:23-25.

To me, the scriptures speak of us giving up those things which please us and make our lives so "worth living." I say to you, I wish for my life to come to it's full end. I don't want to stay here forever. I don't want to keep going and going, withering further. I want to be for my Father in this life and be used by Him. But that's the thing that makes my life worth living. 

Can you feel love coming from me? Do you feel a warmth or a sincerity in my presence? Do you believe me when I say, "I love you?" That's what it's all about. It's not about seeking out ways to make me feel better or to give myself that which is greater. It's about the outpouring. It's about the love for others so much so that I hurt. 

I am tired. I hurt. What would it be like to not be aware of this flesh? I do not know that answer anymore. I did once. I knew what it felt like to be free of it for just awhile and though my face smiled and my personality was quirky and fun, my spirit was dark and my heart was cold. I saved myself and lost my own life. When I gave it all up and took up my cross, that's when the physical pain began, however, the light began to shine within me and my smile came from the inside out instead of the outside in.

There's no need to seek out those things that I once sought. I wouldn't water down my love or quench the Spirit within me. I wouldn't disgrace the name of my God by using this mouth to curse and to bless, as if a fountain can bring forth both bitter and sweet water at the same time.

I will hurt until the day I die. But the release that comes at the end will make it seem as if it never was. "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18